I have been doing better lately, but find that as the day progresses I start to have a "dark," oppressive feeling start to grown in me. It is a negativity, an anxiety, a depression perhaps. It slowly takes over my good, positive feelings mid-day to early evening. I fear it. I fear going to bed because it might be there in the morning. It attempts to overwhelm my life and my emotions. I wish it would be gone. I think in the past it has been responsible for suicide attempts, self-injury, and the like. It is a darkness and a blackness which I wish were gone.
Does anyone else have any type of similar feelings? Are things "visual" to you like they are to me?
_________
Xanax alternative
Dark Feeling...Depresion or Anxiety
Oh Nuts! I was just working on a decent response when I hit the wrong button and lost all my copy. When here I go again.
The following is from Personal Notes I made to myself 2-11-09.
I'm sitting at Jack In The Crack awaiting Max Cannon the creator of a synidicated comic strip called RED MEAT, to show up. But he doesn't. And my negative side goes: See You're just not worth his time. And so the reason I wanted this meeting was to see if he'd be willing to take up the chore of inking in my comic character:
MADAME X INCORPORATED. However since I've been practing with new sized Sharpie black and Brush pens I'm finding that maybe I don't really don't need him to do what I'm finding out I can do myself.
So I think I'm going to continue to ink in her adventures because it makes my happy. And this is a feeling that no drug can top. I've been looking into trying to ink differently since a good friend and colleage suggested that I needed to start experimenting with my line varations. Also too, I needed to do more spotting blacks in my final pieces. And guess what he was right. And now my art looks better and more professional because I was willing to listen to some criticism and then try something new. Another new factor added to MX Inc. is I've taken on an Editor in the name of Rich K. and he's allowed me to see that by slowing down the pace of the action in the comic we could wind up with a better product and since then I've been doing just that and the books, we're on #3 is coming out like gangbusters.
None of this could have occurred before I got through the the program course because I was still stuck in my thinking that I had to be the Lone Ranger to get things done MY WAY! Now I'm not trying to Feed this Hole inside my gut screaming at me to "FEED ME SYMORE, FEED ME!" Anymore!!!
My game plan has totally changed because I've changed! For the better I might say. I'm also in a Business Planning class thats allowing me, not some other business person who saids they can write a terrific Business Plan for 1K. And just give me something that reads like sterio instructions. Nope. I'm writting it so I can understand what I'm doing and why. Before the program I'd be hiding under the covers waiting for someone else to do it. So you see theirs no one who can do what I do or get the job done any wheres near as I can do it. So I'll keep moving in the direction I feel the Good Lord is leading me.
Thanx.
The following is from Personal Notes I made to myself 2-11-09.
I'm sitting at Jack In The Crack awaiting Max Cannon the creator of a synidicated comic strip called RED MEAT, to show up. But he doesn't. And my negative side goes: See You're just not worth his time. And so the reason I wanted this meeting was to see if he'd be willing to take up the chore of inking in my comic character:
MADAME X INCORPORATED. However since I've been practing with new sized Sharpie black and Brush pens I'm finding that maybe I don't really don't need him to do what I'm finding out I can do myself.
So I think I'm going to continue to ink in her adventures because it makes my happy. And this is a feeling that no drug can top. I've been looking into trying to ink differently since a good friend and colleage suggested that I needed to start experimenting with my line varations. Also too, I needed to do more spotting blacks in my final pieces. And guess what he was right. And now my art looks better and more professional because I was willing to listen to some criticism and then try something new. Another new factor added to MX Inc. is I've taken on an Editor in the name of Rich K. and he's allowed me to see that by slowing down the pace of the action in the comic we could wind up with a better product and since then I've been doing just that and the books, we're on #3 is coming out like gangbusters.
None of this could have occurred before I got through the the program course because I was still stuck in my thinking that I had to be the Lone Ranger to get things done MY WAY! Now I'm not trying to Feed this Hole inside my gut screaming at me to "FEED ME SYMORE, FEED ME!" Anymore!!!
My game plan has totally changed because I've changed! For the better I might say. I'm also in a Business Planning class thats allowing me, not some other business person who saids they can write a terrific Business Plan for 1K. And just give me something that reads like sterio instructions. Nope. I'm writting it so I can understand what I'm doing and why. Before the program I'd be hiding under the covers waiting for someone else to do it. So you see theirs no one who can do what I do or get the job done any wheres near as I can do it. So I'll keep moving in the direction I feel the Good Lord is leading me.
Thanx.
Jack.... I'm an the same cycle as you..... my day often starts out the best it will be and as the day goes along I see myself just getting eaten up. By 4:00 p.m. I'm ready to take a nap and I'm tired, even though I slept well the night before. By bedtime, the "what if" demons are lined up outside my house ready to fill my head and torment me all night. Bud, I wish there was a way we could settle all this down. I feel like I'm in a big swimming pool, and everyone is up on the deck in the sun having a great time at a party, and then there's me.... treading water looking for a way to get up to them and to be able to enjoy the party...but I'm stuck in the pool and just cant get out.
Dear Jack,
this is so interesting to me to read what you wrote! ive noticed the same thing happens to me starting like 5-6 pm. i recently started the program again and thats why i have the patience & love to watch & learn instead of hating on myself and popping a Xanax to just knock me out to sleep. i stopped using Xanax 2 months ago. it was my crutch. served me well but i knew there were feelings i needed to feel.
So dear Jack, when i work out in the evenings there's less of the gloom but since i didnt work out for 3 days i noticed it more so.
Its sorrow for me. i got to bed either anxious or already depressed but it is with me as soon as i wake. then it dissipates and return after my day of work, when the light sets and the night starts, what ive come to realize is that there is a legitimate sadness.
it used to be a heavy blanket of dread, doom and depression but thanks to therapy and process work the dark quilt has been exploded by the light of inquisition, love & support.
Dont give up in finding out what it is that drags you down. it does change!
mayaloo
this is so interesting to me to read what you wrote! ive noticed the same thing happens to me starting like 5-6 pm. i recently started the program again and thats why i have the patience & love to watch & learn instead of hating on myself and popping a Xanax to just knock me out to sleep. i stopped using Xanax 2 months ago. it was my crutch. served me well but i knew there were feelings i needed to feel.
So dear Jack, when i work out in the evenings there's less of the gloom but since i didnt work out for 3 days i noticed it more so.
Its sorrow for me. i got to bed either anxious or already depressed but it is with me as soon as i wake. then it dissipates and return after my day of work, when the light sets and the night starts, what ive come to realize is that there is a legitimate sadness.
it used to be a heavy blanket of dread, doom and depression but thanks to therapy and process work the dark quilt has been exploded by the light of inquisition, love & support.
Dont give up in finding out what it is that drags you down. it does change!
mayaloo
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lovemyfamily
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:44 pm
I have had this depression for so many years, since childhood, and I am going on 76 years old. I also have a deep social anxiety level. I have been on medications for this, and in therapy for most of my life, but it doesn't get any better. I wish there was someway I could live a normal life like so many other people do.