Posted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:45 am
Hello. I suffer from depression and anxiety. They work hand in hand for me. My story is a long one and I feel its necessary to tell it so that I may know what kind of situation I have myself in.
It was a struggle to get on here but I thought, something has to change. I have to do something. There's a little tiny flame inside me just waiting to burst into creativity and action. But most days it feels like its about to fizzle out. So here I am...
I thought I was getting a hold on this depression until my life went into upheaval since we moved...again. I thought we were making positive changes. I was excited and thrilled and completely anxious but at least not severely depressed.
We were moving from Florida back to Pennsylvania after having been in FL for 3 beautiful years. A stable income led us back up North as well as family and friends, or so I thought.
We had been trying to buy a home in FL before my husband received a job offer in PA. We said there is nothing that could pry us away from our beautiful sunny Florida but I guess money and stability and a hope for a better life can be very enticing. And it was. We moved to PA in Sept. 2009. We had been searching for a home to buy around my husbands work for many months. In the meantime, we stayed with a friend. That time was difficult from the start since my husband had a 3-4 hour a day commute to work. My daughter and I lost a lot of time with him during those months. On top of that, searching for the right home wasn't easy either. At 1 point we thought we had found something but after putting in an offer and waiting 5 months for it to all fall through was crushing. What's worse is that prior to the house hunting disappointments, my husband got some really bad news last winter. His father became very ill with colon cancer. They live in South Africa and we barely got to see them over the past 9 years. So, we borrowed money and went to South Africa. When we arrived it seemed as though his father was starting to do better. We got to spend some decent time with him even though it was in the hospital. Unfortunately, during our stay, I landed myself in the ER. I had a kidney stone blocking my kidney which was swelling and extremely painful. Btw, did you know that you have to pay up front before receiving any medical services in Johannesburg South Africa? even in ER? Well, you do. So I had to wait about a day with my kidney swelling before we scrounged up this money for me to get surgery. Meanwhile my father in law was just down the hall and here I am... A week prior to that, my 5 year old daughter had to go to the ER for a bad ear infection. So, here is my husband torn between caring for me and trying to spend time with his dieing father. I felt awful, scared, confused and in pain. I couldn't be there for my husband and daughter... and at the same time, I needed someone there for me.
So, it was time to go home but my husband decided to stay. I couldn't stay with having yet another kidney stone lurking in the other kidney. So, I went home after one of the most painful goodbyes I've ever experienced. My daughter literally clang to my husband. There we are trying to go through security in the airport and she's screaming and crying through the glass. She's reaching under the security walls to try to hold her father's hand... I've never seen her so upset. My heart broke into a million pieces. And we had to go because of me.
We made it home or back to our friend's house that we'd been staying with. Three days later, I get the call that my father in law passed away. I broke down. I couldn't stand that we can't even be there for my husband on the worst day of his life. He's in another country coping with his hardest times and we cannot be there for him and its killing me. On top of that, I'm spending most of my time with just my daughter and I. None of my family or friends came to be with me during that time. These people are suppose to care about me and they maybe called me a few times on the phone but that's it. So, I'm alone with exception of our friend we're staying with who is avoiding me because, I don't think he knows how to respond to an emotionally distressed human - which is fine.. whatever.. but still, I'm alone. My sister who was 15 minutes away didn't come to me and my other sister who it 30 minutes away didn't come for me. My best friend who was 20 minutes away only called occasionally. I began thinking what the hell is wrong with me that these people don't want to be around me? Am I too sad? Do I depress them? Am I talking about what's hurting me too much? I still can't figure it out. I've gone out of my way for them... I'm not mean or rude. I'm kind to them and very generous and caring. I just don't get it.
My husband finally came home after about 2 more weeks. We missed him dearly. He fills some of the holes in my heart and my daughter's. It was a tough couple of weeks with my daughter with her thinking she was never going to see her daddy again. But we got through it.
I forgot to mention that prior to going to South Africa, I had been attending an online college to get my BS in Health and Wellness. I had top grades, got honors and even made the Dean's list but because I hadn't been attending the college for at least a year, they wouldn't allow me any time to take off. So when I went to South Africa for my father in law, they booted me out. That was extremely disappointing as well.
Finally, after a winter and spring, emotions calmed a bit but the anxiety never went away. We had found a home in the winter, put an offer in on it like I mentioned before. Because it was a short sale, it took quite a bit of time and money for inspections and all that before we got an answer. Our offer was accepted. We put the offer in around March but lost the home in August (along with a few hundred dollars). We were preparing for settlement/closing when we realized our mortgage broker made some empty promises and couldn't deliver when the time came. That was another blow when we hadn't really recovered from our previous blows. We did eventually find a lovely home. It costs a little more than we wanted and my heart still aches a little when I pass the road that the other house was on. I'm trying to appreciate what we have - I really am. I don't want to be ungrateful. But have you ever had so many bad things happen in such a close time frame that it feels almost impossible to bounce back? I'm finding it SOOO DIFFICULT to think positive. I'm having such a hard time with trying not to expect another horrible disappointing heart-breaking occurrence to happen right around every corner. I'm afraid to get happy. I'm afraid of everything it seems. When I drop my daughter off at school, I have a little panic attack each day when I leave. I usually talk myself down but still, I don't want to feel like that at all. Sometimes it feels so real like something awful is going to happen. I ask myself is it my maternal intuition? Because they say sometimes mother's just know these things. So then I freak out even more... That's from the anxiety perspective.
