Support circle for depression

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Sat Jan 01, 2011 3:18 am

I sincerely wish everyone here a better New Year, filled with days that step you, one at a time, into a new environment for your brain. If you want to know where some of us used to be, go back to the beginning of this post and read forward. Life was like standing in a static circle, nothing coming in, nothing going out, and all mobility rested at zero. This program is not the do all, end all, to your recovery, but it is one of the most useful programs you will ever find, filled with skills and tools you'll utilize for the rest of your life. These posts are also filled with stories and examples of problems-to-solutions. Find a particularly helpful post from years earlier, and read it through. Links provided might be as good as gold for you. Stories might flick on a light for you. You have many, many sources to help keep you moving along. Best to each of you, and I wish you a remarkable recovery.

joy jenkins · Post by **joy jenkins** » Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:07 pm

Hi everyone, this is joy jenkins again. I feel I just have to vent so hope you don't mind if I go on too long. I am so happy the holidays are over. They have been terribly difficult for me. I have been alone most of the time, often by choice. I don't understand what is going on with me. I don't like getting older but feel I could help myself much more than I do. I am just hiding away in my tiny apt, usually in bed trying to sleep. I am having trouble keeping myself clean and worry I will end up a dirty, smelly old lady. I am71 now. I have always been so meticulous, can't believe this is happening to me. I have had an interesting life, worked all my life and travelled quite extensively. Now I haven't even got a passport.I feel my energy and motivation levels are about 2. I truly worry where I am headed. I see a psychiatrist and take clonazapam for anxiety and prozac for depression, but really wonder whether the prozac is doing anything at all. I am so disappointed in myself, I could still be travelling but it is so hard to even pack a bag! I could go on and on but will close now and hope you have had the patience to read this far. Pecos, I am sure I remember you from when I was doing the program before.
Sincerely, JoyJenkins, Toronto, Canada

nerveball · Post by **nerveball** » Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:10 pm

Hi Joy. I'm in no way suggesting that this is what you need but just giving you another option to think about. Where I live they have day hospitals where you go in each day in the morning and have group and occupational therapy as well as one on one counseling. It's supposed to be for if you're teetering between functioning and non functional and you need a little temporary burst of structure and pick me up as opposed to being an inpatient. I was kinda pushed into doing it after my last hospitalization but once there they were actually totally into cognative therapy. It helped a lot. After i got out though I had noone to help coach me on and I stopped practicing it. When I started going down hill though I said I am not going to repeat this cycle over and over any more. That's when I decided to try the program. Hey it was less then the hospital bills. Boy did I make the right move.I have the DVD's that I can listen to whenever I want and I have these forums so that I can communicate with others that are going through and have gone through and get some ideas from them. The day hospital did plant the seed though because I was in a rut that I couldn't shake myself out of. Kind of like what you describe. All hospitals are not the same though. In fact out of all that I have been in that one was the only one like it. So I guess if your someone is going to do it then it pays to do research to see just what the hospital offers. I know that's hard to do when you're balled up in the corner of the bed and depressed as hell. But the internet might help with that. But anyway like I said before this is a not a suggestion for you to do but just something to think about. I know that the more I stayed in my room in the dark the more negative and harmful thoughts went through my mind. I'm glad that now I know not to give in to them though. I hope you do too. From someone who cares.

Molly77 · Post by **Molly77** » Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:42 am

eerg..sometimes I just feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. This just wears me out some days trying to fight the negative...how do you folks get through days like this?

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Mon Jan 03, 2011 10:15 am

Hi Molly and Joy and others...

Happy New Year! I was sick New Year's Day and yesterday, not feeling too perky today as well. I'm might go back to bed as I feel weak. But I wanted to respond and get some sunlight while the sun is shining near my computer.

Joy--Wow, you are doing great for begin 71!

I'm serious. I'm 56 and feeling afraid of turning a year older. I'm sure its my anxiety and the short days talking. Or just the "change" in a woman's life. I'm feeling like staying in bed myself, I know partly because of the "bug" I've got. But I've done a lot of thinking and crying while I've been sick. So I don't know if that means I needed the time alone to just "grieve" my losses in life or the memories of better days...because right now it is taking faith that I will get better.

Joy, you say you live in Toronto, Canada. So it must be cold and snowy over there right now. Maybe the short cold days are keeping you sadder than usual. Do you speak French? While you had your passport, did you travel to France?

I think just by you writing to us about your worries, I think you will get better. I have a sister who is younger then you by a few years and she isn't taking anything to help her, she was too afraid to use Lucinda's CDs to help her out, so I have them now.

