Anyone returned to Work aftr LONG absence due to Depression?

[mark167]

I am hoping to get some guidance, support and hope from members sharing their experiences. I have been off work for a very lonnng time mostly due to regular, continuous depression, moderate at best, severe to extreme at worst. After having a good 20 year career, I crashed and burned out in 2000 with my 1st really bad depression. My psychologist suggested taking a short term leave, which turned to long term, which led to leaving the job, and here I still am 10 years later. Even that alone, having been off so long, is scary to overcome to return to any type of work. Add on top of that having to deal with ongoing depressions during that time, my mental abilities, acuity, and especially self-confidence are not at all like they used to be. Also, with huge technological advances in the last decade, the skills needed for the field I was in before (finance/accounting) are very different now and my few computer skills are very rusty and antiquated. That has made me very anxious, and while I have had general anxiety, I've never been this anxious before. My general mindset is still quite negative and my negative self talk is very dominant and easily overpowers any positives.

During the past 13 years, I got married, left work, started a family, tried vainly to go back to work, and after continuing to suffer with depression, my wife left me. I have felt guilty for not having been able to provide for my family and all the insecurity. The lack of money, big debts, nearing financial ruin, etc...had contributed a lot to my depression but also have recently motivated me to want to get back to work, as well as to have a purpose and some meaning to my days. I had willingly assumed the role of a stay at home dad and became Mr Mom and Dad and househusband. It was fine for some time but wasnt very fulfilling or meaningful after a while, without that sense of purpose, direction or achievement. Up until 2000, I was happy working, dedicated to it, a very good, hard worker, almost to the point of being a workoholic. When I stopped working due to that bad depression, I figured I would miss maybe a few weeks of work as I had only missed 8-10 days of work in 20 years. Little did I know! Days became weeks became months became years! I lost my self-esteem and worth, and confidence in my ability to do just about anything. Now it looks like there is little I will be able to do in my career field, and in order to have some income, will likely have to get any sort of job to survive. I feel very discouraged for having ruined my career and finances, and it looks like I will have to be starting all over again, and at 49!

So, with facing the challenges of depression and trying to overcome it, to get back to work after so long off, being technologically challenged which will greatly limit my choices and chances, and getting back into a 'normal' routine and swing of things, I have felt a lot of anxiety over the whole job search and returning to work process. Is there anyone here who has been thru a similar situation or circumstances, whether it be due to depression or being at stay at home mom or dad returning back or going to work after a long absence? How did you face the challenge, fear and anxiety, what helped you get through it, and how well did you succeed? I appreciate your understanding and support.

[Dixiesmom]

I am in a similar situation. I had a career for 12 years that I left for a couple of months due to severe depression. I returned for a while and had a chance to "fix" my career. However, I had gone through a divorce, had met someone that I married and ended up moving to another state. I knew when I chose to marry him and move that my career was over. I would have to find something else. While my career was o.k., it wasn't what I had really planned on doing and I try to look at it as a chance to start over - at what, I'm not exactly sure yet. The first cou ple ofyears, I did a couple of different jobs, but nothing I really liked or wanted to do. The last 3 years I haven't worked. I've been a stay at home mom. After trying for almost 3 years, my husband and I finally had a baby. When he was about 4 months, I found out I was pregnant again. We now have two babies, ages 2 and 1. For now my job is to be a stay at home mom. There are days that I struggle with that, as I used to work and I have a college degree. I remind myself how lucky I really am. It's a miracle that I have these two babies. I AM lucky that I can stay at home with them, loving them, watching them grow and helping them along the way. I wasn't able to do that with my first two and I regret that. I also regret that I know that there were some people that I knew didn't need to be watching them, but I didn't have a choice, I needed someone to keep them so I could work. I don't have to worry about that now. Yes, there will come a time that I will need to find my way back to the work force. I know that it will be difficult. I am hoping that some of the things I learn here will help me find the strength and confidence to move forward. I know that I want to return to school, it won't be easy, but I have to believe I can do it. I don't know why, but my depression has GREATLY improved over the last few years. I do still struggle with anxiety, which I must work on so it doesn't paralyze me.
I noticed that you said that when you became Mr. Mom that it was fine for a while, but it wasn't very fulfilling or meaningful after a while and without a sense of purpose, direction or acheivement. You must realize that raising your children is one of the most meaningful things possible. I believe that you must also realize that as long as you look outside yourself for a sense of purpose, fulfillment and achievement - to some extent you will always be looking for it and will never achieve it. You must learn to accept yourself as you are (that doesn't mean to stop growing or bettering ourselves) and to accept whatever it is that you do, whether it's a stay at home parent, a garbage collector or president of some corporation. You must realize that you are important for WHO you are, not just WHAT you do.

