How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Life?

Anyone suffering from depression may post their history, experience, comments and/or suggestions. Please refrain from indepth discussions about medicines or other therapies.
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mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Life?

Post by mark167 » Sat Mar 17, 2012 6:12 pm

To give you some background, I have had varying levels of depression most of my life. I was never very happy early on in life and wasnt sure why. I was always shy and reserved, but it went beyond that. I had some typical blues and sadness as a teenager trying to figure out what I wanted to do in school, life and with relationships. I had a serious accident (head trauma) when 19 which threw my life of course and set me back due to self-image issues post recovery. I didnt finish university and started working, which I enjoyed. I had some good friends but noone special in my life. After a relationship when 27, two years later I did end up finding my future wife and was 'happy' for perhaps the longest period in my life. In the past 13 years, I got married, left work due to a serious burnout and depression, started a family, tried vainly to go back to work, and after continuing to suffer thru depression with seemingly no end or change, my wife left me almost 4 yrs ago. That put me into a very deep tailspin of extreme depression, and in that period of time, have had 3 extreme and 2 severe depressions, with thoughts of death or suicide. My kids were often the only thing that kept me going. My depressions have definitely affected my relationship with them, and while I am very close to them, I feel a lot of guilt and regret for all the lost time I could have spent, and things I wanted to do, with them, and to provide them with a better and secure future. So the last 12 years, and especially the last 4, have been overrun by depression, with lack of energy, motivation or desire to do most things. Last spring/summer I had my 1st post-separation relationship, and while it was amazing for a while, it tailed off and she ended it in the fall, which led to another jump back into that very deep, dark, desperate hole, from which I thought I would not escape.

I started doing some serious, deep soul searching in January, and while helpful and much needed, was very painful and really sucked. I had removed the cloak of denial I had been living under for so long, and even though I was aware of this already, I realized how badly I had screwed up my life. I needed to make many changes, one of which was to get back to work, to have purpose in my life and some meaning to my days, and to try to avoid financial ruin. This close examination of what sort of life I have 'created' for myself made me realize how badly I had screwed up my life and made a complete train wreck of it. No job/career, no revenue/savings, massive debt, financially stuck/devastated, separated but not yet divorced due to no motivation to do the work to finalize it, no one special in my life, a disengaged, disappointing and guilt-ridden relationship with my kids, a house that is in part a big mess and need of work, letting myself go physically with losing too much weight by not eating or caring, and of course, my mental health which is sketchy at best. You may think I am looking at my life thru a too negative mindset, but these are the unfortunate and factual realities of my life now.

Despite the fears, serious doubts and strong, scary negative thoughts that I faced during my serious depressive episodes, and with all sorts of good reasons/motivations to change or improve, and having many sources of help, guidance, support and inspiration, I have continued to stay stuck in my ways, with my dominant negative self-talk, self-doubt and limiting beliefs. As I quickly approach turning 50, it scares me, not of getting older, because after being depressed a good part of my 20s and 30s, and almost all of my 40s, I cant face another decade of this. I dont have the strength to keep trying and hanging on as I have been emotionally, spiritually and esp mentally battered, by myself. I wish I could say or believe that I wont face it anymore by changing and getting better, as that seems the obvious choice. One of my recent scary thoughts was that this would be an easy choice if not for the pain I would be putting my family thru by ending my unrelenting pain. Would I like to get better? Yes. Do I want to work again? Yes. Do I want to live the life I was intended to live? Yes. Today I was thinking that it would be nice to just have a 'normal' life, not even a happy one, a life most 'normal' people take for granted and often seem dissatisfied with - a job I can complain about, money I cant seem to have enough of, a partner that could be by my side thru thick and thin, kids that grow up properly and securely with love and attention, a plain old house that I need not worry about losing, decent physical and mental health, ...

Inside the program box it states 'The courage to begin is the 1st step towards freedom' and 'Trust and believe: it's time to reclaim your life'. Why cant I find that courage to change, to take the necessary steps, to do what it takes to live life fully or even partly? How long do I have to have my back pressed up against the wall, or tread water with weakened arms trying to keep my head up, or stand at the edge looking at the end, before I react and move? Why cant I believe in myself, to trust changing and feel worthy enough? I cant reclaim any of the life, time, money I have already lost, but I need and want to reclaim my present life and avoid an ongoing, unhappy and very limited future. It would be nice just to be able to smile a little, and mean it, and keep it. I want my smile back and a normal life.
Last edited by mark167 on Sun Apr 08, 2012 2:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nel01073
Posts: 72
Joined: Sat Oct 15, 2011 2:04 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by Nel01073 » Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:53 am

Hi mark. Im sorry to hear about all youre going through. I know depression is one of the worst feeling in the world. I think I had it even as a kid but it wasnt until a couple of years ago that I had some major episodes that I felt I was gonna die from it. I know the program can help us no matter what our problem is. It can just make you a better person. I dont know if youre on meds right now because I think sometimes its really necessary. It can make all the difference. Im no longer on meds but when I was in the middle of that black hole I did find it necessary at least while I got my motivation back. Right now I would just recommend to work on yourself focus on healing. The rest will come with time but yes you are worth it. You can get your life back. Youve got nothing to lose. You can do it you are not alone.