You don't need to worry as she is the person you think you will become, but she can't even use the computer, she is fearful having someone come in to her place to hook up the computer. She is cut off from the world except for the radio, she can't get TV except maybe going over to unacceptable neighbors.

But she doesn't have to live this way, she chooses it. She is very "afraid" and yet she functions, but not in a manner that my parents or my siblings consider the best way to live.

Eventually, she will be forced to live a more constructive lifestyle, but she is free to do what she wants, at this point. But if she would give up some of her fears, she could be living in a more comfortable place have a working vehicle.

Anyway, I hope you keep posting, I understand how packing a bag can be so difficult. Sometimes, during a depressed time period it is hard to do most anything. But at least you were able to get on the computer and post. That is good.

Paislee

nerveball · Post by **nerveball** » Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:37 pm

Hi everyone. Sometimes I get the impression that I am on a different wave length then the rest of the human race. In fact it seems as though maybe I'm not even human at all. Its like if I stay to myself I'm lonely as hell and if I try to fit in I'm still lonely cause once everyone notices how I really am they all back off. I feel a lot better since I started this program but apparently I'm still weirding people out. This sucks. Anyway I guess I'll just stand on the sidelines and listen and act like I know my place. I'm really glad that this program is helping you all though although it's helping faster for some than others. Hang in there. Things will get better. You are all human, even though I'm not.

AndrewG11 · Post by **AndrewG11** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 5:35 pm

and all this time, i thought i was the only non-human on this planet. darnit. i guess we have to share the title.

nerveball · Post by **nerveball** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 6:51 am

Hi Andrew. You made me smile. I guess when I overwork myself and get extremely tired it messes with me emotionally. I know that you are human. I guess I know that I am too, I just don't feel like it sometimes. I really don't want to fit in with everybody cause there are some people out there doing and saying things that I don't really want to be a part of. I just don't know how to find the people doing and saying the things that I am interested in. Christmas felt so good this year cause I was doing things for other people and feeling good because of it.Now I don't know what to do. People are actually questioning me about why I am being so nice to them and seem to be saying ok that's enough.I try to join in everyday conversations with them and they look at me like I'm crazy as if to say do you really think you are a part of this conversation. This is mainly my job and church that I'm talking about because thats the only places that I go. That's why I feel like I'm an alien. You sound like you are familiar with some of this, what do you think about it. Or anyone else who feels like offering some advice.

AndrewG11 · Post by **AndrewG11** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:29 pm

yeah i know what it feels like to be an alien. i'm trying my best to find my place in this world, and that's all i really want, my own space, where i can say, think, feel all my crazy thoughts. sometimes i feel like my place is locked up in my room with my music, but that's not good enough. it sounds to me like you're doing better than me in some ways, i have difficulty joining in on conversations, not because i don't have enough to say, but because sometimes my short circuited brain and emotions cut in and mess up what i'm trying to say. which is why it's nice to say things on here, haha. i find it really hard to be nice to people, cause i always feel like there messing with me, but my social circuits always force me to act nice and not to start any sort of drama, mainly cause i know i'm not strong enough to last. my whole life is this roller coaster drama, but it's like it's all hidden behind the curtain. nobody see's who i actually am and i'm afraid of showing it. who knows, maybe who i really am isn't as bad as i think, i just don't trust myself enough. ah well, i don't think i offered any good advice here, but maybe somebody can relate with something i said. that's what i like about this website, we're all creating this safe space where we can heal together off each others ideas and stories. or that's just how i see it at least. just because all the 'beautiful, nice, normal' people don't care to look our way and hear our voices, there shallow souls won't last anyhow. never give up your voice! namaste.

nerveball · Post by **nerveball** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 4:05 pm

Hi Andrew. We think a lot alike. And like you sometimes I'm scared to say what I think because I get all caught up in my mind before it comes out thinking well I'd better not say it this way because this one may not like it or I shouldn't say it that way cause that one might be mad at me or the other one might be offended and before you know it the conversation is over and they're talking about something else. Then I'm like dag why didn't I say something. My mind and my crazy thoughts get in my way alot. Its not that I'm too dumb to think of something to say I just talk myself out of saying it out of fear. That four letter word that I hate that had me immobilized for most of my life. Its better today but I have a long way to go. I'm finding so much stuff out about me since I've been in this program. Stuff that I'm not proud of and a few years ago would have crushed me. But I'm dealing with it now. Being able to talk to people and see that I am not alone and we can help each other here on this forum is really making a difference. We will get better. That's something that I couldn't say not too long ago. Thankyou for helping me along this journey.