How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Life?

Anyone suffering from depression may post their history, experience, comments and/or suggestions. Please refrain from indepth discussions about medicines or other therapies.
LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by LyndaLu » Thu Apr 19, 2012 4:02 pm

I am testing my edit signature. I don't think I did it right ???
Lynda

lucy knepp
Posts: 87
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 8:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by lucy knepp » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:34 am

Wow!! Sorry, but that's my initial reaction to the forum, quotes and comments. I want to say something really intelligent....meaningful! I'm speechless!
I'll just say that I've been deeply moved and enlightened. I can relate to all of it. You described ME! And I know many others are right there with us.
Thank you!
We shall not give up!
Lucy Knepp

LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by LyndaLu » Sat Apr 28, 2012 6:15 pm

Mark, I understand where you are coming from, I also suffer from a deep depression.
I believe I have suffered from anxiety and depression all of my life. The farther I look back the more I can
see it from my childhhood right on up to adulthood. I am 51 years old and I am single. My first experience with
a mini-breakdown / anxiety / depression attack was in 2003. So I took a cab to a local hospital expecting that
I was going to go to the Emergency Room to get some help. I was in sloppy clothes and was disoriented, but
somehow organized with some of my thoughts and plans ( go to the ER and they will help you).I decided not to go to
the ER at THAT hospital because my doctor did not practice at that hospital. IF I was to be admitted to THIS
hospital, my doctor could not come to visit me in THIS hospital because he did not have priviledges there.
So, there I was taking another cab to another hospital emergency room. I was now at a hospital where my
doctor had visiting / practice priviledges ( or whatever they call it ). I got admitted to the Emergency Room
at the second hospital, it was about 7am in the morning on a weekday. The ER was empty except for me
and some lady who had just survived a car accident. I complained to the doctor at the ER about stomach
problems and colon issues and stuff like that. I obviously was not making any sense to him because the words
that came out of his mouth were " Are you seeing a psychiatrist ". My answer was a strong "no". He let me
lie there on the bed while he somehow got ahold of my Primary Care Physicians office on the phone. The
ER doctor called my PCP doctor to tell him about my condition. My PCP doctor kept an appointment open
for me while I was discharged from the Emergency Room at the second hospital and I took yet another cab
over to the PCP doctors office. When I got to my doctors office I was in my sloppy clothes which was a
t-shirt, shorts, and for some reason I had socks but no shoes on. I carried a bag with a handle with all of
my stuff in it that I needed. I truly looked like a homeless person, but at least a homeless person would have
the sense to have shoes on. I don't know where my brain was, but I obviously had really lost it. My PCP
had me take a quiz on a piece of paper that was about depression.I answered YES to most of the
questions on the "quiz". He talked to me and he took out his prescription pad and gave
me a prescription for some Paxil. I then got into my last cab of the day and went home.

This was my very first experience with a panic attack / anxiety/
depression that actually led me to a doctor and a two hospitals. Let me say that this was my FIRST
experience, MANY more experiences were to come later on in 2006 and 2007. How badly has depression
affected or screwed up my life ? Pretty bad ! If you lost track, that was four cab rides, two ER rooms/hospitals
and one Primary Care Physician. PS : Yes, I DO drive and I DO own my own vehicle, but I felt like I couldn't drive on that
day. This was a first for me too, not being able to drive. It was really wierd but I did not feel like I
could get in a vehicle and drive on that day.
Lynda Lu

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by mark167 » Tue May 01, 2012 2:33 am

Hi Lucy, Thank you for your reply. Even tho u were 'speechless', I understand and appreciate what u r saying. You have said plenty of meaningful things to me on chat and I am grateful for your support. In a strange way, I feel less 'abnormal' knowing that there r others who have also suffered very badly due to depression. I know it is a serious and common problem, but I never really thought it could affect or screw up someone else as badly asit has me. I hope we will continue to fight this demon together, and we will not give up, and we will recover!

Hi Lynda, Like I said to Lucy, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles and battles with very bad depression. I hope being mutually supportive of each other will not only make me realize I am ot alone, but that we can all do this together. I dont want to continue living like this, as teh alternatives are not good, so I do want to get better, and the help, guidance and support I get on here and in chat really makes a difference.
Thank you for sharing your history with me, considering how difficult a sitaution it must have been for you. I have only had 2 hospital experiences relating to my depression. Last summer I went to the ER with severe chest pain, not knowing what it was (heart attack?), so on arrival they did their initial check of me very quickly (it can be many hours of wait here for non-urgent cases). When I was asked if I was on any meds, and I told them I was on an anti-depr, I suddenly became 'non-urgent' (perhaps they thought it was all in my head) and I had to wait the whole night to see the er doctor.
My other much more difficult experience was in March 2010 when I had taken myself to a local crisis centre as I truggled with extreme depression. They had helped me before with my previous extr depr in July 2008, but this time nothing seemed to worked and I thought the only way out of the pain was to end my life. They took me (wouldnt let me drive myself) to the hospital ER and I was "parked' on a movable bed right in front of eh nurses station and I cried continuously. When I asked to go to the bathroom, I overheard them say 'is he allowed to go by himself'. I was so scared and upset to be there. When I saw the ER psychiatrist, she asked me if I thought I should be admitted. In hindsight I probably should have, but I was so scared and really didnt want to be (and have family or friends find out how bad I had gotten), so I told her I would do anything she told me to do, take whatever meds, and therapy, just to avoid being admitted and to try to get better. I was very glad to get out of there, and did get better with a change of meds, but unfortunately, 2 years later, I still strugggle with bad, chronic depression. I hope that with this program and the support of lots of great people on here, I will get better. I want to and I need to and i will!
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no one. Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." --- "Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way.”

LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by LyndaLu » Sat May 05, 2012 5:52 pm

mark167 wrote:
it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles and battles with very bad depression. I hope being mutually supportive of each other will not only make me realize I am ot alone, but that we can all do this together. I dont want to continue living like this, as teh alternatives are not good, so I do want to get better, and the help, guidance and support I get on here and in chat really makes a difference.

I will get better. I want to and I need to and i will!

mark167:
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Thank you for your comfort and your support.
I agree. . . . I will get better. I want to and I need to and I will !
Stay Strong,
Lynda

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by mark167 » Thu May 10, 2012 2:01 pm

Thank you for your support and confidence. I have (had) been feeling better and a little more optimistic/positive the last couple weeks after my latest decline starting the end of Feb. I have had another little setback/regression that hit very quickly and suddenly Sat evening, strangely enough, while I was in teh chatroom, which I generally find so helpful in my recovery. It was a combination of thigs that got to me and has put me in a funk since then, altha not as bad as before. That little pos turned neg again and I feel rather hopeless/helpless about my depression, even with my psychologist giving me some good news on Mon that I would have a 4 week extension on my treatment with a re-evaluation after that. Tuesday I went to a mental health/wellness support group where we had a discussion from a therapist on cognition/behaviour and learning to remember. It was interesting with more insight on what we are dealing with and have to do to progress and recover. One thing mentioned that kinda upset me was that she mentioned how after 1 serious illness/depr, it can take up to a year to get back to that original point of mental acuity re: skills, memory, etc.. With a 2nd or 3rd illness, it will take even longer and the end result will likely be not achieving teh same level of mental ability as before, as the brain function will lose some of its 'elasticity' to bounce back after each successive episode.
So at that point I thought to myself 'I am screwed because I have had 5 severe-extreme depr episodes in teh last 4 years, and a couple more over the previous 8 years, during which time I never really improved beyond just mildly depressed. So teh thought that I have lost some portion pf my mental abilities, and it will be more and more difficult to bounce back each time, rather scared and upset me. Also Tues was the 1 yr anniversary of getting to know my ex-gf, and that is sad, because it has now been 7 months since the split and I am finally, slowly getting over her now. So that is my sad story of teh past week. I still want to and hope to get better, but feel less hopeful that I will truly be better.
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no one. Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." --- "Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way.”

LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by LyndaLu » Sat May 12, 2012 7:59 pm

