Depression & Anxiety - My Story

[tommy_riley]

Hi,
My name is Tommy and here is my story. It’s kind of rambles a bit (especially towards the end) but my brain is a little scattered lately. I've posted this story in a few formats on at least one other website, but for the sake of this program and trying to find a peer group here here it goes again:

I got married young (around 24), and after completing community college and working low-paying jobs in the restaurant industry I made a decision to get into the computer field as I had been tinkering with computers since around the age of 10. This plan worked and I enjoyed a successful (yet sometimes stressful) job for a major software company in Washington state for almost eight years. During that time my wife (now ex) and I had bought a home and had two children together (now aged six and 12). During the years at the software company in Washington I had some anxiety (like preparing for a meeting, or reaching a deadline, etc. - normal stuff) but it seemed manageable and I self-medicated allot as will be described below.

As for depression, I have probably had at least a form of "mild" depression for the last 15 years and never fully accepted that fact until recent events where things have felt much, much worse. I also have suffered from low self-esteem issues on and off since I was a child.

For many years, the way I dealt with the depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues was through the daily use of alcohol or drugs on a daily basis starting around the age of 17 (I am 38 now). Whether it was marijuana in my teens and twenties, or alcohol in my twenties and thirties, or even harder drugs for a few years between 2004-2008. It seemed there was always some vice that I used to calm myself down or make myself feel better.

This "seemed" to work for myself, but in reality it was destroying my marriage, not allowing me to be the father I should be, and taking its toll on work. I eventually got a DUI in 2006 and that was the start of major change in my life. I won't go into details on the DUI, but I will say that I am still dealing with the consequences of it to this very day (and will be for the next 1.5 years).

Shortly after my DUI in 2006 my ex-wife discovered my hard drug usage and we ended up selling the home. I lost my job, and I was unable to continue deferred sentencing for my DUI. My ex wanted to separate for a while and so she took the kids to California to start over and I went to stay with my mom in Salt Lake to try and clean things up. I didn't clean up, but I pretended I did so I could get back together with my wife and children. Things were OK as I arrived in California and I got another job at a tech company in the bay area.

In 2008 my ex wife discovered that I still had a problem and decided to leave me for good. This sent me off the deep end and I started down a destructive path of alcohol and drugs until July 2008 where I ended up wrecking my motorcycle - almost completely destroying my leg and in a coma for several weeks – they were unsure if I would be able to keep my leg for the first few weeks and once they suggested to me in 2009 that I could do amputation if I didn’t want to deal with the re-occurring staph infection. Anyway, luckily I was able to keep my leg and when I woke up from the coma my ex wife was at my side and told me what had happened and said that she had decided to stay with me - which really helped motivate me to get better and I think it was what I needed to hear at the time.

I was in the hospital and in-patient rehabilitation until just before labor day of 2008. I came home and within a week I developed MRSA staph infection in my foot and had to go back to the hospital for several small operations on my foot to try and clean out the infection.

Over the next year and a half I worked on healing and battling more MRSA Staph infection outbreaks. I had staph in my knee which required surgery and another weeks stay in the hospital during the summer of 2009, and then a major problem with staph in my femur (between my leg and the metal rod that was in my leg) in fall of 2009 which required a major surgery and one month recovery time at home.

I returned to work in November of 2008 and when I wasn't dealing with the staph infection I have been working full time. I went from wheelchair, to two crutches, to a single crutch, to a cane, to finally about four months ago, no cane. I still cannot lock my kneecap and walk with a limp, but hopefully someday I can have one more surgery to fix that and get back to "normal" as far as walking is concerned.

Things never did work out fully with my ex wife - she just had lost all trust for me over the years and she moved out in Jan. of 2010. Our divorce will be finalized this coming February. We slept in separate rooms since the motorcycle accident in 2008 so it was a long and painful separation process.

For the last year I have had my kids only on weekends and continue to work the same tech job and moved on from the 13 year marriage (17 year relationship) as best I can. I have no desire to get back together with my ex-wife at this point.