[mark167]

Hi C / Dixiesmom
Thank you for your reply. Its always nice to get feedback from someone who can relate. You said you had ret'd to work after being away a couple months. Even tho it wasnt too long, had did that make u feel? I imagine the 3 yrs of trying must have added to the stress. I remember my ex was stressing out after only 4 months. Also having babies back to back cant be easy. Me & my brother are 13 months apart, and my mom already had 2 kids of 5 & 7 at the time.
You have reminded me that I am indeed fortunate to have 2 healthy kids. I am also grateful to have had all that time with them, to watch tehm grow and share special moments with them. Even tho I feel I missed out on a number of things due to the depression and being disengaged from them a lot, which I regret, I would have missed a lot more and had less of a bond with them had I been working that whole time. I do need to find that strength and confidence to return to work. Altho I have found a lot of the kid routine mundane or unfulfilling, I will miss it when I work.
As usual I think I allowed my overwhelming negative thinking to blur teh positive side of being Mr Mom. While there were plenty of times I felt unfulfilled and directionless, those were as a result of teh depression and my inactivity and inability to get a lot of things done I 'should' have done. I found raising my kids very meaningful and just wish I could have been more present and connected during all that time. Having had a strong sense of purpose while working, I did miss that after a while and felt I could only find it again 'out there'. I did gladly accept being a stay at home parent for a long time but what i cant accept, even tho I allowed it to persist and deepen, was my depression and the huge impact it has taken on my life. I also have to realize that due to my long absence, I will have to accept whatever type/field of work I get back into. It will be difficult and kinda scares me. I guess i just have to believe in myself again and feel I am worth it and that who I am is still important.
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it, and our chats, and look forward to more along this journey back.

[Dixiesmom]

Hey Mark! Returning to work after being off for a couple of months was stressful. I didn't know if I could handle it, didn't know if it would be the same - it wasn't, I no longer really belonged. In a couple of years I will need to re-enter the workforce again. I will be in a situation similar to you. Out of date knowledge, no real field to return to,no network to help me out, etc. I'm not sure about where you live, but here, there are county education programs. It doesn't go toward a degree, count for college credit or anything like that, but it is a way to get a little knowledge and get your feet wet again. I am sure every area is different, but I've seen things being offered like Spanish, computer classes, yoga, art, dance, etc. There is a small cost, but not like a college course and it is a way to get out, experience something, get your feet wet and maybe prepare you to take the next step - like some college classes.
I also understand what you mean when you say that the stay at home routine became mundane. I find myself feeling that way too. I also, at times, feel useless and less than because I'm not earning any money. And, I do hate being dependent on my husband - here go the what if's - what if something happens to him? I have tried to get involved in some things, which has helped. The public library here has a toddler reading program every Monday and we go to that. The kids have fun and I get to meet other parents. I've also joined a MOPS group (although I've been told that this group may not be around next year) - MOPS is Mother of Preschoolers. I've gotten a little free time - as they have people that volunteer to keep the kids for 2 hours when we meet and while I'm older than most moms, I have meet one other lady that is actually older than me and we have started talking and walking together.
Look for ways like this to get involved. It doesn't have to be something really big just yet. Start out small, get your feet wet, meet others and work your way to the bigger things that you want to accomplish.
Even though at times I feel useless, I also realize that I am far from that. In my children's eyes I am the most important thing and they depend on me. I am their anchor and I am helping them become who they will be - I don't think you can get much more important than that. As the economy has shown us, jobs and money can come and go, but our children will always be there, relying on us to help them. I know that in a few short years, I will be at the junction in my life, when I must return to the working world. At that time, my children won't be so dependent on me, but they will still be watching me and learning from me - how I handle each situation. I am sure that it won't be easy, but I hope that I can show them that what really matters is WHO you are, not WHAT you do that makes you an "important" person.

