Random suicidal feelings

[Avery212]

Hi all. I have noticed that I will ranomly have moments of Feeling extremely blue and suicidal feelings but not necessarily thoughts. I dont really know how to describe it but I want to know whats going on with me. For instance last night I went shopping and when I was paying for my clothes I suddenly felt really depressed and felt all my happiness drain from me like nothing mattered or could make me happy again. These feelings come randomly about a couple times a month. I usually get them when I am tired and usually at night. They dont last for much longer than half hr i think at most. However they scare me!
They are so strong. I'm not an over emotional person and I dont fluctuate moods or anything just this weird random depression thing. It worries me that I wont be able to handle the misery of it someday. or what if it lasts? if that is what true depression feels like I dont know if I could take it. So anyways I am totally freaking out. I am happy with my life and I dont tihnk of actually killing myself in fact I am horribly afraid of death and injury.

I wonder if it might be attatched to my abandonment issues. Im super close to my mom she is the only person I can open up to and she comforts me and is Always there for me. If something happens to her I seriously think I will die of depression because she is the only person in my life who truly cares and is there for me. So I know I can handle these feelings now becasue I can talk to her bout it but what about when shes gone???

Maybe it is related to an issue that when I was younger I felt alone, unloved, bad, evil. and I got very depressed, that is when I first experienced feelings od detatchment, and true depression. I dont want death but I have a haunting feeling of it.

I also have struggled with all types of anxiety, however i have a lot of that under control right now. I dont take meds or anything, I'm always so afraid of having a reaction to them (i got that becasue my cousin did once and told me how horrifying it was now I dont take anything that can have a reaction to and am always worried about having a reaction to). Anyways I hope this is understandable, im not very good at putting things together. Thank you everyone for any insight

[Guest]

Your early description of sudden sadness does seem as if it is a reaction to a trigger. I think you are right in searching for what that might be, but it may not be all that important that you find 'the one.' What I mean is, the other things you bring up re obviously things that bother you too, so work on each of them as you are working through the program. You will be able to break the hold of any and all of the negative thoughts.
When this happens you're self esteem increases and you'll be able to reach out to other people more easily.