After the motorcycle accident I was put on morphine for the pain. Little did I know the long term effects it would have on me. I have also been on antibiotics non-stop since Fall of 2009 (through today). Last year, after the last surgery, I started to slowly wean myself off the morphine starting in Feb' of 2010.

In March of 2010 I started having my first real bouts of strong anxiety attacks (more like constant physical anxiety in my chest/general nervousness feelings). Part of it, looking back, I think was the slow wean off of morphine, some of it due to taking the antibiotic for a long period of time, and part of it due to me deciding to go back to Washington to try and resolve the old DUI from 2006 and the nervous anticipation of what would happen when I went to court over it.

I went to a psychiatrist about my anxiety in April and tried a little valium and Klonopin - but I was honest with my psychiatrist and told him of my past additions. So we stopped the benzo's after a time and I tried Celexa. Although he was ok with me taking Ativan (it didn't give me a high feeling, just helped with the physical anxiety).

I made it through the court date in Washington and setup a new plan to honor my commitments for sentencing here in the bay area. I started feeling a little better about anxiety and continued trying to work my way past my failed marriage.

I met a girl in the summer of 2010 and things took off pretty quickly from there - feel in love almost immediately and life was moving at a faster pace. I continued to have some anxiety but not as bad. I soon discovered though that I was having sexual side effects from my physiological condition, possibly from the morphine, and from the Celexa as well. So I stopped taking the Celexa about three months after starting. My anxiety started to build back up over the fall. I started having sexual issues again and started building up performance anxiety every time we would try and go to the bedroom. My girlfriend and I had been talking about marriage over the fall, but shortly after thanksgiving she broke up with me. I feel like the reasons she gave me were trivial, and tried to believe that a lot of the problem had to do with her bi-polar disorder and personal issues of self worth rather than any major flaws I had - I know my anxiety will not last forever, and I continue to get stronger on my two feet every day. After the breakup I went back on Celexa to try and curb the anxiety.

Not wanting the relationship to end I asked her to reconsider and we tried for one more month in December to make things work, but again with the sexual side effect issues and she was still not happy overall. Looking back, I realize I had also settled for a less than ideal relationship - but I still struggle with not being with her.

On December 25th of 2010 (about a month ago) I was at a low enough of dosage of morphine where I decided to quit taking it all together. I have not taken morphine since that day. I also stopped Celexa cold turkey to try and help with the sexual side effects in the bedroom. I also had stopped taking my antibiotic thinking it was also contributing to my anxiety - I did this as a test and also wanted to be off of everything to try and "clear" my head. It was five days after I quit all pills that my girlfriend broke up with me the 2nd time.

I went into a complete downward spiral of depression and physical anxiety (there was a week where I really felt suicidal for the first time in my life – I don’t feel like that now). I realized I couldn't do it alone so I started taking BuSpar (and have just started Wellbutrin XR last week). I feel a bit better with the depression now, but the anxiety is still persistent every single day - making it hard to focus at work, making me procrastinate on cleaning the house, or go shopping for food, etc. On the weekends when I have my kids, sometimes all I can do is lay in bed for a few hours hoping the anxiety will go away. I take Ativan on the bad days, but I can see that as almost contributing to the problem rather than helping it since I do not take it regularly. I think I am going to stop it all together once my prescription runs out.

After the first breakup with my ex-girlfriend, I decided to cut out all caffeine, most refined sugars, switch from white bread to wheat, no more regular soda, etc. Just trying to eat more healthy in general. I have been doing this since the beginning of December. I also started going swimming at the YMCA 3-4 times a week - I am a smoker, so I have trouble with my breathing in the pool, so I do what I can (H2O running, water weights, short laps, etc.) - I know I need to get more cardio happening - and I can't really do it outside of the pool due to my leg. The pool and Jacuzzi have been a real life saver - plus I talk with people about what’s happened to me there and many of them also are going through life issues as well. It's therapeutic.

I am about 9 months into an alcohol drug treatment program that was mandated in Washington, so I get support from individual and group therapy there as well.

However, I have always been very self-reliant and don't feel like I have a strong support network at all - sure I talk to whoever listens, but I am having trouble with relying or burdening my problems on any one individual. I also am not a spiritual person at all and have always had difficulty getting into any religion or feeling spiritual in any way shape or form.