[mark167]

Hi C / Dixiesmom, Btw, can I use ur name (C) here? Yeah, I can foresee my return to work being very stressful and anxiety producing, with having been gone so long, not having had that routine or mental workout, not knowing anyone, the lack of skills, different career or field of work, etc.. In hindsight I should have done some kind of courses/training, but with my depressions and lack of money, the will and means were very limited. Years ago I had thought of a complete change of career into something that interested me, but wasnt able to do it as I needed a few more years of schooling to have the requirements to get into that field.
If I was able to afford to stay home (thru earned income or not), I would probably still do it, but still want that feeling of usefulness, purpose and involvement that I would get 'out there' in the workforce. I have felt some of that in volunteering at my girls school, and used to do a lot at a local wildlife park. My depression getting the better of me the last 6 months, I have not. It is nice to have that 'free' time to do non-kid things for ourselves from time to time and to interact with other adults. I think I will try to do some more volunteer work or work part-time to get my feet wet and used to doing things out of teh house.
I realize teh importance and usefulness of being a parent as they need a good, healthy father to help them grow, to guide, encourage, support and love them. I have felt I have not provided a lot of that due to my depr, but I do want to continue being all that to them, even when working again. Who u are and what u stand for and ur values are very important, not what you do or what u have or ur 'things'. A loving, involved parent shows them the way.
p.s. Btw, KU or Louisville? Interesting to have both in the Final Four.

[LyndaLu]

I am hoping to get some guidance, support and hope from members sharing their experiences. I have been off work for a very lonnng time mostly due to regular, continuous depression, moderate at best, severe to extreme at worst. After having a good 20 year career, I crashed and burned out in 2000 with my 1st really bad depression. My psychologist suggested taking a short term leave, which turned to long term, which led to leaving the job, and here I still am 10 years later. Even that alone, having been off so long, is scary to overcome to return to any type of work. Add on top of that having to deal with ongoing depressions during that time, my mental abilities, acuity, and especially self-confidence are not at all like they used to be. Also, with huge technological advances in the last decade, the skills needed for the field I was in before (finance/accounting) are very different now and my few computer skills are very rusty and antiquated. That has made me very anxious, and while I have had general anxiety, I've never been this anxious before. My general mindset is still quite negative and my negative self talk is very dominant and easily overpowers any positives.

During the past 13 years, I got married, left work, started a family, tried vainly to go back to work, and after continuing to suffer with depression, my wife left me. I have felt guilty for not having been able to provide for my family and all the insecurity. The lack of money, big debts, nearing financial ruin, etc...had contributed a lot to my depression but also have recently motivated me to want to get back to work, as well as to have a purpose and some meaning to my days. I had willingly assumed the role of a stay at home dad and became Mr Mom and Dad and househusband. It was fine for some time but wasnt very fulfilling or meaningful after a while, without that sense of purpose, direction or achievement. Up until 2000, I was happy working, dedicated to it, a very good, hard worker, almost to the point of being a workoholic. When I stopped working due to that bad depression, I figured I would miss maybe a few weeks of work as I had only missed 8-10 days of work in 20 years. Little did I know! Days became weeks became months became years! I lost my self-esteem and worth, and confidence in my ability to do just about anything. Now it looks like there is little I will be able to do in my career field, and in order to have some income, will likely have to get any sort of job to survive. I feel very discouraged for having ruined my career and finances, and it looks like I will have to be starting all over again, and at 49!

So, with facing the challenges of depression and trying to overcome it, to get back to work after so long off, being technologically challenged which will greatly limit my choices and chances, and getting back into a 'normal' routine and swing of things, I have felt a lot of anxiety over the whole job search and returning to work process. Is there anyone here who has been thru a similar situation or circumstances, whether it be due to depression or being at stay at home mom or dad returning back or going to work after a long absence? How did you face the challenge, fear and anxiety, what helped you get through it, and how well did you succeed? I appreciate your understanding and support.