But I'm not entirely done with my other story. Things were starting to calm down during the spring and summer like I said. But since my kidney stone, there's been one doctor after another. Also, something happened in the spring to my back. I don't know exactly what it was. I thought it was another kidney stone. The pain on the right never went away entirely. As it turns out, I keep getting cysts on my ovaries which also cause pain but they're still not the main culprit. My back was hurting so bad at one point that the only thing that relieved it was laying flat on a hard floor. I couldn't go 10 steps without having to lay down. So, now I was seeing a Urologists, GI Dr. (because the meds messed up my stomach), family dr. and now a Chiropractor - which I'm use to. I love Chiros. But I usually went to them for maintenance not chronic pain. After a couple months of back treatment, it started getting better but still, it was very depressing not being able to do the things I use to do like dancing or being mobile in general. I couldn't pick up my daughter much. But at least it was getting a better.... until I got rear-ended in the summer. I had to start all over again. Between the pain, the restrictions and the loneliness, I just kept feeling more and more like crap - less motivated, less energy, less will to do anything. My excitement for life is almost fizzled out. And its a shame because I use to be so creative and driven at one point in my life - before life happened, I guess.
So, here I am now. We moved into our new home which is 2 hours away from friends and family. Its been almost 3 months and we've had 3 visitors. I haven't had any other close human interaction with people other than my husband and daughter. I don't know anyone here and because of my back, I can't travel to visit anyone and nobody wants to travel to see me. Its just me, my daughter and my husband. My anxiety and depression is controlling my social interactions. I've been out of the social scene for so long that I don't even know what to do, or what to say or how to act. Many days, I don't have the energy or will to get dressed and go out. And when I try, I think of how much weight I've gained from not being able to be as mobile and how unattractive and insecure I feel all the time. I can't face people while feeling like that. My clothes don't even fit anymore. I don't have the money to buy more. I feel like I don't have what it takes to get back on that horse and keep trying. And after all that's happened last year, my mind and heart have made a habit out of expecting bad things to happen. There's always a feeling of caution and impending doom and just the lack of will to try. How do I make that go away after all that's happened?
It was a struggle to get on here but I thought, something has to change. I have to do something. There's a little tiny flame inside me just waiting to burst into creativity and action. But most days it feels like its about to fizzle out. So here I am...
I thought I was getting a hold on this depression until my life went into upheaval since we moved...again. I thought we were making positive changes. I was excited and thrilled and completely anxious but at least not severely depressed.
We were moving from Florida back to Pennsylvania after having been in FL for 3 beautiful years. A stable income led us back up North as well as family and friends, or so I thought.
We had been trying to buy a home in FL before my husband received a job offer in PA. We said there is nothing that could pry us away from our beautiful sunny Florida but I guess money and stability and a hope for a better life can be very enticing. And it was. We moved to PA in Sept. 2009. We had been searching for a home to buy around my husbands work for many months. In the meantime, we stayed with a friend. That time was difficult from the start since my husband had a 3-4 hour a day commute to work. My daughter and I lost a lot of time with him during those months. On top of that, searching for the right home wasn't easy either. At 1 point we thought we had found something but after putting in an offer and waiting 5 months for it to all fall through was crushing. What's worse is that prior to the house hunting disappointments, my husband got some really bad news last winter. His father became very ill with colon cancer. They live in South Africa and we barely got to see them over the past 9 years. So, we borrowed money and went to South Africa. When we arrived it seemed as though his father was starting to do better. We got to spend some decent time with him even though it was in the hospital. Unfortunately, during our stay, I landed myself in the ER. I had a kidney stone blocking my kidney which was swelling and extremely painful. Btw, did you know that you have to pay up front before receiving any medical services in Johannesburg South Africa? even in ER? Well, you do. So I had to wait about a day with my kidney swelling before we scrounged up this money for me to get surgery. Meanwhile my father in law was just down the hall and here I am... A week prior to that, my 5 year old daughter had to go to the ER for a bad ear infection. So, here is my husband torn between caring for me and trying to spend time with his dieing father. I felt awful, scared, confused and in pain. I couldn't be there for my husband and daughter... and at the same time, I needed someone there for me.
So, it was time to go home but my husband decided to stay. I couldn't stay with having yet another kidney stone lurking in the other kidney. So, I went home after one of the most painful goodbyes I've ever experienced. My daughter literally clang to my husband. There we are trying to go through security in the airport and she's screaming and crying through the glass. She's reaching under the security walls to try to hold her father's hand... I've never seen her so upset. My heart broke into a million pieces. And we had to go because of me.