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by Iwillbebetter » Mon Mar 19, 2012 11:16 pm

Mark I am also sorry to hear about your situation!!! I agree with what Nel said take the time to focus on you!! Heal and get better!! I have recently realized I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I can remember. I have put myself in many horrible situations, to please others. I have allowed people to treat me terribly, just for acceptance. I have also spent much time living in the past, regretting those things etc. But I had to realize that is now behind me, I can only learn from it, as I begin to move forward.

You are certianly not alone and you are worth the fight!!
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by mark167 » Tue Mar 20, 2012 12:50 pm

Hi Nel and Iwbb. Thank u for ur replies, understanding and empathy. It is one hell (yes, hell) of a struggle. I have now been on my meds regularly for 3 mths. I learned from getting 'better' after previous episodes and came off teh meds, that this is not safe/wise for me to do. I would like to again one day, but I suspect this is going to have to be controlled thru meds for life. It has been hard to get teh desire or motivation back to change and improve my life, despite having many good reasons to do so. A matter of self-love, respect, and belief, if I can really do it. I have restarted teh program just recently as I waited way too long to try. I would like to give it an honest try to see if it can actually work for me, if I work it. After 'dealing' with it alone for so long (the isolation just made it worse), I feel a lot of comfort and support from so many great and strong ppl here in the forums and chatroom. I am not alone here, and I am grateful for that. After beginning the process of working on myself, getting better and healing, I took a very deep, honest look at myself and what I was doing (or not doing). That awareness really hurt badly and threw me down further in the hole, but I am aware I had to do it to move forward and esp to get out of my past with all the regrets. I do hope I finally learn from this experience and will actively work on it to get better. I owe it to myself. I have beaten myself up too much and the self abuse has to stop, now. I do hope I can count on ur/everyone's support and sharing ur successes and hopes with me because I need that kind of push, to make me realize it can be overcome, and that I can actually do it. If I am able to pull out of this and live a normal life again, anybody can, and I will be eternally grateful. Thanks again.

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by Iwillbebetter » Tue Mar 20, 2012 2:40 pm

I am glad to hear you are recently restarting the program. I had to re-start also, I never finished the first time around. I have found this time I have had more motiviation and put more into the program, I am getting more out of it also. I use to think that I would live as I had forever. I thought I was doomed to live in misery. For that time I was doomed to my misery, but only because I thought myself there. It can be so hard to take that long hard look at ourselves, but I think we get more out of it than we could ever know, no matter how painfully hard it may be! :) You can do it!! :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by mark167 » Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:29 am

Hi Iwbb, Thank you again. You are definitely an inspiration. It seems you are really working your program hard and well this time around, and you have written so many posts (300+ in 4 mths!!). Do you find that not only helps others, but helps yourself too? I have read a few of them and I think you had said you let up the 1st time thinking you were better and able to work on your self-esteem alone, but it was this program that was helping you with it. When I got my program 2.5 yrs ago, I was afraid to start (and fail!) and figured I was able to 'deal' with it on my own. After not having dealt well with depression for 12 years, I dont know why I thought that. After hearing many success stories, getting lots of support on here, and starting to believe (a little) that it was maybe possible to change and get better, I felt I should give it an honest try. I dont want to continue living this life of misery, always thinking nothing will be different or improve. This week with my psychologist I discussed how I always think I 'should' be doing things, and she said I cant use that word anymore, or even 'could', but rather that I can do it. I just have to believe I actually can do it, and that I am actually worth it. I also wanted to tell you that the saying at the end of your posts reminds me of the song Firework with these lyrics: "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep? 6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing.....If you only knew what the future holds, After a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed, So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" I just need to find and open that door that leads me there. I am tired of drifting, caving in, and feeling buried deep. I want to start again, and find that spark in me.

