Help! Feeling really down please help

[peaceandjoy7]

Normally, I suffer from anxiety because I would suffer from really bad panic attacks, but lately I have just been feeling really down. I am now a stay at home mom with a fifteen month old son and two month old twins. I used to work full time, but now because I have three children I stay at home. I feel really down because my husband has his own business and works five days a week about 10 to 11 hrs. a day and often on his day off he is crabby and has an upset look on his face. I know things are not easy for us now because we have the three young children who keep us busy and often we both suffer from lack of sleep. I feel sometimes like he doesn't love me any more. I don't feel like I am beautiful to him any more because I have gained weight from having twins. He says he never has felt this way, but all I know is that he doesn't seem as much into me like he used to be. I feel often like he doesn't want to do anything for me and he always has a comment for things I do. Sometimes I just feel like escaping and running away from it all. Of course I would never do this because I have responsibilities, but I just want to feel free, to feel happy, to feel good about myself again.
I would like to add to this all that I have suffered from a very painful first marriage. I was married to my first husband for seven years, and I was head over heals for him and he ended up braking my heart. He told me several times he did not love me, he said things to me you wouldn't say to your enemy, and he ended up doing somethings to me that were low down and deceitful. He said I was not successful, he compared me to women he saw where he worked and made me feel like I had to compete with them. He was very cruel and dishonest. The thing that hurts so much about all of this is that he brought a new religion to me in my life which I accepted with my own heart (he never forced me) and than when I started to really practice the tenants of my faith, especially the dress code for women he didn't support me in this even though at one time he asked me why when I first accepted this faith why I was not dressing in the proper dress code. He made me feel like a low life like a so called "door mat." Now he is married to a younger woman he went back to his own country to marry and bring back here to America and even though I am married with three children I can not stop thinking about this man. Not because I love him or care about him, but because I often feel like I loathe him and what he did to me and that there should be some kind of justice for what he did to me. Don't get me wrong I would never want anything bad to happen to him in any way because I am a kind person and I am not vengeful, however I would like to become a success to become more beautiful so some day I can run into him and show him that I am beautiful, I am a success, I do have money (he was crazy about money). What can I do to manage these feelings? I want nothing more that to show this man how wrong he was. He hurt my pride and hurt my faith and I don't know if I will ever recover.

[spatrick1964]

You can recover. You don't have to believe what he thought. Start focusing on you!!! What you are doing by staying home with your children is an awesome opportunity. This is time you can't get back:) Just make sure that you find time for you!!!

Susan

[Polaris]

You can recover it just takes time and you have to let go of the anger at your ex, it really will not help your current relationship or your family. Just show him how strong you are by not letting him have any more power over you! Be happy!

[Paisleegreen]

HI Peaceandjoy- You do have your hand full! My husband started a business years ago, so I know what you are going through. Both of you are under a lot of stress, so you are going to feel bad when you husband talks "sharply" to you. I've had 5 children, and what helped me to lose weight was going walking for an hour or 3 miles. I put the baby in a stroller and a younger child would ride his bike or tricycle. Other times, I went on my own.

I agree, with the others, try not to think about your Ex, or use it to spur you on. Think positive thoughts about yourself and your actions. I have hurt feelings from family members. There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to change my thinking and work on myself and also realize you are keeping him present in your mind and he isn't paying rent for that space. I also know that you do have to do grief work, think about the past for a certain time limit and then stop and move on to the present.

Just realize you are going through a rough time right now. Being self employed is very difficult, and raising small children at teh same time is hard, but you can do it. Paislee

[bunny rabbit]

Hi Peace and Joy: What a wonderful name to have, especially when life is unraveling. Your story reminds me of the complete nervous breakdown I had after my second child. What a horrendous ride that was!!!! Having small children underfoot all day when my husband worked all the time was extremely difficult. I didn't have family to help so I was on my own. Now they are so far away. My son and his family live in Brazil and I see them if I'm fortunate once a year. So, looking back everything in life has it's season. This Too Shall Pass! Please be extra self-caring. Your children and husband need you to be healthy and strong. When the plane is going down, the steward says put the mask on yourself first and then your child.

I have also had to work so hard on forgiveness issues. Family can bite like no other. One time I fasted for 5 days and at the end of the fast, God spoke to me through a healing tape by Jack Frost. I'll never forget it as long as I live. He said "I want to stand in the place of your father and ask for your forgiveness ...." It was like every word was for me. I have forgiven my father, sister, mother through His power and grace. I have to keep forgiving 70 x 7, often to the same person as issues arise. Forgiveness is the key that has unlocked the door to my prison of pain. I pray that God will enable you to forgive your ex-husband and that you will be able to move on to new life. Blessings from Bunny

[Paisleegreen]

Wow, Bunny, that was a very powerful experience you had from listening to Jack Frost. I like what you learned from it. I have the same issues, that I have to keep working on myself, long story. But the feelings of what family members have said do hurt.
So I have to work on my issues as well. My Father was a good Dad, just got different as he aged and tried to control my husband and my little family.

Hope you are doing better peaceandjoy. Paislee

[bunny rabbit]

Hi Paislee: How long did it take before you could look at a picture of your son without tears welling up in your eyes? I had a huge meltdown yesterday from a picture of my sister. I'm not feeling able to continue the program right now because I am living so much in the past. I want to move forward. I realize I'm missing out on the precious present moment. I wish the pain would stop. I can't escape it. No matter where I go it follows me. Blessings always from Bunny

[PB2704]

Ihope I got this off of here I got confuse and wrote something here and meant it to go to another subject. anyway if my mss-up got on here I am sorry -- I have a lot of trouble deaing with computer stuff and get so so very frustrated trying to take part -- I got so messed up in facebook I invited people to be friends and they were work contacts I had on my mail thing list whatever you call it. so I am trying to just cancel facebook. now trying to post here is just as confusing. I dont understand all this computer stuff it is too much like the awful job I've done for 4 years and am now furloughed from until next season in February.

I hate to hear about what you went through. Just know that you are doing better than you think!! You can at least have a convrsation on here with someone and know what you are doing. I'm gong to try and go to sssion 4 and quit beating myself up because chapter 3 was so hard for me.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi PB- That's too bad about FB, I know using the computer is hard when you haven't been doing it lately. I was very careful when I went on FB too. It is very important to watch what you post and what pics you show of yourself or family. But you'll will get there..it just takes practice.

Bunny Rabbit, I'm just now seeing your posting to me. It was two Sundays ago that I had meltdown while singing a hymn. I could not keep the tears back, as much as I tried. Grief is like that, it doesn't go away, it just stays with you in some compartment of your mind or heart, until it can no longer be restrained. But it is love that brings it out and that keeps it there. We are meant to love others and to be loved. Just let your tears flow...Paislee

[bunny rabbit]

Thank you Paislee for sharing. I realize grief is such a roller coaster. I feel however I did have a breakthrough as I worked day after day on an extremely painful memory of my sister when she was dying. It was the last time I saw her alive. I find I have to give my sorrow words, so along with the tears and wailing at times, I write and write and write. I am looking forward to going on retreat at a Hermitage in the woods. It is a tiny cottage with no running water surrounded by 102 acres of trails and woods. I am also planning another trip to Branson, Missouri. We were there a few years ago and had an incredible time. It's so great to have something wonderful to look forward to. Blessings from Bunny p.s. Tells us about your new grandchild please.