New here but not to Depression

[MsKye]

Hello. I suffer from depression and anxiety. They work hand in hand for me. My story is a long one and I feel its necessary to tell it so that I may know what kind of situation I have myself in.
It was a struggle to get on here but I thought, something has to change. I have to do something. There's a little tiny flame inside me just waiting to burst into creativity and action. But most days it feels like its about to fizzle out. So here I am...
I thought I was getting a hold on this depression until my life went into upheaval since we moved...again. I thought we were making positive changes. I was excited and thrilled and completely anxious but at least not severely depressed.
We were moving from Florida back to Pennsylvania after having been in FL for 3 beautiful years. A stable income led us back up North as well as family and friends, or so I thought.
We had been trying to buy a home in FL before my husband received a job offer in PA. We said there is nothing that could pry us away from our beautiful sunny Florida but I guess money and stability and a hope for a better life can be very enticing. And it was. We moved to PA in Sept. 2009. We had been searching for a home to buy around my husbands work for many months. In the meantime, we stayed with a friend. That time was difficult from the start since my husband had a 3-4 hour a day commute to work. My daughter and I lost a lot of time with him during those months. On top of that, searching for the right home wasn't easy either. At 1 point we thought we had found something but after putting in an offer and waiting 5 months for it to all fall through was crushing. What's worse is that prior to the house hunting disappointments, my husband got some really bad news last winter. His father became very ill with colon cancer. They live in South Africa and we barely got to see them over the past 9 years. So, we borrowed money and went to South Africa. When we arrived it seemed as though his father was starting to do better. We got to spend some decent time with him even though it was in the hospital. Unfortunately, during our stay, I landed myself in the ER. I had a kidney stone blocking my kidney which was swelling and extremely painful. Btw, did you know that you have to pay up front before receiving any medical services in Johannesburg South Africa? even in ER? Well, you do. So I had to wait about a day with my kidney swelling before we scrounged up this money for me to get surgery. Meanwhile my father in law was just down the hall and here I am... A week prior to that, my 5 year old daughter had to go to the ER for a bad ear infection. So, here is my husband torn between caring for me and trying to spend time with his dieing father. I felt awful, scared, confused and in pain. I couldn't be there for my husband and daughter... and at the same time, I needed someone there for me.
So, it was time to go home but my husband decided to stay. I couldn't stay with having yet another kidney stone lurking in the other kidney. So, I went home after one of the most painful goodbyes I've ever experienced. My daughter literally clang to my husband. There we are trying to go through security in the airport and she's screaming and crying through the glass. She's reaching under the security walls to try to hold her father's hand... I've never seen her so upset. My heart broke into a million pieces. And we had to go because of me.

We made it home or back to our friend's house that we'd been staying with. Three days later, I get the call that my father in law passed away. I broke down. I couldn't stand that we can't even be there for my husband on the worst day of his life. He's in another country coping with his hardest times and we cannot be there for him and its killing me. On top of that, I'm spending most of my time with just my daughter and I. None of my family or friends came to be with me during that time. These people are suppose to care about me and they maybe called me a few times on the phone but that's it. So, I'm alone with exception of our friend we're staying with who is avoiding me because, I don't think he knows how to respond to an emotionally distressed human - which is fine.. whatever.. but still, I'm alone. My sister who was 15 minutes away didn't come to me and my other sister who it 30 minutes away didn't come for me. My best friend who was 20 minutes away only called occasionally. I began thinking what the hell is wrong with me that these people don't want to be around me? Am I too sad? Do I depress them? Am I talking about what's hurting me too much? I still can't figure it out. I've gone out of my way for them... I'm not mean or rude. I'm kind to them and very generous and caring. I just don't get it.

My husband finally came home after about 2 more weeks. We missed him dearly. He fills some of the holes in my heart and my daughter's. It was a tough couple of weeks with my daughter with her thinking she was never going to see her daddy again. But we got through it.

I forgot to mention that prior to going to South Africa, I had been attending an online college to get my BS in Health and Wellness. I had top grades, got honors and even made the Dean's list but because I hadn't been attending the college for at least a year, they wouldn't allow me any time to take off. So when I went to South Africa for my father in law, they booted me out. That was extremely disappointing as well.

