Hi, may need some support.
Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 11:33 am
Sorry for the silly alias, I see lots of honest people here using their full names and first names, but I can't use my name at all. I am not super famous ,but name pulls up in google search really easy, so I'd rather be anonymous as I don't ever want to go public with my issues.... which are indeed many.
I realize before I can really take part in a support community like this or another in PUBLIC -not happening- and heal some old mental illnesses that I need to address my immediate threat: potential spiraling depression.
I don't even know what to say. I have anxiety, OCD and depression. I have had alcohol problems, used mild drugs and prescription drugs like Xanax and prozac -long ago.
I am 40. Male. I have have anxiety since I was 4? OCD since 15? Depression on and off for years. Well it is back again. I think I have been in denial for a year or more.... slowly it seeps into your heart and mind. Looking back at it now, I see it is the reason for my feelings of social disassociation and just not ever really having fun. I am happiest when I am alone. How sick is that? That has been my life, though no one who knows me, knows it.
All start with the slow dismantling of my relationship, about 2 years ago? Again, in denial. Direct questioning, she answered 100's of times that she didn't want to break up then became wasn't sure what she wanted.... Lots of hot and cold. 8 years. Now it is here. The darkness. I feel totally alone. After returning to my girlfriend after several months because I was out of the country, and it was decided that "break" might be what she needed for us - she has avoided me for 7 days. SEVEN days.
This has never happened in 8 eights... not like this. I tried to reach out as a last attempt effort to connect to her emotionally on flippin facebook...I hate facebook... - we live together, but I need facebook to reach her iphone to say anything! WTF?
I have shut my mouth about my personal feelings about her to all... it is too hard. Dreams that will not happen, a proposal lost ... all of that.
I guess I posted here to spew..., not even sure how I found this ---other than being alone, on my new macbook pro, surfing the internet 15-20 hours per day... That's another thing, I have been planning to buy this new MBP for 2-3 years. I finally got it last month, I never really felt much?
When I spoke of my girlfriend to a friend online of course he offered to meet me for a beer, but I told him that I wasn't ready to see anyone. Anyone, his summary to me was he said her violence, temper has been a pattern and I am a victim and need to take my life back. For the first time, I feel like my failed love life is a hollywood drama. It isn't glamorous either. Any he urged me to get out doing things fast. I asked why and if he thought I sounded that depressed. He replied isn't hard to spiral downward fast. So I guess that why I am here. Truth is I don't like typing this sh$t. I rather be surfing the net on comfortable sites...
I've tried to keep a little positive. Chewing on some anti-anxiety gum, holistic (flower extracts) anti-anxiety pills, but I think the only thing that made me feel warm is funny vids on youtube and eating Flinstone vitamins that I bought for a joke months ago...now I am eating them like candy. I have an addictive-type personality, I am trying not to self-medicate with alcohol or other substances.... so far, so good.
In truth, over the months when I was overseas I told myself to consider other women as did those around me. Logically, my mind told to accept probable break-up when I return. I know we have fought terribly for the past year. I feel I've been her prisoner for a year- trying to be strong, positive, non-engaging into her negative confrontational way (which she developed more of over the past 2 years or so).
I spent the past year with any anger issues I have had in relationship-related arguments in the past. I am proud that I have done quite well with this in face of her being literally in my face several occasions this past year as if she was the rockstar!
I am feeling the anxiety of the near-day that I will need to start packing and move out. Again, nothing can really prepare you for this... trust me... I have been preparing in both hopefulness OR acceptance of it being over.... Well, her contempt for our relationship tells all...7 days straight. Here it is, knocking on my door, but it is hard as hell to answer it.
Perhaps, my open approach to preparing (both hopeful or accepting the opposite) for either scenario equally thorough has made it all the more real for me now..since I feel unbitter, but saddened. I can break down if I think of any good memory, hopeful thoughts I clung to this past year, or even sing a song that hits home. That is my state. That is me, now. Bleak.
In the coming week or couple days, I need to find a place to live. The only positive thing is, since she has been avoiding me constantly, there's a chance that when I move she won't even be here. Last night she never came, still hasn't as I type this. Out with girl friends or a new man in her life? Saw her on facebook earlier and I asked the obvious question : where are you? and she then went offline. Like she's a stranger and this is a bad dream...literally has me questioning if this is really happening. My messages to her were to be positive; encouraging her to not be rash, fully consider self-contemplation of her negative actions, employ self-forgiveness and to forgive me, not to blame me, to have hope.
