Stress Center Peer Support

I've been married now about 7 years to my husband who is originally from Egypt. The cultural difference was a little bit hard. It has been really hard with him because he never seems happy with anything I do. Four years ago her he was thinking of divorcing me and said he didn't love me because I wasn't as attractive as I was when he first met me because I gained some weight, and wasn't fixing myself up or dressing like I used to for religious reasons. He wanted me to look good like the beautiful women he works with and sees in the mall. Her hurt me deep. Thank a year ago, because of the medicine he was taking, he asked me to look "hot" like the women he sees, than he asked for for a divorce. Now he mentioned it again, because I spent lot's of money last year. I'm so depressed. We talked and he seemed to forgive me, but now he is very cold with me and only talks to me if he has a question on a bill or he needs something. He blames everything on me. The past sever years that he's wasted with me. I did spend a lot of money and in the past I promised not to spend, but never the less a month ago we worked out a plan to address this, but he still is so cold with me. I don't know what to do. May be we shouldn't be together. Another thing to add is that we have been having trouble getting pregnant. I had a miscarriage and we were going through infertility treatments. It was two weeks before the Invitro procedurre and he found out about the money I was spending and called it all off, now he says he never wants a child with me. I am so anxious and depressed. I feel I need to leave my house and stay at my mom's house once again to escape all the negativity that is surrounding me in this house. It seems like my future is hopeless. Please help!

Of course, I want to give you the woman power speach right now because you don't deserve that treatment. But then the spiritual side comes to me telling you to speak to a pastor, friend someone that is a great listener. Pray about your marriage. God wants you to be happy and live a fullfilled life. No matter what size you are your husband should love you anyway. Also I dont want you to take this wrong but God has a plan for your life and it might not include children right now due to the circumstances. I hope all works out and keep praying.

Hi peaceandjoy7

I was married for 9 years to a man who sounds very similar to your husband -- it's soul-destroying. Let me put a thought out to you: he will never be happy and he will never see you as good enough. The parts of you and your life that he is unhappy about were the opposite for me in my marriage: I didn't put on weight, but my husband still criticized my body -- before we got married I was a goddess, and after we got married my breasts were too small, my butt was getting flabby, and so on. We have 2 wonderful children, but I could never keep them quiet enough or make them behave well enough for him, and sometimes he even told me that he didn't believe that they were his and he shouldn't have to spend his good money raising them...

There were times when he was delightful, of course, or I wouldn't have stayed with him for as long as I did, but for the most part he was malicious and hurtful and the focus of my life was to not upset him. Your excuses, "if I was as "hot" as other women" "if I could have children" "if I didn't spend money the way I do", and my excuses, "once he finds a job that he likes better" "once we move to where he wants to live" ... they are all just excuses we make up to try to justify behaviour we know is inexcusable.

As Lucinda says, we're givers and we're pleasers. And I'm guessing that the vows of marriage are as important to you as they are to me. It's wonderful that you care so deeply and are trying so hard to be the wife and partner you committed to being and to create the life you thought you were stepping into. But the price you are paying is so high: your self-esteem, your self-respect, your dreams -- you are giving up your happiness in an attempt to find his... is that really what you want?

Divorce and all that surrounds it is really frightening, but you can live with it being held above your head like a sword, or you can choose it because it is the only choice that will give you the opportunity for peace and joy in your life. I agree completely with Liz29 -- speak with someone you trust and who cares about you to help you decide what is best for you, your health, and your future. Ask yourself what it is that you truly want, and know that there is a life for you that doesn't have that black storm cloud of negativity weighing heavily in it.

Hello!
Listen to Travellor in above post!!!

I would not stay in this situation.
It is not a healthy one at all for you.
Run.

There is a time to run and a time to stay.
This is a time to run.
MJ

I agree, even if your husband moves on he will never find true happiness if he only looks on the outside. Nobody will measure up to his shallow standards.

I recommend watching the movie Fireproof together with your husband. We can all change, but we have to want to change.

It is a shame that the sanctity of marriage isn't always held up to the high standards that it deserves.

I am so sorry for what you are going through!! I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

What your husband doesn't realize is that he is the problem, not you. Being satisfied with a partner solely based upon looks is a deficiency, not a strength. What does he plan to do when he is 60 and beyond? How will he manage then? Have a cow everyday because of age? His thinking is distorted and out of touch with reality. The movie, "Shallow Hal" comes to mind.

He needs some counseling, big time. Yes, I would go to your Mother's. The guy is behaving like a jerk. He's blaming you for his own problems. I would question whether he loves you for you or whether he was merely infatuated with you based upon exterior looks. There is a huge difference. He's very immature, in my view. And I'm sorry to say it takes one to know one. [immaturity]

You have excellent smart advice from a group of really helpful and kind people here. Please listen to what they are telling you. Your husband is guilty of a form of mental emotional abuse. The courts will be on your side.

Thank you all for your advice, I am currently residing at my Mom's house because my husband continued on his cold treatment and said he thinks it would be best if I stay at my mom's house for a few weeks so he could have some time alone to think and maybe it would help. It will be a week ago tomorrow that he hasn't spoken to me. I am so depressed. Today when I came home from work I didn't want to do anything. I felt like running away and escaping to another state to leave my pain behind. I love my mom, but I'm
33 and I feel terrible like I'm a little girl again. Yesterday was Valentine's day and he never called. Today my mom called to speak with him and to see if he might call me and he said he would call me later to ask me about a bill. I don't feel like he loves me. This is what hurts so much. I want to feel he loves me, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I am in limbo now and I don't know what to do. Is he going to divorce me or not? How long will this situation go on? Will I ever have a life with him? Do I need to get my own place or leave the state? Please help.

Hi Lynn, there is no excuse for that kind of treatment. My wife and I have been married twenty two years and believe me we are not the spring chickens we were twenty years ago. Remember this, love comes from the inside not the outside. being of male gender no woman deserves that king of abuse. dump the pig !