Stress Center Peer Support

I have a great fear that the fire inside of me will hurt those who I care about as it has before. I am not a violent person but when push comes to shove I do not back down. One side of my family is very violent and yelling, screaming, and fightin where common place, I've tried my entire life to not be violent and im so afraid that I would hurt someone that I have chosen to live my life in solitude (not counting work). I do not want to take pills because too many family members have an addiction to pills and I feel that I may develope one as well. I'm so afriad of hurting others I close myself off from the world in hope that by doing this I will not hurt anyone. My mother and half sister both suffered from violent outbursts (possible bipolar or depression), as do I at times but I try to grasp a control of the chaos I feel is inside of me. I can't bring myself to enjoy certian things in life out of this fear that I am a monster, I am constantly racked with guilt and no matter what I cannot find forgiveness for myself. I wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling of falling to my death. I'm not sucidal or anything but I feel this fear of hurting others is at times too great for me so I retreat further and further away from people. What is wrong with me why am I so afraid and what can I do about it?

Have you seen The OCD Project on VH1? Season 1 has already ended so you should try to watch it. There was a man on that show with the same fear of hurting others. The doctor on the show did exposures with him to help him learn he has control over his actions at all times. At one point, he instructed the man to kill one of the women on the show when she exited the restroom. He held the knife in his hand and waited breathlessly until she came out, but when the time came, he dropped the knife and let her walk by. He finally realized he wasn't who he always feared he would become and he could choose not to. I hope this has helped you.