I don't really know what more to say. I just want the sh$tty feelings to end, but it's gonna get worse for me. This is only the beginning I guess... It hurts more that she is treating me like I don't exist, all that we have been through and experienced, and she deals with her pain this way? Total denial, partying and working over-time, spending her money faster than she's making it... What's worse is that she has been making more money at her new business venture, which I am happy for her, but it has been thrusting her into more selfishness and validation of ego-centric behavior without remorse. This no remorse, no conscience attitude she has might have made me angry before, but now it saddens me. The little-helper in me wants to get her off this path, but this path maybe her way of breaking up with me? Or it could be her chosen path to self-indulgence and breaking up with me is easy for her?
Thing that gets me though, is we vowed to ever cheat on one another (maybe she has been?? ) out of sheer respect for each other ( I have received NONE despite my giving of respect to her) and it makes shake my head because she mentioned 7-8 months that it'd be her worst nightmare to lose our friendship/respect if we ever do break up... something she said at the beginning, before we became an item, too - 8 years ago. Well, here she is making her nightmare become true without remorse.
I should mention she is 9 years younger than me, which would never really mean much seeing most 32 old women are extremely mature... even lots of 24-25 yr old ladies... This gal has lived somewhat of a charmed life thanks to her dad... so there's that. I had deeper ties to her to support her over the years as her parents aren't good together and secretly want to be divorced and my... ugh EX knows it.. Also, that her father hit her mom and her sister and brother 17-20 years ago..but she has no memory if she was hit, too. So I always tried to be with her (my parents have had a blessed healthy marriage of anyone that I know of actually) to heal her heart and I always thought that could be my gift to her. In truth, I feel she was probably hit, too as her siblings, but just isn't aware of it.
That would explain her violent outbursts over the past 5 years, that progressed until it came to head this past August. Would explain her dismissal of her terrible words and actions without remorse. I could NEVER f#$king understand that? How does she NEVER feel guilty???? That's not normal in my books. I've typed too much. I guess I need to spew some sourness. It's hard to be sanguine in the wake of gloom....
Hope you all are doing better than I am.
Peace
I realize before I can really take part in a support community like this or another in PUBLIC -not happening- and heal some old mental illnesses that I need to address my immediate threat: potential spiraling depression.
I don't even know what to say. I have anxiety, OCD and depression. I have had alcohol problems, used mild drugs and prescription drugs like Xanax and prozac -long ago.
I am 40. Male. I have have anxiety since I was 4? OCD since 15? Depression on and off for years. Well it is back again. I think I have been in denial for a year or more.... slowly it seeps into your heart and mind. Looking back at it now, I see it is the reason for my feelings of social disassociation and just not ever really having fun. I am happiest when I am alone. How sick is that? That has been my life, though no one who knows me, knows it.
All start with the slow dismantling of my relationship, about 2 years ago? Again, in denial. Direct questioning, she answered 100's of times that she didn't want to break up then became wasn't sure what she wanted.... Lots of hot and cold. 8 years. Now it is here. The darkness. I feel totally alone. After returning to my girlfriend after several months because I was out of the country, and it was decided that "break" might be what she needed for us - she has avoided me for 7 days. SEVEN days.
This has never happened in 8 eights... not like this. I tried to reach out as a last attempt effort to connect to her emotionally on flippin facebook...I hate facebook... - we live together, but I need facebook to reach her iphone to say anything! WTF?
I have shut my mouth about my personal feelings about her to all... it is too hard. Dreams that will not happen, a proposal lost ... all of that.
I guess I posted here to spew..., not even sure how I found this ---other than being alone, on my new macbook pro, surfing the internet 15-20 hours per day... That's another thing, I have been planning to buy this new MBP for 2-3 years. I finally got it last month, I never really felt much?
When I spoke of my girlfriend to a friend online of course he offered to meet me for a beer, but I told him that I wasn't ready to see anyone. Anyone, his summary to me was he said her violence, temper has been a pattern and I am a victim and need to take my life back. For the first time, I feel like my failed love life is a hollywood drama. It isn't glamorous either. Any he urged me to get out doing things fast. I asked why and if he thought I sounded that depressed. He replied isn't hard to spiral downward fast. So I guess that why I am here. Truth is I don't like typing this sh$t. I rather be surfing the net on comfortable sites...
