Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:54 am
Sorry this will probably be long:
Everyday life just seems to be a struggle. I know there are alot of things that have brought on my depression and anxiety. For one - My family life was pretty disfunctional. I know my anxiety stems from this. We were pretty much kept prisoner in our own home because of my father. We were never alowed to do anything or go anywhere unless it was to get groceries or something. Dad would check the mileage on the car to make sure mom didn't go anywhere. We never socialized with anyone. Us kids could never stay at a friends house or vice versa. We didn't really celebrate holidays. I know my mom was deathly scared of dad - we all were. I never had any type of relationship with my dad nor did anyone else. I've only heard my dad say he loved me once and that was shortly after mom got the strength to leave him. Mom had brought us out to see him and as soon as we got out of the car he said some vulgar things to mom and threatened to shoot her if she didn't leave. But before we did he said, remember kids I do love you. But even that is just another bad memory. Dad was also an alcoholic. The only emotions we felt in that home was fear. He was very emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I think this is why I have such trouble being able to socialize or be comfortable meeting new people because I lack in that department. Of course there's alot more to the story of my childhood but that would be a book in its self.
Even after mom left dad and growing up - I've never really felt comfortable with myself. I always felt out of place. I had some friends but they were the wrong crowd. We were looked down upon because we didn't have money.
My mom got involved in a relationship with someone else and that wasn't much better. I had to constantly listen to them argue.
Then there were other things that have happened to me. I was malested at age 7 more then once and to this day I still feel hate and anger towards the people that did that to me. I remember trying to tell mom about what happened but she never did anything about it. Later on I had questioned her about it and she said she was afraid if she told my dad that he would kill the guy who did it.
Anyway I've been in a relationship for 12 years that has been really rocky the whole time. We have a 10 year old son. And right now history seems to be repeating itself. I always said I would never end up with someone who made me feel scared or emotionally drained. But here I am struggling to deal with it. We have had alot of issues together. And I'm to that point where I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. He is always making me feel like everything is my fault. He can be very hateful when we fight. One of his favorit things to do is to throw my past happenings in my face. He makes me feel bad because of the bad things that have happened to me - in other words mocks me about them. I feel bad because my son sees us fight. If I try to ignor a fight that just makes it worse and he gets even more angry.
About a month ago we got in a really horrible argument and he told me that I made him think about suicide. Does he really think of me as that horrible of a person? I know I haven't been perfect either but I would never say that to anybody. I don't know if he really meant it -you have to know him to understand why I would think that. So what do I do? I know he won't go to cousiling because that would mean spending money. And money is also a big issue between us. I know he won't listen to the Combatting Stress and Depression Program because he thinks there's nothing wrong with him. I've pretty much become home bound. I don't ever want to do anything or go anywhere. I'd sleep all day if I could. Then there's those days where I absolutely just feel numb. I'd rather just shut myself off from the world. And I really hate feeling like this and living like this.
I don't know if I really know how it feels to be truly happy. I'm so use to living with negativity. I'm only on session 2 of the program but I'm really having a hard time even focusing on that. And it's really hard to be positive with everything that is going on now. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening
Everyday life just seems to be a struggle. I know there are alot of things that have brought on my depression and anxiety. For one - My family life was pretty disfunctional. I know my anxiety stems from this. We were pretty much kept prisoner in our own home because of my father. We were never alowed to do anything or go anywhere unless it was to get groceries or something. Dad would check the mileage on the car to make sure mom didn't go anywhere. We never socialized with anyone. Us kids could never stay at a friends house or vice versa. We didn't really celebrate holidays. I know my mom was deathly scared of dad - we all were. I never had any type of relationship with my dad nor did anyone else. I've only heard my dad say he loved me once and that was shortly after mom got the strength to leave him. Mom had brought us out to see him and as soon as we got out of the car he said some vulgar things to mom and threatened to shoot her if she didn't leave. But before we did he said, remember kids I do love you. But even that is just another bad memory. Dad was also an alcoholic. The only emotions we felt in that home was fear. He was very emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I think this is why I have such trouble being able to socialize or be comfortable meeting new people because I lack in that department. Of course there's alot more to the story of my childhood but that would be a book in its self.
Even after mom left dad and growing up - I've never really felt comfortable with myself. I always felt out of place. I had some friends but they were the wrong crowd. We were looked down upon because we didn't have money.
My mom got involved in a relationship with someone else and that wasn't much better. I had to constantly listen to them argue.
Then there were other things that have happened to me. I was malested at age 7 more then once and to this day I still feel hate and anger towards the people that did that to me. I remember trying to tell mom about what happened but she never did anything about it. Later on I had questioned her about it and she said she was afraid if she told my dad that he would kill the guy who did it.
Anyway I've been in a relationship for 12 years that has been really rocky the whole time. We have a 10 year old son. And right now history seems to be repeating itself. I always said I would never end up with someone who made me feel scared or emotionally drained. But here I am struggling to deal with it. We have had alot of issues together. And I'm to that point where I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. He is always making me feel like everything is my fault. He can be very hateful when we fight. One of his favorit things to do is to throw my past happenings in my face. He makes me feel bad because of the bad things that have happened to me - in other words mocks me about them. I feel bad because my son sees us fight. If I try to ignor a fight that just makes it worse and he gets even more angry.
About a month ago we got in a really horrible argument and he told me that I made him think about suicide. Does he really think of me as that horrible of a person? I know I haven't been perfect either but I would never say that to anybody. I don't know if he really meant it -you have to know him to understand why I would think that. So what do I do? I know he won't go to cousiling because that would mean spending money. And money is also a big issue between us. I know he won't listen to the Combatting Stress and Depression Program because he thinks there's nothing wrong with him. I've pretty much become home bound. I don't ever want to do anything or go anywhere. I'd sleep all day if I could. Then there's those days where I absolutely just feel numb. I'd rather just shut myself off from the world. And I really hate feeling like this and living like this.
I don't know if I really know how it feels to be truly happy. I'm so use to living with negativity. I'm only on session 2 of the program but I'm really having a hard time even focusing on that. And it's really hard to be positive with everything that is going on now. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening