Week 2 anxiety worse-how do I hang on?

[Christina7116]

I would like to thank all of you kind people with my last posting. I felt like that I had REAL friends, not just friends who stare through your problems and act like they understand and want to help. I made my husband listen to the first lesson two days ago and I asked him what he thought. "Very educational" in a monotone voice. And that was it. Yes I felt hurt and then I thought that that was him and the way he reacts to things. He never elaborates. I was hoping/wishing that he would talk to me about it, but to be totally honest, I don't think he would have said a thing if I didn't ask him about it. Then I got a little peaved and he got the vibe I was mad at him. Even though this is his way, I thought that somewhere, somtime a lightbulb would go off and live happily ever after etc. But I do know there is no such thing as happily ever after. He is a good man, provides with all of our needs and works dozens of hours a week. Any way....
While listening to Lucinda and the people in the groups talk...I feel like they are marking off my list of how I feel. They describe me to a "T". But why do I feel more anxious. What am I not doing right? I know one thing is the relaxation cd. But why do I still feel like I am going out of control, I want to scream out loud that I am going crazy and that I need to be put out of my misery? I carry a lot of guilt around. My main one is my husband and not being able to be around him. My anxiety is under control until he walks in or comes home from work. I can't let him hug me or I feel like I am going to hyperventalate. We have not had intimate relations for many, many months. He sometimes walks around the house like a zombie, a sad zombie. I know that I need to focus on me, but it is me that is affecting him to a certain degree.
I am in school again and writing this on my break. My anxiety seems to be worse and more often. I am trying to walk in the mornings with a neighbor, but as soon as I walk in the house....it is empty and lonely and wish that I could just for once see the glory of a normal day. To have that to hold on to. I know that the classes I take add to the stress and anxiety because one class is very hard and I have to be around people, much younger than I, and I am afraid of bursting out into tears in front of these people. I already have in front of my teachers. I have had to utilize the programs here at school to accomodate ADHD w/o hyperactivity with different tests or to let me use my notes to do tests. Right now I am waiting on my stats test. It took me 3 hours to finish and only an hour for the rest of the class. I don't mind been given the extra privilege of using my notes, but when that doesn't even help, you start worrying if you are going to be able to graduate...ever. sorry to be so jibber jabbery. thanks to anyone who posts. Christina

[Guest]

Well for starters when you start to deal with things (anxity/panic)you are going to feel worse at first. You are staring it in the face, for a lack of better words. Just keep telling yourself I know what this is. Its just panic/anxiety. It can't hurt me. I am stronger than it is. (You Are, one of my favorite sayings is: Who else could stare fear in the face on a daily basis and still keep going. Someone with panic/anxiety) It will get easier in time and I do believe that Lucinda tells us we will take two steps forward and one step back at times. Its OK your still going forward even then. I know its hard but you can do this. Remember to tell yourself you can. and think positive thoughts.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about your husband. Do you get anxious around him because he doesn't understand and everything to him is black and white or is it something else. I also have a boyfriend of 7 1/2 years who doesn't understand. If you would like you can PM me and we can talk more. REMEBER YOU ARE STRONG YOU CAN DO THIS AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU SET YOUR MIND TO. I BELEIVE IN YOU.

[Guest]

When we change our thinking and our behavior, our whole biology changes. That's not always comfortable. And when we don't tow the same old line we always towed with those we are around all the time, they are often not very happy with us. Change is not easy. You are changing. It's a 15 week program (longer for some of us who had life crisis during the program). I believe there is a normal day, as you describe, in your near future. I wish you strength and courage, and I hope to see your graduation story when you finish Session 15. Best wishes.

[Guest]

Definitely dont give up! These emotions all get stirred up and you are bound to feel worse at first. Do use the relaxation tapes and dont skip anything if you can help it. The relaxation tape is one of the best tools. keep trying to use it. I put it on a walkman with earphones when I go to bed and clear my mind. It really does work. I usually fall asleep before it is finished. You have a lot on your plate at this time. Try not to take on any more. keep up with the program and do all that they recommend and it will help you. Dont give up. One thing I learned in the program is not to expect too much of yourself or others. The less you expect, the less you are disappointed and it takes some of the pressure off. Not everyone responds the same. Dont't expect your husband to react in a certain way. He is his own person. have him listen to the first tape and read the readings in the book directed at our support person. Give him time and he will begin to understand what is going on with you. Practice your deep breathing techniques and it will help you through anxious times at school. Keep going cause it will get better.

[~*schnauzermom*~]

hi Christina,
You will hang on, you just will, and then you'll be so proud of yourself that you did.
Keep telling yourself every day " I've only just started and it's OK that the anxiety is here right now, I'll get past this"
Baby steps.
I'll bet that hundreds of us, if not thousands, have experienced similar feelings and attitudes that you have right now with your husband.
When I was at my most anxious and feeling very desperate for some relief, believe me, I wasn't the most cuddly person in the world.
It's kind of like we don't feel we deserve the love and attention of our spouse -although at some level we don't consciously comprehend
the whole thing- and we push him/her away.
We actually punish ourselves emotionally because our anxiety gets in the way of giving back the love that's coming our way. And, --- we find things to pick on because we're so darn unhappy with ourselves and we start to expect miraculous, instant understanding from our spouses OR we start the routine of "nobody understands" nonsense. Yep, it happens and we all know it. We've been there.
Sort of like a little bird ( an unrealistic one) telling us to hold back, don't get too close, don't show that vulnerable side, oh my gosh that could mean you're weak or something.
Also try to remember, we tend to be perfectionists and that includes being this amazing, perfect spouse. Ya know, the "Stepford wife thing"
So, here we are, expecting ourselves to be this perfect human being and not living up to that expectation. BOOM. We crash and pull inside ourselves and block particular people out -with anger, avoidance and a myriad of other negative behavior patterns. Anxiety and depression.

Here's the good news. It's not like that anymore for me and it won't always be this way for you. I'm very cuddly now and can't wait to see my hubby and talk with him (most of the time .
We have a whole new relationship and are back to being best friends and more intimate. Still shocks the heck out of me now and then. And it's a good thing.

Pull out that #3 tape and listen to it every opportunity you have. Every week during the whole 15 weeks. Find some time during each week to listen to at least part of that session. It'll sink in eventually. You'll love yourself sometime not too long from now. You will.

Huge hugs to you.