We made it home or back to our friend's house that we'd been staying with. Three days later, I get the call that my father in law passed away. I broke down. I couldn't stand that we can't even be there for my husband on the worst day of his life. He's in another country coping with his hardest times and we cannot be there for him and its killing me. On top of that, I'm spending most of my time with just my daughter and I. None of my family or friends came to be with me during that time. These people are suppose to care about me and they maybe called me a few times on the phone but that's it. So, I'm alone with exception of our friend we're staying with who is avoiding me because, I don't think he knows how to respond to an emotionally distressed human - which is fine.. whatever.. but still, I'm alone. My sister who was 15 minutes away didn't come to me and my other sister who it 30 minutes away didn't come for me. My best friend who was 20 minutes away only called occasionally. I began thinking what the hell is wrong with me that these people don't want to be around me? Am I too sad? Do I depress them? Am I talking about what's hurting me too much? I still can't figure it out. I've gone out of my way for them... I'm not mean or rude. I'm kind to them and very generous and caring. I just don't get it.
My husband finally came home after about 2 more weeks. We missed him dearly. He fills some of the holes in my heart and my daughter's. It was a tough couple of weeks with my daughter with her thinking she was never going to see her daddy again. But we got through it.
I forgot to mention that prior to going to South Africa, I had been attending an online college to get my BS in Health and Wellness. I had top grades, got honors and even made the Dean's list but because I hadn't been attending the college for at least a year, they wouldn't allow me any time to take off. So when I went to South Africa for my father in law, they booted me out. That was extremely disappointing as well.
Finally, after a winter and spring, emotions calmed a bit but the anxiety never went away. We had found a home in the winter, put an offer in on it like I mentioned before. Because it was a short sale, it took quite a bit of time and money for inspections and all that before we got an answer. Our offer was accepted. We put the offer in around March but lost the home in August (along with a few hundred dollars). We were preparing for settlement/closing when we realized our mortgage broker made some empty promises and couldn't deliver when the time came. That was another blow when we hadn't really recovered from our previous blows. We did eventually find a lovely home. It costs a little more than we wanted and my heart still aches a little when I pass the road that the other house was on. I'm trying to appreciate what we have - I really am. I don't want to be ungrateful. But have you ever had so many bad things happen in such a close time frame that it feels almost impossible to bounce back? I'm finding it SOOO DIFFICULT to think positive. I'm having such a hard time with trying not to expect another horrible disappointing heart-breaking occurrence to happen right around every corner. I'm afraid to get happy. I'm afraid of everything it seems. When I drop my daughter off at school, I have a little panic attack each day when I leave. I usually talk myself down but still, I don't want to feel like that at all. Sometimes it feels so real like something awful is going to happen. I ask myself is it my maternal intuition? Because they say sometimes mother's just know these things. So then I freak out even more... That's from the anxiety perspective.
But I'm not entirely done with my other story. Things were starting to calm down during the spring and summer like I said. But since my kidney stone, there's been one doctor after another. Also, something happened in the spring to my back. I don't know exactly what it was. I thought it was another kidney stone. The pain on the right never went away entirely. As it turns out, I keep getting cysts on my ovaries which also cause pain but they're still not the main culprit. My back was hurting so bad at one point that the only thing that relieved it was laying flat on a hard floor. I couldn't go 10 steps without having to lay down. So, now I was seeing a Urologists, GI Dr. (because the meds messed up my stomach), family dr. and now a Chiropractor - which I'm use to. I love Chiros. But I usually went to them for maintenance not chronic pain. After a couple months of back treatment, it started getting better but still, it was very depressing not being able to do the things I use to do like dancing or being mobile in general. I couldn't pick up my daughter much. But at least it was getting a better.... until I got rear-ended in the summer. I had to start all over again. Between the pain, the restrictions and the loneliness, I just kept feeling more and more like crap - less motivated, less energy, less will to do anything. My excitement for life is almost fizzled out. And its a shame because I use to be so creative and driven at one point in my life - before life happened, I guess.
So, here I am now. We moved into our new home which is 2 hours away from friends and family. Its been almost 3 months and we've had 3 visitors. I haven't had any other close human interaction with people other than my husband and daughter. I don't know anyone here and because of my back, I can't travel to visit anyone and nobody wants to travel to see me. Its just me, my daughter and my husband. My anxiety and depression is controlling my social interactions. I've been out of the social scene for so long that I don't even know what to do, or what to say or how to act. Many days, I don't have the energy or will to get dressed and go out. And when I try, I think of how much weight I've gained from not being able to be as mobile and how unattractive and insecure I feel all the time. I can't face people while feeling like that. My clothes don't even fit anymore. I don't have the money to buy more. I feel like I don't have what it takes to get back on that horse and keep trying. And after all that's happened last year, my mind and heart have made a habit out of expecting bad things to happen. There's always a feeling of caution and impending doom and just the lack of will to try. How do I make that go away after all that's happened?
I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading your story...I'll respond after I finish it. BeBack! P.
I know what you mean on wanting to snack on those yummy foods! I do too! But I can tell a difference in my anxiety symptoms. I'm weaning off of Remeron because its side effect is that it causes me to be hungry! And this is a med that is suppose to help you sleep, which I didn't need because I have Restoril. 