Just BLAH

Seeking Help Jen · Post by **Seeking Help Jen** » Thu Aug 26, 2010 3:31 am

I just feel so blah! I've gotten over the "what if" thinking which was a huge barrior for me. Now I just don't seem to care about anything. I've lost compassion and instead of looking at opportunities as a positive thing I complain about having to do them. For example, I have been applying for jobs and make it to the final two, only to be told my lack of degree is holding me back - - even though I have 13 years of experience in my field. And how do I feel? MAD - - mad that I have to go back to school . . . mad that I have to add to my student loan debt . . . mad that I have to work a second job to help raise two kids when their father isn't required to do much of anything financially . . . mad that I just can't seem to be truly thankful for what I have and the opportunities that come my way. And when I say, lost my compassion, boy do I mean it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and why can't I beat this depression without medication?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 26, 2010 5:02 pm

Unfortunately, I don't know how to beat depression without medication. I'm on medication and still have bouts of depression. When I get bad news or someone told me I did something wrong, or my fiancé gets irritated with me, I feel like curling up in a corner and crying myself to sleep like I did when I was young. I didn't know it was depression then. And I didn't know I had anxiety. I didn't know I was having panic attacks. I just thought I was way too sensitive. And when I'd go to my mom or sister they'd roll their eyes and say "why are you crying now!?" I learned to keep it to myself and just cry myself to sleep at night.

What's funny is I'm in the exact opposite situation as you. I'm a certified teacher with a Bachelor's degree and I haven't been able to land a job in the 5 years I've been looking. I'm even certified for ESL and General Ed grades Pre-K through 4th. And Math grades 4-8. And Math grades 8-12. And not one district will give me a chance. I've usually been passed up for alternative certification candidates who don't have a degree in teaching and aren't even certified until the end of their first year in a classroom. But they don't want to hire me. I switched careers. Now I'm a photographer. I'd had enough with applying to endless numbers of jobs and going to endless numbers of job fairs with endless numbers of resumes. I was tired of selling myself. I didn't see the point. 2000 people would show up for a district job fair that had 2 openings. Or some that had no openings. Sick and tired of the whole thing. My degree is now worthless. And I still owe the government $20,000 for letting me get it. Yey.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 26, 2010 5:04 pm

...and there's nothing wrong to with you. You're completely normal.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:37 am

Ms. Purple - - Thank you!

Sometimes all I need to do is vent and have someone listen, relate and give me some encouragement. LOL, boy do I know what you mean by having someone say "Why are you crying now?" It seems like I cry even in situations that should make me happy.

The job market sucks right now! I really shouldn't complain because I have a job and am making a decent living.

Photography can be so gratifying! I'd love to see your work.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 27, 2010 5:07 pm

I guess I needed to vent too. I am very appreciative of what I have. And I'm grateful I'm not teaching. It always caused me a lot of anxiety. The most stressful times of my life... My adult life... Has been teaching. And as a photographer I get to be happy! I knew God brought me here for a reason. I was just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself.

I'm glad you have a good job. And I'm glad you're doing all you can to improve life for yourself and your kids.

I don't have a camera of my own (besides the onion my phone. I have some of my photos on another computer. Lots of landscape portraits.

Most of my photography has been at The Picture People and we aren't allowed to keep the photos. But they're super cute! There's actually gonna be an online vote on Facebook next month for the company's new face. There will be one photo from each studio in the nation. Look it up in September to see the type of photography we do.

I like to post on this site because it's not fair to unload ALL my fears and anxieties on my fiancé. He's really supportive but he doesn't get it. Once, he said, "if you were guy I'd just tell u to stop being a pussy and get over it." Yeah, I started crying. That's definitely not how to handle me!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 30, 2010 2:36 am

LOL! Oh men!

I LOVE PICTURE PEOPLE! I have my kids photo's taken there all the time.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 9:01 pm

Its a Battle of the Mind. Changing thought patterns are vital. Actually forcing yourself to think something good. I myself do this every day.....all I want to do is sleep. I have to move out of state, I am unemployed and have no family. Being alone is the worse thing when fighting something like this. You are blessed with a family around you. Having supportive people helping you out is so essential.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 01, 2010 7:54 am

I definitely thank God every day I have such support! I have tried to force myself to say nice things, but that negative part of me makes it feel so fake. Like every good thing I say is obviously a lie. I've spent so many years being negative, it's hard to believe something positive, you know?

I'm sorry you don't have family around. It'll be fun to move out of state though! I love moving to a new place! A change of scenery and routine always helps me. I've been averaging 5 years in one place before I want to move. I love finding a new apartment & new places to shop! But I hate finding a new job. And actually moving my stuff. We decided last time we moved we are definitely paying people to load and unload the truck. After last time we felt like we had just beat each other with bats for 3 days straight! I wish you luck in your new state. Find lots of new things to enjoy!