Finally, after a winter and spring, emotions calmed a bit but the anxiety never went away. We had found a home in the winter, put an offer in on it like I mentioned before. Because it was a short sale, it took quite a bit of time and money for inspections and all that before we got an answer. Our offer was accepted. We put the offer in around March but lost the home in August (along with a few hundred dollars). We were preparing for settlement/closing when we realized our mortgage broker made some empty promises and couldn't deliver when the time came. That was another blow when we hadn't really recovered from our previous blows. We did eventually find a lovely home. It costs a little more than we wanted and my heart still aches a little when I pass the road that the other house was on. I'm trying to appreciate what we have - I really am. I don't want to be ungrateful. But have you ever had so many bad things happen in such a close time frame that it feels almost impossible to bounce back? I'm finding it SOOO DIFFICULT to think positive. I'm having such a hard time with trying not to expect another horrible disappointing heart-breaking occurrence to happen right around every corner. I'm afraid to get happy. I'm afraid of everything it seems. When I drop my daughter off at school, I have a little panic attack each day when I leave. I usually talk myself down but still, I don't want to feel like that at all. Sometimes it feels so real like something awful is going to happen. I ask myself is it my maternal intuition? Because they say sometimes mother's just know these things. So then I freak out even more... That's from the anxiety perspective.
But I'm not entirely done with my other story. Things were starting to calm down during the spring and summer like I said. But since my kidney stone, there's been one doctor after another. Also, something happened in the spring to my back. I don't know exactly what it was. I thought it was another kidney stone. The pain on the right never went away entirely. As it turns out, I keep getting cysts on my ovaries which also cause pain but they're still not the main culprit. My back was hurting so bad at one point that the only thing that relieved it was laying flat on a hard floor. I couldn't go 10 steps without having to lay down. So, now I was seeing a Urologists, GI Dr. (because the meds messed up my stomach), family dr. and now a Chiropractor - which I'm use to. I love Chiros. But I usually went to them for maintenance not chronic pain. After a couple months of back treatment, it started getting better but still, it was very depressing not being able to do the things I use to do like dancing or being mobile in general. I couldn't pick up my daughter much. But at least it was getting a better.... until I got rear-ended in the summer. I had to start all over again. Between the pain, the restrictions and the loneliness, I just kept feeling more and more like crap - less motivated, less energy, less will to do anything. My excitement for life is almost fizzled out. And its a shame because I use to be so creative and driven at one point in my life - before life happened, I guess.

So, here I am now. We moved into our new home which is 2 hours away from friends and family. Its been almost 3 months and we've had 3 visitors. I haven't had any other close human interaction with people other than my husband and daughter. I don't know anyone here and because of my back, I can't travel to visit anyone and nobody wants to travel to see me. Its just me, my daughter and my husband. My anxiety and depression is controlling my social interactions. I've been out of the social scene for so long that I don't even know what to do, or what to say or how to act. Many days, I don't have the energy or will to get dressed and go out. And when I try, I think of how much weight I've gained from not being able to be as mobile and how unattractive and insecure I feel all the time. I can't face people while feeling like that. My clothes don't even fit anymore. I don't have the money to buy more. I feel like I don't have what it takes to get back on that horse and keep trying. And after all that's happened last year, my mind and heart have made a habit out of expecting bad things to happen. There's always a feeling of caution and impending doom and just the lack of will to try. How do I make that go away after all that's happened?

[Paisleegreen]

Hi I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading your story...I'll respond after I finish it. BeBack! P.
Hi again, MS Skye--I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. I've gone through pretty much the same experiences you have, but in a different time period and area. I've lost loved ones, lost houses or businesses, friends, unexpected surgeries, gained weight, lost jobs, etc. It is all about living life, and it is hard.

Now since both of us are here for our anxiety or depression or feelings of sadness, etc. Let's set some goals. One goal that we can work together on is getting dressed in the morning and walking if feasible around the block or down the street or just around your house.

I know you live in snow country, so are you able to go to a health club or store mall to walk in. Are you able to go swimming somewhere or walk on a treadmill.

How about an exercise step, such as Step Aerobics? I have one of those and I have stairs in my house and I have room to just do some aerobics in my house.

Next, how are your eating habits? Are you eating healthy or do you think you are getting too much sugar and caffeine in your diet and no protein and vegetables.

I'll let you answer. Also another thing to help w/gloominess is an OTT Lamp. It has the full spectrum of ultraviolet light similar to the sun's rays, but not burning. It helps with depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder; S.A.D.

How far are you in your schooling? Did you get any credit for any college classes that you took? My question is are you considered a Freshman still?
Okay I'll wait for your response. Paislee

[MsKye]

Hi Paislee. Thanks for responding.
My options are pretty limited at the moment. Right now I'm trying to work through physical therapy for my back. I'm not really suppose to do any exercises other than what they prescribe which sucks because I enjoyed taking belly dancing classes and going out dancing.

