Overcoming Negative Thoughts

MC Grace · Post by **MC Grace** » Sun Nov 30, 2008 2:36 pm

My father screamed at me the other night. I was embarassed

and hurt

. I hadn't done anything wrong, even--and had gone out of my way to help him enjoy the Thanksgiving weekend.
I have been using my skills, but part of me just wants to curl up in a ball. . . I am so angry.
I feel I should confront him. If I hadn't just decided to stay with (live with) for December, I wouldn't bother speaking to him at all

.
He hasn't acted like this or spoken like this in over two years. I didn't see this coming and I'm pretty well stunned.

Any thoughts?

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Lynnier · Post by **Lynnier** » Sun Nov 30, 2008 3:01 pm

It's hard when we're adults and our parents treat us like we're still small children. Like you, I have a parent who resides in the same place where I live. There are times when she screams at me for no reason, and despite everything I know, I want to scream back.
Last night, my boyfriend told me that I am focusing too much on the negative things she does and not on the positives.
Confronting him probably isn't the answer, just let it go and act as if nothing happened. If he brings it up, then discuss it, in a non confrontational way and ask him why he was so angry or frustrated. If the conversation must happen, have it come through with calm understanding and not angry words. It will be better for you that way.

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MC Grace · Post by **MC Grace** » Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:40 am

thanks for the feedback.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:35 am

I can certainly understand why you would have the feelings you are experiencing. You already know about how and why negative stuff festers in our own minds, but you are at a loss about what’s causing your dad to behave in these hurtful ways. I agree with the other advice here from Lynnier. I wonder how old your father is? He has had a lifetime of events and memories, and many of these include things he still suffers from. I’m not excusing anyone from bad behavior. I am hoping you can understand that his behavior is more a result of his internal experience than it is an effort to make you feel bad.
When people yell at me, or otherwise behave hurtfully toward me, and I am sure they don’t intentionally mean me harm, I practice silence and forgiveness. I remind myself they are suffering, and they are lashing out. I am nearby at the wrong time, and I get to be the one lashed at.
However, when someone behaves badly toward me and I am aware they do intend to behave this way, I tell them in the moment that I don’t deserve their behavior, and if they want to discuss something with me, we can do that. I practice not raising my voice, and not creating conflict. If they don’t respond, I sit down and wait for a few minutes. This allows the person time to reflect on their own behavior. Sometimes that few minutes, allowing them self reflection, is all it takes, and an apology results. If the person remains quiet after a few minutes, I smile, stand, and leave.
Arguments and conflict are never good end results (for me). Whether I am the one who needs to reflect, or the other party needs to reflect, I believe bad behavior often resolves when we illuminate it in a quiet manner.
I hope this resolves. I hope your father is not suffering from old wounds and memories. And I hope you can both have a peaceful month of December.

MC Grace · Post by **MC Grace** » Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:30 pm

thanks for responding, pecos. because despite the support and advice and my efforts and prayer I've still been at a bit of a loss.

my dad is older. mostly fit and active--but much older than me(he doesn't like us to say exactly how old).

what i think was scariest was that i saw him change before my eyes--maybe a psychotic break of some sort. maybe i'm even more sad than angry. i found myself wondering if it was a "multiple personality" thing. . .

i am definately thankful for all of your advice, and especially about trying to resolve things in the moment. my meager experience with men has taught me that that can be helpful. (generally, i think, they don't have the long term memory for such offenses.)

the thing is: i wanted to keep quiet. and i was calm for awhile. i am proud of myself for that. but then he kept raising his voice more and more and it seemed he was trying harder and harder to rattle me--and while i kept my voice even--i raised my voice to--explaining that i didn't know what he was refering to and asking why he was being so mean.

now, my guard is really up. i walk around the house as i do the toughest streets of nyc.

my heart is broken. just the other day we had such a nice repore. i was cautiously hopeful: but i'm afraid my caution wasn't great enough.

Stock Lady · Post by **Stock Lady** » Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:52 pm

When I graduated from a prestigous university and my first job didn't work out I moved home. I got a job as a restaurant hostess. Every night my father would come home from work and yell at me. I think he was frustrated and disappointed that I didn't have a good job. He didn't have the opportunity to go to college. I call his problem displaced aggression. Maybe he likes his own space. Can you shorten your visit? Keep being patient, don't yell back, if you have to ,or can, leave. Pat yourself on the back everytime you refuse to react to his aggression.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:57 am

No, I really don't believe your father has a multiple personality disorder. Those show up early in life, and are not overlooked by family. I'm sure sorry to hear you are now on "alert" to avoid his outbursts. Has your father had a thorough physical exam lately, say, in the past few months? If he was my dad, I'd be taking him to the doctor myself. There are an infinite number of reasons for older people's behavior to suddenly change. Many of those reasons are physical.
When all physical reasons are ruled out, sitting and conversing is the best route to understanding. And if that fails, you've done the best you can. And, as Stock Lady says, he might simply want his private space back. Don't try to read his mind. Do ask in the moment when you can. I hope this works out.