mark167 wrote: One thing mentioned that kinda upset me was that she mentioned how after 1 serious illness/depr, it can take up to a year to get back to that original point of mental acuity re: skills, memory, etc.. With a 2nd or 3rd illness, it will take even longer and the end result will likely be not achieving teh same level of mental ability as before, as the brain function will lose some of its 'elasticity' to bounce back after each successive episode.
So at that point I thought to myself 'I am screwed because I have had 5 severe-extreme depr episodes in teh last 4 years, and a couple more over the previous 8 years, during which time I never really improved beyond just mildly depressed. So teh thought that I have lost some portion pf my mental abilities, and it will be more and more difficult to bounce back each time, rather scared and upset me.
I know that this is going to sound scary, but I believe what she said is true. My brain function has never returned to it's
original point of mental acuity ( skills, memory, etc ) since having a major emotional breakdown in April 2007. I had a
breakdown and had to take a 5 month short term leave of absence from my job. During the first two months I was
hospitalized three times ( one week each time ) for anxiety, depression, panic attacks, going to commit suicide. I will
confess right here that I bought a gun and THOUGHT I was going to use it, but I did not. I went immediately to the
hospital where they helped me. Also during this leave of absence I had kidney surgery. What more could happen !
It was not a good time to have major surgery and I still wish to this day that I would have had the sense to cancel
the surgery and reschedule it until I was emotionally more fit to handle the 5 day hospital stay after the kidney surgery.
So, that was 4 weeks in the hospital in two months, 3 for the breakdown and one for the surgery. Well, to get to what
I really wanted to say, is, that when I returned to work I was never the same and I have never been the same since 2007.
When I returned to work I had memory loss, I could not remember how to do my job. As a matter of fact, all of my
previous job duties were reassigned to other employees during my short term leave. When I returned to my desk I
was assigned new job duties, lesser job duties, job duties that a new person might be assigned to. After over 20 years
in that department, I was starting at the beginning. My family has never understood this and my ex-co-worker friends
have never understood this - - - I am just not the same person as I once was and I accept that I will never be. Maybe
that sounds like I am giving up, but I am just being realistic. I don't believe I could work in a fast paced environment
and I don't believe I could multi-task. Every employer wants those two things. They want a person to do the job of
two people and get paid one very low salary. Jobs are going for a measly $10.00 an hour and that is so sad. Even
college graduates are not getting the pay they deserve. So, here I am, trying to still make my family understand that
after the breakdown I had memory loss and loss of skills. I don't think they will ever understand how bad the
breakdown was for me. I was layed off from my job due to workforce reduction almost exactly two years after
the day of my breakdown. And I actually believe they were going to lay me off on the exact date, April 6th, of
my breakdown, but I had called in sick on that day ( a Monday). They waited to lay me off until Wednesday,
April 8th, 2009. Yes, I got layed off due to workforce reduction and that is how it looks on paper, on the
Severance Agreement. But I really did also get layed off from my job due to a progressive lack of skills. I was getting
paid a really good amount of money to do a nothing job after my return. They couldn't afford to keep it that way.
I was not the only person layed off from the job on April 8th, 2009, another gal in another department right next
to mine was layed off too. I took my layoff calmly and walked out without a sound. The other gal broke out in tears.
I am so glad that I did not break out in tears until later on that day when I called my sister. My sister got all the
tears in her call, all the sobbing, I almost couldn't talk. This is why it has been so hard for me to look for a job
because I know that my skills are lacking and I know that I got layed off from my job partly due to lack of skills and
memory loss. Where am I to go from here and what do I want to do with my life ? Not only do I have emotional
deficits, I have physical issues that I am dealing with. I have been hit with a double whammy, poor mental health
and poor physical health - - sometimes it is too much to handle, having so many health issues, they take over
your entire life. I may not be able to do the job I once had, but I know there MUST be something out there that
I can do. But in some way I have given up and I don't know what makes some people give up and other folks
keep fighting the battle. My sister has rheumatoid arthritis and she is a cancer survivor. She deals with her
issues and goes to work every day and works very, very hard at her job. What makes her able to survive through
all of THAT when I don't feel like I can make my life work at all. I have given up in a way, I have a Social Security
Disability Claim that I have been working on for a while now. It got declined. Then went to appeals. It got declined
again. Now the Claim is going through the Hearing process, where there is a hearing before the courts. I have an
advocate / attorney helping me out. The bad news, it could be 12 months before a hearing date is secured and I
will run out of money soon. My sister will be supporting me financially 100 percent soon.
She can't pay all of my bills for a year! She is helping me out, for sure, until September 31, 2012.
I have joint disease, arthritis, bursitis, ulcerative colitis,
Spina Bifida Occulta, major depression and anxiety, osteoporosis, acid reflux, high blood pressure, sleep disorder,
etc, etc. I am 51 years old and falling apart. I want to know what makes a person able to survive and get over
their issues and disorders and disabilities - - - how can one person not give up and another person just can't make it
better at all. I am rambling now and getting quite grim. ( Sigh).
Lynda

LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by LyndaLu » Sat May 12, 2012 8:04 pm

mark167 wrote: Also Tues was the 1 yr anniversary of getting to know my ex-gf, and that is sad, because it has now been 7 months since the split and I am finally, slowly getting over her now. So that is my sad story of teh past week.
We must not celebrate "negative" anniversaries any longer. That is what sent me into a deep depression during the
month of April this year. I was celebrating "negative" anniversaries. . .
the anniversary of my breakdown and the anniversary of my layoff from my job.
So, now I must look forward and try to celebrate some "positive" type anniversaries and
leave behind once and for all the "negative" ones. Next year April will be a much better month for me, I know it.
Lynda

lucy knepp
Posts: 87
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 8:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by lucy knepp » Sun May 13, 2012 4:11 pm

It's interesting to hear that other people experience the same feelings as me. I sometimes recall a pleasant past experience and quickly couple it with something similar that was horribly unpleasant. Something triggers a negative in my brain every time and I am sick and tired of it. Yep! But, still chained to it. The program and chat and forums do help and the techniques come in handy when feelings come and you remember to breathe and distract yourself or get on her. HO HO It doesn't always work but I am much better than I was. Involvement with my family is helping but there I am at times thinking negatively that the gran children will grow up and it won't be the same. They won't come over as much....well,,,duh! It won't be the same. Why worry about that. There will be other happy memories with them. Their high school graduation (if I live that long) oops negative thought again. Oh my....why do I do that? I need to stay in the present. All my life I messed the present by lamenting the past and worrying about the future. UGH! Also, I am realizing that I'm not cured or going to be but I can be better each day one day at a time. Like and alcoholic, you can always slip back into old habits and so with my depression and anxiety without the programs advice and help from friends sharing I can easily slip WAY back.
Love to all........we are all in this together. Never look to others for your total happiness but let people in to help you feel happy.
:)

LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by LyndaLu » Tue May 15, 2012 9:38 pm

lucy:
Glad to hear from you ! And thanks for sharing !
Are you working on the program and what Session are you on ?
Lynda :)

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