I don't eat well. I'm an emotional eater and since I've moved, its the worst its ever been. I can't seem to stop eating... I'm sure my intake of simple carbs well exceeds the limit. Also, I'm a coffee drinker 1-3 cups a day. I can't really get myself going without it. And even then it doesn't help sometimes. I would like to stop except I'm prone to migraines and I'm avoiding the withdrawal migraines. I generally get enough veggies and protein in my diet. Its just that I can't seem to control myself with simple carbs - chips, chocolate, etc.

Are OTT lamps expensive because I don't have too much $ to work with?

As for my schooling, I was considered to have "dropped out" because they wouldn't let me take a leave of absence for my father in law because I wasn't there long enough. I do not want to go back to that school anyway but I did find another that I'm interested in. However, I'm not going to enroll until I can prove to myself that I can at least get through this Stress Center program. If I can't do this, then I know I won't make it through further education.

I can set a goal to get dressed every day. I do shower everyday. I just stay in my pj's or house clothes. Its more comfortable since my nicer clothes don't really fit well anymore. I practically live in the 3 pairs of yoga pants that I own.

I guess that's all. Thanks again for responding.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi MsSkye--I'm glad you responded, by answering my questions that helps me to know what your limitations are.

OTT lamps are inexpensive if they are the smaller ones. And they have comparable ones out there these days. I have ones that are on a stand and have a goose neck. I also have one that can sit on your desk and another that can be attached to a shelf over a desk or bed. It has a long arm.

You can probably find some light bulb at a store like Home Depot. When you start searching you'll start to find that they show up everywhere!

They showed on Dr OZ how his assistant weaned off of cola drinks gradually. You might be able to find that episode online somewhere or at Dr OZ's website. He talks a lot about caffeine and its affects.

If you can trade your snack eating of chips (salt) and chocolate (sugar) to having tuna on toast or an egg on toast, with toast or scramble or sunnyside up, as the first thing to eat and even at night, you should find your cravings for them will be lessen.

I keep raw almonds handy to eat separately or add to my yogurt or ice cream cone treat. You'll find that you will start to lose some inches as you gradually eat less sugar and salt and eat more protein, fruit and veggies.

This will help you to feel better emotionally and physically. I really find that tuna or other types of fish, really make a difference. I use tuna for the convenience and I know what's in it. I put it on one slice of bread, instead of 2. So that eliminates at least one slice of bread, so that helps to cut back.

What exercises do you do for physical therapy? Do you get to use a whirlpool?
Just remember Baby steps, so that you don't get overwhelmed. It will all come together as you listen to the CDs and use the workbook. P.

[MsKye]

Hello Paislee,
THank you for the advice. Some of the stuff you suggested, I'm well aware of. I've taken college courses in Health and Wellness but do you think they tell you where to muster up some self control or self discipline? Nope... and that's the problem. I get this feeling that I can't explain right now like a craving but I think its more psychological. And the next thing you know, I'm shoving food in my mouth. I wonder around looking for something - anything to offer some sort of satisfaction and I'm so desperate for it that I can't really fight the simple but unhealthy pleasures. I quit smoking about 4 months ago and I realllllyyyy miss it. Smoking was my crutch. I didn't eat nearly as much with it. I'm glad that I quit. I don't want to end up with lung cancer or anything like that. But it looks like I'm replacing it with clogged arteries. I feel like I can't win.

As for my physical therapy, its pretty limited. The exercises they have me doing now are core strengthening - small leg lifts while laying down, small bridges and tensing the abdominal muscles. I'm finding that one or a combo of all of them is causing some pain. I would love to do something in a whirlpool or aquatic exercises but I haven't found a nearby place that offers that and I don't have the money for it anyway. I wonder if my insurance would cover something like that. My therapy is being covered under my car insurance since it was from a car accident. I'll have to look into that.

I have a question about the "workbooks". Is that the same as the guide book? My kit came with 3 folders of cd's and a Guidebook. I don't have any workbooks.

[Paisleegreen]

Well, congratulations on quitting smoking! Yippee! You Go Girl! I know what you mean on wanting to snack on those yummy foods! I do too! But I can tell a difference in my anxiety symptoms. I'm weaning off of Remeron because its side effect is that it causes me to be hungry! And this is a med that is suppose to help you sleep, which I didn't need because I have Restoril.

So I am down to 15 mgs from 37mgs, and I started this after I had experienced my first panic attack. I have more energy now, as Remeron's side effect is tiredness and blurry or tired vision. I do feel scary feelings the first night I went to just 15mgs w/o Beta Blockers, (I weaned myself off of those last August)

Anyway, I'm in a different boat than you, you aren't taking any anti-depressants so you are feeling a lot of sad and distressing feelings. You have definitely gone through the wringer in a short time. You are at the right place.