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by Iwillbebetter » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:57 am

You are most welcome :) I am trying to give it 100% this time around. I think you will get from the program what you put into it, so if I want 100% I have to be willing to give it also!! :) WoW I did not realize I had so many posts!! I do believe that the posting helps me as much if not more as others. As many of the post I respond to, are things I can relate to also, so a lot of times although I am replying to someone else, it is also as though I am talking to myself!! I have had many "light bulb" or "V8" moments in just replying to someone else. I also find it helpful, as I'm not always good with knowing what to say to myself, so others input can be VERY helpful also.

I had first attempted the program over a year ago... got to session 7 the assertive one, I actually freaked out didn't feel I was ready for that, thought I needed to work on building my self-esteem first. At the time I didn't realize but that was really "the old me" needing me to go back to my own ways, not wanting me to continue moving forward. So I gave in and found the excuse that I needed to "work on my self-esteem" more then I could go back to working on the program - specifically the assertive session. Only later did I realize it was only a excuse I had made, as if I would have rationaly thought about it, I would had realized I was working on my self esteem all along, I just didn't know how to give myself praise, when praise was due!! So most of my accomplishements when un-noticed... Then a little over a year later, after I was no longer working on self-esteem - or anything in regards to myself, I found myself feeling like I was going to have a nervous break-down. I could picture myself in a padded room, straight jacket and all.... That's when I decided I just can't do it anymore, I can't keep living this way, and I can't keep teaching my children that this is anyway to live!! It has been hard, a lot of ups and downs. I am getting there, still have a ways to go, but I have hope now I beleive I can do it, and somewhere deep down I know that I am worth the effort!!!

Yes "shoulds" are NO good!! Who says you "should" anyway!! In one of the sessions Lucinda even says "don't should all over yourself and don't let others should all over you either" (I beleive 4-expectations) It is such a defeating word!! Believing we can is a big thing, and knowing that even if we can't it's ok, but we will NEVER know if we don't try!!

Funny I am pretty familiar with that firework song, the first time I really listened to the words it actually brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I related so much!!!

But the quote is actually from another GREAT song... very uplifting - you should check it out - it's called - Keep your head up - by Andy Grammer :) That is currently my households favorite song. My 3 & 4 year old sing it without it even being on!!
mark167 wrote: I just need to find and open that door that leads me there.
That's what I use to think, but I think we will wear ourselves thin trying to find that door, I think the door is meant to find us, we just have to work on making it so we are able to see it when it arrives!! :) :) just a thought :) :)

I'm glad that you are deciding to give the program a shot, really what have you got to lose?? :) :) At this point there is no where else to go but up/forward!! :) YOU can do it!! YOU are worth it!! :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by mark167 » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:01 pm

Thank you Iwbb. You are so right. First of all, thanks for sharing that uplifting song with me. I had no idea what it was until I found the lyrics online, and then remembered the song right away. I've never really listened to the words, and they are vey good, and relevant - "I know it's hard, know its hard, To remember sometimes, But you gotta keep your head up, oh,...Its kinda hard to watch this life go by.... starts to get tangled, I start to comprimise My life and the purpose. Is it all worth it, Am I gonna turn out fine?" It has been hard to realize how I have let my life slip by, if it is worth the effort, and also hard to keep my head up. Like i said in my 1st post, I have grown so tired of trying to keep my head up while treading water, and believing I would not turn out fine. I am still not giving it (the program) my all and not sure why.
You made me recall how I thought I was willing/wanting/ready to do anything to get better when I was almost admitted to the hospital exactly 2 years ago. Did I not want it badly enough? Did I not feel worth it, or believe I could do it? I guess so as I am still here 2 yrs later, stuck and uncertain of my future, discouraged and disappointed with myself. I have been aware for a while now, esp since doing my deep soul searching 2 months ago, that I cannot go on living my life like this. I have been great at should-ing on myself for a long time, for the things I should do (like this program) and should have done (so many). Very limiting and self defeating. I have worn myself out with the neg mindset, neg self-talk and limiting beliefs, as well as constantly beating myself up. I do need to give it an honest try, and to keep trying, until....I can find self-love & happiness, I can control the neg thoughts and induce the pos thoughts, I can get better and recover.
I enjoyed reading more of your posts. We have many similarities, from struggling for a long time, hanging on for and wanting better for our kids, watching our lives slip by, and even being emotional and teary-eyed, as I have been very sensitive and extremely empathetic for a long time, likely due to early life suppression of feelings/emotions/thoughts, which has led to many occasions where i will easily start crying or getting watery eyes. I dont feel so alone and helpless/hopeless knowing there is someone (and more) here who has gone thru this, understands and cares, and has done what it takes to start recovering, and to have the life you (all) were intended to live. Please keep coming back and posting your experiences, wisdom and successes, as not only is it helpful to fellow sufferers like me, it is cathartic for you and time well invested. Thanks again.

