Stress Center Peer Support

Once a month I get really bad anxiety. I usually obsess about my breathing and/or swallowing and its very intense for several days and than it slowly subsides and than BAM here come the depression. I find depression to be worse than anxiety. Don't get me wrong the anxiety I have is bad. . But depression scares me. Mostly because when i feel depressed I get my usual "what if i get so depressed or stay depressed forever and kill myself?!" And when i think this o get more depressed and panicky too because i don't want to be thinking this and i wouldn't do that! But than I think what if i become out of control and do that? ahhhh these thoughts make me feel morbid and I am not morbid. . at least i don't think so. i don't know. I doubt myself a lot. I never trust myself. I also have bad anticipation with my anxiety and depression. Iv had bad anxiety and depression before but never had the anticipation so it went away a whole lot faster. NOW i have anticipatory anxiety and depression and this is what must keep all this crap alive, right? How do i break the anticipation? How do i break this negativity? I mean even when i feel positive my mind will drown it with neg. thinking. its like my neg. thinking is automatic. seriously. I started the program in June and than stopped and i will start it up again today hopefully. I anticipate he worst always. i anticipate being anxious and/or depressed. . and why do i always feel depressed after i am anxious?? Why do i honestly think this will never go away no matter what i do? what a terrible neg. thought. I guess i feel since it hasn't gone away it never will. )-: can anyone relate?

Holly, you may have provided this information in another post, so forgive me asking if that is the case: How many times have you worked the program? I really truly believe you can master these steps and use these session tools every day for the rest of your life, and benefit greatly. There are no quick fixes, as you know, just basic hard day to day work. You know from my previous posts that I began this program in a state of very serious depression. I scored so far over and beyond the "serious" score, I might as well have been on my way to Jupiter in a hot air balloon. I began Session 9 today, and have brought my depression levels into a moderate range. Holly, you can do this, too. You're intelligent and you want to overcome these things that mess up your days. It's all about taking one thing at a time here. I am going to repeat the program when I finish, because I don't want to slide backwards (in case I need more practice with these tools).
What do you think, do you believe repeating it from the first session would help you?
By the way, Dr Fisher discusses your depression following anxiety very, very well in Session Two. Listen to that several times. That might help. It helped me.

I posted this website on a different site yesterday. It's about Dr. Aaron Beck, who began this idea that we do this to ourselves. If you can more deeply understand how this theory (CBT) works, you will have more faith in how this program can help you. <A HREF="http://www.candleinthedark.com/beck.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.candleinthedark.com/beck.html</A>