I just know that living in a cold snowy environment after coming from sunny FL can be difficult on top of your other problems. So don't let my questions upset you, I just have to ask so I know where you are at in your struggles.

It sounds like you are working on getting better the best you can. We're here for you. I'm here because I don't work outside of my home, only volunteer work. I'm pretty much an empty nester. My baby is in college, and I rarely see him during the day. So you can find me on here as long as my neck doesn't get sore or I'm working on other things.
P.S.--I've just heard others say "workbook" and sorry I keep calling you MsSkye!

[anita57]

hi mskye i understand totally how u feel i lost my husband 6 yrs ago and am still having a hard time with that - i now have a boyfriend and me him and my son moved from maryland to southern pa 6 mths ago and i do not know any one here and my daughter and grandchildren live in maryland about 1 1/2 hrs away - i only work 1 day a week - my boyfriend works night work so i do not see him much - my son is only so much company - i feel miserable also - we went thru a lot of house hunting also - waited for 1 for 6 months then lost it - short sale - did not want to move so far away from my daughter and grandchildren - i am trying to stick it out here with out just moving back to maryland, which is really not a option at this point - i am going to join weight watchers which will get me out and maybe meet some people in the area - i have a treadmill and other pieces of gym equipment in my house but cant get the motivation to use it - i just started using this program - hope is helps - and good luck to u

[MsKye]

Anita, I know how much of a challenge these things are. I wish they could sell will power or motivation in a bottle. But I think will power and motivation are side effects of happiness. Becoming readjusted all over again in a new home and new surroundings takes time. I wish there was a way to speed up the process. I think this community is a good start. At least we can have some kind of interaction with other people through here and its with people that can understand us better than others.

[MsKye]

Paislee,
I'm too afraid to take medications. I've tried one in the past called Buspar (spelling?) and I didn't like how it made me feel at all. Also, my sister tried anti-depressants and she said that they made her feel numb. I don't want to feel numb. Also, I've been hearing a lot about adverse reactions like thoughts of suicide. I don't really want to take any chances with that.

So, is your goal to wean yourself off of the meds? Or are you sharing with me how they helped you?

[Paisleegreen]

Hi MsKye--I'm weaning off of the Remeron I'm taking and hopefully will not go on any other type of anti-depressant. I went on Zoloft as the first one when I wasn't able to "get myself out of bed" and my legs started to have spasms.

I was under a lot of stress at the time and had many responsibilities. I didn't have a place like this to go to and my husband was gone a lot starting a new business and I was running a daycare out of my home. Anyway, at that time, I really felt I was in a deep, dark hole, and was very depressed. And pretty much didn't care to live anymore. But I wanted to so that I could raise my 5 children and be a comfort to my husband. That was my prayer...

Anyway, I made an appt to see a Dr and he asked me what was happening at home, when he couldn't find anything wrong with me. I burst into tears...he asked me if I knew any Therapists, I said, "Yes." since I use to work at a Psych Hospital. That's when I went to my first Psychiatrist and he put me on Zoloft.

It helped, but made me very mellow that I didn't even care if my 3 little sons were arguing in the next bedroom. So the Dr changed my prescription to something different.

Anyway, I had functioned fine without meds for most of my life, until I had was worn down from overdoing it and my father was putting a lot of mental stress on me at the time as well. It took me awhile to figure out that my body had enough of all the stresses I had endured and expectations of others.

I stopped the Daycare and the meds helped me to cope, besides some talk therapy. But now my children are grown, my parents have passed on, my kids are raised, except on is left at home and life if different for me.

I did go off of my anti-depressants gradually between a 2 year period, then was off completely, then I experienced my first panic attack which brings me here.

If you can deal with things w/o anti-depressants, then that would be great and I'm all for that. And that is why I'm weaning off the Remeron and working Lucinda's program as well as therapy. I only went on anti-depressants when I didn't feel like living anymore.

So that is the question...that people need to ask themselves. Which I don't see that you are at that state of mind. And I wasn't at that state of mind when I was put on Remeron, some young Physician Assistant felt I needed to go on it along with Beta Blockers to take care of my panic attacks and/or anxiety.

I was just experiencing hormonal changes along with lifestyle changes brought on by family conflict that caused my first panic attack. This was all a new feeling for me and I hadn't been on the anti-depressants I had been on for years that had smooth out these changes in lifestyle. They no longer were desirable to take with their side effects.

So I am now here working with my new found anxiety without the anti-depressants I'm use to. And so far, I'm doing okay. Sometimes things would be much easier if I were on them. But then I wouldn't address the problems that brought on the depression in the first place.
And that is really what needs to be done in my case, is finding out what is really troubling me.

Does this make any sense to you? Paislee