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by Iwillbebetter » Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:17 am

You are most welcome, I am actually trying to get a list of "up lifting" songs. I have a post I think under the "suggest a forum" section that has a few I have found listed (that being one of the more recent) :) I have found music to play a big part with my mood, so I try to use that to help bring me back up when I start to get down. :) I realized this because most of what I listened to was actually bringing me down, I decided time to get rid of most of that music for a while, until I get a "better handle" on things :)
mark167 wrote: I am still not giving it (the program) my all and not sure why.
I think a lot of this is fear... the fear of not being able to do it, as well as the fear of being able to do it!! Change is a scary thing!! Especially when we have lived the way we have for so long. A book I just finished has helped me a lot, it's called the secret of letting go, by guy finley, but it goes well with the program, it basically is learning to let go of "your false self" to becoming your "true self". But in the book it kind of explains how our "false self" (or the negative self I will say) likes living this way, and is going to try to use many tricks and deceptions to make you stay right where you are!! It will lie to you and make you believe you can't do it, you're not worth it, etc... DON'T LISTEN TO THAT SELF ANYMORE!!! You can find your true self :) Really if you just learn to let go of your negative self, your true self will find you! :)
mark167 wrote:You made me recall how I thought I was willing/wanting/ready to do anything to get better when I was almost admitted to the hospital exactly 2 years ago. Did I not want it badly enough? Did I not feel worth it, or believe I could do it? I guess so as I am still here 2 yrs later, stuck and uncertain of my future, discouraged and disappointed with myself.
Again I have to say it was not YOU that did not want it, or beleive in yourself, it was your NEGATIVE self that did not want/beleive etc... Don't be discouraged or disappointed, you might not have made the changes at that time, but you were willing to try. Maybe you could turn that around somehow and use it as you "Fuel" instead? :)
mark167 wrote:which has led to many occasions where i will easily start crying or getting watery eyes
Oh how many times I have done this. I can get watery eyes just watching a commercial. I was even talking to my new boss the other day (First time I met her) she was just explaining one of our clients is not happy with us at the time, so we need to try harder on those calls (I do customer service) simple conversation, she was actually also telling me what a good job I was doing... I somehow managed to get emotional, and there my eyes went watering up.
mark167 wrote: as not only is it helpful to fellow sufferers like me, it is cathartic for you and time well invested. Thanks again.
Thanks, it's nice to know I really have helped :) (can't help but to wonder sometimes lol :) :) ) I have made coming here, part of my routine so to say.... :) So I will keep posting away :) and sharing my sucesses and failures to :) :) Keep in touch!! :) And always remember, you are not alone and YOU can do it!! :) The sun is always shining somewhere, even when it's raining here :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Lif

Post by mark167 » Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:22 pm

Thank u Iwbb. Btw, if I havent told u already, I like ur name here. I wish I could feel that confident, that I will get better. Even a moderate depr would be better. I agree that music can be uplifting (I heard What a Feeling yesterday, which perked me up) but it can also bring me down as I have a lot of attachments to certains songs (or any love songs) that remind me of the ex-gf.:( I couldnt find that list/post u mentioned.
Yes, I definitely fear that I cannot do it and change, as much as I would like to be able to do it. Trying to let go of the past has always been hard for me, and my 'false self' has always seemed like my only and 'true self'. My neg self has a very firm grip on things, and keeps me stuck with the limiting beliefs and little or no self-love or worth. I wish I could turn the discouragement/disappointment around and use it as motivation somehow.
Even tho I have often wondered why I was so sensitive/emotional/tearful, I just assumed it was part of my caring/empathetic nature. When I would have frequent crying episodes, often with little thought/provocation, during my big depr, I did wonder. Of late, I have been rather 'numb' and the crying has hardly happened, except when letting things out with my psychologist. Today, while talking with someone, I had a pleasant memory of a trip I took 25 yrs ago, then moments later I was tearing up.
With all the msgs u hav posted to so many ppl, u have provided a lot of help/support. If u have made replying/posting part of ur daily routine (average 3 posts/day!!), then ur sharing has been mutually beneficial. I realize I am not alone, esp here, but even with different sources of help/support/inspiration, it still feels like I am so alone in facing this, and my self-doubt makes me wonder if I can indeed do it. I am willing to keep giving it a try, as the options are not good, and it can become better. Thx again. :)
p.s. Btw, how do u get the quote (only rainbows...) on the end/footer of all ur msgs?

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