I've tried to keep a little positive. Chewing on some anti-anxiety gum, holistic (flower extracts) anti-anxiety pills, but I think the only thing that made me feel warm is funny vids on youtube and eating Flinstone vitamins that I bought for a joke months ago...now I am eating them like candy. I have an addictive-type personality, I am trying not to self-medicate with alcohol or other substances.... so far, so good.
In truth, over the months when I was overseas I told myself to consider other women as did those around me. Logically, my mind told to accept probable break-up when I return. I know we have fought terribly for the past year. I feel I've been her prisoner for a year- trying to be strong, positive, non-engaging into her negative confrontational way (which she developed more of over the past 2 years or so).
I spent the past year with any anger issues I have had in relationship-related arguments in the past. I am proud that I have done quite well with this in face of her being literally in my face several occasions this past year as if she was the rockstar!
I am feeling the anxiety of the near-day that I will need to start packing and move out. Again, nothing can really prepare you for this... trust me... I have been preparing in both hopefulness OR acceptance of it being over.... Well, her contempt for our relationship tells all...7 days straight. Here it is, knocking on my door, but it is hard as hell to answer it.
Perhaps, my open approach to preparing (both hopeful or accepting the opposite) for either scenario equally thorough has made it all the more real for me now..since I feel unbitter, but saddened. I can break down if I think of any good memory, hopeful thoughts I clung to this past year, or even sing a song that hits home. That is my state. That is me, now. Bleak.
In the coming week or couple days, I need to find a place to live. The only positive thing is, since she has been avoiding me constantly, there's a chance that when I move she won't even be here. Last night she never came, still hasn't as I type this. Out with girl friends or a new man in her life? Saw her on facebook earlier and I asked the obvious question : where are you? and she then went offline. Like she's a stranger and this is a bad dream...literally has me questioning if this is really happening. My messages to her were to be positive; encouraging her to not be rash, fully consider self-contemplation of her negative actions, employ self-forgiveness and to forgive me, not to blame me, to have hope.
I don't really know what more to say. I just want the sh$tty feelings to end, but it's gonna get worse for me. This is only the beginning I guess... It hurts more that she is treating me like I don't exist, all that we have been through and experienced, and she deals with her pain this way? Total denial, partying and working over-time, spending her money faster than she's making it... What's worse is that she has been making more money at her new business venture, which I am happy for her, but it has been thrusting her into more selfishness and validation of ego-centric behavior without remorse. This no remorse, no conscience attitude she has might have made me angry before, but now it saddens me. The little-helper in me wants to get her off this path, but this path maybe her way of breaking up with me? Or it could be her chosen path to self-indulgence and breaking up with me is easy for her?
Thing that gets me though, is we vowed to ever cheat on one another (maybe she has been?? ) out of sheer respect for each other ( I have received NONE despite my giving of respect to her) and it makes shake my head because she mentioned 7-8 months that it'd be her worst nightmare to lose our friendship/respect if we ever do break up... something she said at the beginning, before we became an item, too - 8 years ago. Well, here she is making her nightmare become true without remorse.
I should mention she is 9 years younger than me, which would never really mean much seeing most 32 old women are extremely mature... even lots of 24-25 yr old ladies... This gal has lived somewhat of a charmed life thanks to her dad... so there's that. I had deeper ties to her to support her over the years as her parents aren't good together and secretly want to be divorced and my... ugh EX knows it.. Also, that her father hit her mom and her sister and brother 17-20 years ago..but she has no memory if she was hit, too. So I always tried to be with her (my parents have had a blessed healthy marriage of anyone that I know of actually) to heal her heart and I always thought that could be my gift to her. In truth, I feel she was probably hit, too as her siblings, but just isn't aware of it.
That would explain her violent outbursts over the past 5 years, that progressed until it came to head this past August. Would explain her dismissal of her terrible words and actions without remorse. I could NEVER f#$king understand that? How does she NEVER feel guilty???? That's not normal in my books. I've typed too much. I guess I need to spew some sourness. It's hard to be sanguine in the wake of gloom....
Hope you all are doing better than I am.
Peace
I hope that we can help you out as you sort things out in your life. I've come a long way since being here and have not had any panic attacks since last summer. Dealt with anxiety issues and weaning off of Beta Blockers and anti-depressants, so I've come a long way using Lucinda's CDs and working with the great people that come on here for support.