I saw the commercial for this anxiety and depression program at the end of December, and I just received the program last week. I really hope it can help me as right now the anxiety is at times overwhelming (not panic attacks, but just constant tension in my chest and nervousness). The anxiety makes it so I have a hard time communicating with people in regular ordinary conversations. And I don't know if it is the anxiety, depression, or medications I am on, but I am not really excited about anything right now - everything seems kind of ho-hum. I am liking the swimming sessions, but I don't feel the weight coming off like I think it should - I lost about 10-12lbs at the start, but it's tapered off and stagnated. I am loosely dating new women, but am not finding myself attracted to anyone so far like I have been in the past - I really don't want to make the mistake of getting into another relationship where I "settle" for something that isn't ideal for me, and I also feel like it is too soon after my last relationship where it will be healthy for me and the other - but it sucks not having companionship - feels like a catch 22.

In December 2009 I was on about 480-600mg of morphine a day. Throughout 2010 I got it down to 15-30mg of morphine a day, and as I said, it's been almost a month since I stopped taking it. I also had my doctors switch my antibiotic to something that doesn't seem to have reports of anxiety.

I'm hoping that the anxiety I have been feeling the last year is due to the slow wean off of morphine and that in the next few months it will go away, and I will start to feel "normal" again, find enjoyment in things outside of swimming, be engaged in my job, and maybe when I least expect it, find a good gal to be with.

Right now, I'm just very aware of what has happened to me, what I am trying to do to take care of my health, and trying to be patient with coming out of this phase of anxiety and depression. I would like to try and loose any remaining extra weight I have as well – I am about 30lbs over weight –hoping it will give me a boost in my self-confidence.

Many people are shocked when they hear my story and how well I have persevered through all of this and how I continue to work, goto treatment, take care of my kids on the weekends, and just drive towards results – but I always feel like I am just barely hanging on and I really dislike feeling like this all of the time. I would so much like to be living in the moment and happy about life, but it’s just not that fun right now.

I am about ready to start week #2 of this program and am very open to its ideas - I'm open to anything at this point to feel better. Ideally I would like to feel better and eventually get back off all of the meds (except the antibiotic - gotta keep that staph infection at bay).

-Tommy

P.S. Sometimes I feel like I know more about all these medications I am on then some of my doctors.

[tommy_riley]

My depression and anxiety have signficently lowered over the last few weeks. I've made it through a few sessions of this program and I believe the welbutrin and buspar are both helping - the positive self talk has really helped with getting past my ex-g/f and talking my way through elevated anxiety times. Having a new g/f has absolutely helped too - giving me self-confidence and allowing me to tell myself that there are lots of gals out there who enjoy me - so too bad for you ex-g/f...I was just getting interesting!

[tommy_riley]

Depression seems to be returning - I stopped taking the BuSpar a few weeks ago as I was having too many side effects and started on a lower dosage of celexa which I was on for a few months last year.

I am not sure what is going on - I have not been motivated to continue through the program, and my exersize at the swimming pool has fallen off. I feel very fatigued still, my anxiety is down but still feel nervous in the chest/tightness in the chest from the moment I wake up until maybe an hour or two before I go to bed.

I have been feeling frustrated and irratable lately as well (which I have not felt for several years). I wonder if my body got used to the welbutrin and now is asking for more. I guess I will email my psych and ask his opinion.

Postive talk helps sometimes, but other times I just don't want to think at all and distract myself with simple games on my phone or watching tv...I only do work at work when I absolutely need to right now as well, otherwise I am just surfing the net trying to distract myself.

ug!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Tommy, yes you will feel a little down when going off of Anti-depressants. Your body was use to the benefits it gave you along with the side affects, so you will be going through withdrawals. I've been there and know that it is hard. Sometimes you just have to distract yourself like you have been with technology. This website has helped me distract myself and work on feeling better. I've come a long way from weaning off of meds, it isn't easy but it can be done.

Try and get back to the swimming pool and into some sunshine. Eat good foods with protein and omega 3's in them. Such as tuna and eggs. Paislee