Holy Cow ! You have just about explained the life that I have lived for the past five years !
I had a breakdown five years ago. I was hospitalized. I took a short term leave of absence from my job,
that was a 5 month short term disability leave. I returned to work, but I was never the same person
at work that I once was. I could not do my job very well and I had memory loss. Well, about two
years went by and then I got layed off from my job due to "workforce reduction". The layoff was
almost exactly three years ago. I have been unemployed for three years and I also have been losing what
little skills I once had on the job. I have no computer skills on Microsoft, as they were not required at my
last position. I have memory loss and trouble concentrating also. I have lost confidence.
I have spent all of my severance pay, all of my retirement money, and most of my unemployment
insurance benefit payments have been used up. I am getting some money from a family member to help
me out, to pay my bills and my rent. I used to be a hardworking individual that was quite independent
financially and personally. I was a workaholic and I worked at my last job for 24 years. I am now 51 years
old and trying to start over again. I am looking for jobs but have not found any that I qualify for, it is
quite depressing. I just don't even care to look for a job anymore. I am in the middle of a Social Security
Disability claim that is taking FOREVER to come to a decision, the whole process is mind-numbing and
causes me great stress. So, now I am an agoraphobic. I can drive and have a vehicle, but I don't care to
go anywhere or do anything. People around me probably are thinking that I should "just get over it", but
I cannot get over losing my job ( which was like my home ) and my co-worker friends ( they were like my
family ). Losing my job was like a death in my family, the death of me. Too many years I spent putting
"all my eggs in one basket", which was my job. I just wanted you to know that I know what you feel like
because I have gone through some of the same things you have.
God Bless and Stay Strong,
Lynda

[LyndaLu]

You must realize that you are important for WHO you are, not just WHAT you do.

I love your advice ! This is so true. I have been thinking the other way around for so many years.

Lynda

[mark167]

Hi Lynda, Thank u for ur reply and understanding. I'm sorry to hear what u r going thru, but it is 'comforting' to know that I am not alone in this situation. I was actually aware of a lot of ur situation from reading some of ur numerous posts over the year. I also felt we had a lot of close similarities and was struck by ur story. We've both had a good job/career that we enjoyed and worked hard at and were independent. Since leaving work we've experienced the memory loss, loss of confidence and skills/abilities, and the no money stress, and the lack of interest to get back at it. I think we both need to continue working the program, improving our mental health, getting rid of all that neg self talk, then we can begin to realize out potential and strengths, and return to the workforce, which will further boost our confidence and self esteem. One thing somebody suggested to me was to start with a little/no stress job, something perhaps part-time to get used to a work routine again, and to provide a little financial flexibilty. Is there something like that u could do, even if it is completely different from ur career or field of interest, just to start with? It kinda discourages me to have to do that as I am realizing I will be unable, for now, to return to teh type or level of work I did before. It seems like I have to start my life and career all over again, at almost 50, and that seems daunting. As much as that fear of getting back out there, or of disappointment and failure, is keeping me from trying hard, I know I (WE) can do it. Just one small step, one day, at a time. Good luck with everything and let me know how u r progressing.

[LyndaLu]

I guess my posts are "numerous", ha ha .
Thank you for replying to my post and I hope we both find a job soon.
Yes, I did apply for a part-time office job at a bank ( I used to work for a bank) and I even
got an interview for that job. I did not get the job, but at least I got the experience of going
to a job interview, my first job interview since 1984 .
It was a low-key job interview with just a supervisor and me talking in her cubicle.
No SUITS there or uptight executives, Thank God .
Keep In Touch and Take Care,
Lynda

[mark167]

Hi Lynda, I have appreciated a lot of what u said in your posts. Numerous, yes, and that is good - a post a day keeps the doctor away? As for me finding that job, I dont know whn that will happen as I just cant seem to get going (little motivation) with the work necessary to find work. I'm glad to hear u had that 1st experience after so long. It must feel good, to take that step and get ur foot in the door, and without so much pressure, which can be formidable after sooo long. I hope u have continued and will soon have some good news to post here. Hopefully that will get me motivated, thinking that it is still possible. I need to take the necessary steps and take action and persevere, despite my fears and weaknesses. Thank you.