Stress Center Peer Support

I wanted to post this and get some incite...



Today, I was at the grocery store getting this weeks groceries AND the way I react to stress is different from many ppl.. I dont drink or smoke.. I do workout and take time to relax...

And I've studied that erectile dysfunction can occur with too much stress...

Well I must be an exception, b/c when I get stressed out I get very sexually-stimulated..

While shopping, I was constantly catching myself checking out women AND I would love to go up and talk to them, and I really need to, but when I'm anxious, although physically I'm there, my mental confidence is not there.. I'm so frozen I have no idea what to say...

It's like, when im not in the mood for woman, I can talk and attract them... But when I'm in the mood, I cant talk b/c I'm so nervous and not thinking straight.. I saw this girl bending over strapping her baby in the back seat, she had short white shorts, and I was so turned on by that.. At the last minute, I saw that she saw me through the side window... I dont really know what she thought, I'm hoping she understands I'm a man with feelings... Many of them sexual... But I'm not like most men, I have a romantic compassionate side... I just would want to have a g/f who is liberal with the relationship... That's what I would like to have for now... In the meantime, I'd be working on myself and my anxiety/depression issues...

What puzzles me as to the attraction between men and women... Women want a guy with confidence & security... My confidence comes and goes like the wind blows...

I have not had many g/f's in my life, I'm practically a virgin, although technically not.. and the technicality doesnt even count b/c I didnt even enjoy the experience for that matter..

My only way of coping with these sexual tensions and urges under stressful situations is to self-gratify (politically correct term)... And I dont mind this b/c it's normal healthy and natural... If I didnt have this, I dont know how I would get through life...

But for me, I desire sex when I get anxious or stressed... Although it's admirable that I would be willing to approach a woman and converse, I don't know how to do that in a way that communicates interest in a way that she could agree with or find interesting... Women, to me, nowadays demand too much from a 1st impression... We all know it's like a non-verbal thing we both agree on, (most woman I approach show interest non-verbally), but when I talk, they lose interest... So in a sense, I have to say what they want to hear to get intimate with them.. My definition of intimate here is nothing more than a phone # exchange and perhaps conversating over the phone getting to know each other and maybe going out sometime as friends..

Why is this so complicated? I have a master's degree and I still feel like the dumbbest guy when it comest to talking to women...

Most women I meet or approach have b/fs, etc etc...

Man I just dont know anymore...

I have got to be in the bottom 10% of men who have successful relationships with women...

And nowadays looks don't mean as much to women as they did maybe 10-20 years ago.. this is just my opinion... Being a competitive natural bodybuilder, I pretty much have to have a good body.. And that doesnt even help me just a little.. It's pretty much a level playing field, which I guess is good... Well it is.. But for me, it's not so good... I need all the help I can get.. And I just wish women appreciated a man's hard work maybe just a little more... Like thinking of a good body as a bonus, not a requirement...

I get the impression it doesn't even matter to them that I stay in shape... I see countless women fall for out of shape guys, heartless and bad-intentioned guys all the time.. Partcularly when im out on the weekends at bars or clubs...

Even where I work, I see how I lack the ability to carry a genuine-progressive conversation with a woman.. My conversation with woman is typically small-talk... Nothing progressive... Although deep down, I want it to be...

I'm really shy sometimes and that hurts me I guess...

Hello:

Simply put and not to address ALL of the issues presented in your post, what came to mind for me after reading it was this:

When we are stressed out and/or anxious, we want to feel better. We want to feel good. Some of us escape into a good book, some of us crave certain comfort foods. You get the picture.
It sounds reasonably normal, your reaction to stress. We seek pleasure. We seek distraction. Some of us self-medicate via all sorts of different venues; some healthy, some not so healthy. What you've discussed in your post may be as simple as that.

Be Well~

Shelby Faye

Dude, I feel your pain. I can relate to all of this except having a body builders body..lol I'm in training to be a persoanl trainer so we have more in common.
I find when I'm stressed and anxious, I get real sexual as well and very shy. I have my own view of a great body for a woman and I can spot one a mile away, I'm sure you know what I mean. My last few relationships go like this. High attraction, lots of flirting, going out, sex, lots of sex and somewhere down the line I get anxiety about the relationship and I end up leaving or getting dumped. I always go after the Body and not the person and I've finally learned my lesson. Like Shelby said, it could be a form of self medication of sorts. I'm very sexual most of the time regardless of how I feel. Great sex is one of the most pleasurable experiences I have found and in our anxious world, it's almost like a reward for us. You're right, Women dont always go after a perfect body either, I dont have one and I've dated plenty of hot women. All it takes is some funny mixed with confidence and flirting and i believe that goes for both men and women. We're so tuned into being frustrated about not being able to flirt and that is why we most likely can't. I guess this is where we need to say " how can I do this " instead of
" why cant I do this ".

hi Shelby... Yes u are right... We seek pleasure/distraction.. Correct.

Dude I've tried so many times... And you've had sex, I havent!!! So im really in a bad way...

I wouldnt even know where to take things, UNLESS I met the right girl who really turned me on, and most times, she is the one who doesnt like me or has interest in me, while the ones who I can have sex with, I'm not interested in them...

So its being between a rock and a hard place...

I dont need to sleep with a woman to know sex feels good... Self-gratification is all I got right now.. Just can't find her man... I have issues from a religion standpoint about premarital sex anyway, my dad brainwashed me when i was young.. He is too religious and has driven everyone in his life, away...

So although I am ok with having premaritcal sex now, I just havent found the girl to take it to that level with... She HAS to have a great body... It's unfair, b/c I have a good body, in my opinion AND with all due respect...

I'm not just going to have sex b/c I can.. I would regret that.. But if it were with a smoking hot babe, I wouldnt regret it.

See where im coming from?

I feel ya man...... Google dating coaches and there is a guy named Marius Panzarella that teaches guys and women how to attract and see where we go wrong at times. Premarital sex usually ends up in a mess unless it's in a deep relationship. Without the emotions it's only an average experience and you pray that you wont catch something.... I find it not worth it anymore.. Meaningless sex is never great, I've tried it many times and within 1-2 days you want more. If you hook up with a hottie, chances are you'll get feelings for her and it will hurt when she's out playing with someone else. Women are emotional creatures and we're more logical creatures. We're both sexual but women have to be slowly turned on in steps where we are like a light switch. Just look at women for what they really are.... a person, with a spirit, emotions, dreams, fears with wanting to feel good and sexy... just like us. Hope this helps..

Ok guys, just wanted to offer another woman's insight.

Women and men are very strange and different creatures in every aspect. How we think, feel, behave, etc. We could not be more different. But, that is the fun of it. Wouldn't life be so boring if everyone looked the same, talked the same, thought the same? A world of Stepford Wives?

Ivan, the first thing you need to do is to take the focus off the physical. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but only if your not having it. What I mean is in a healthy relationship where sex is had frequently, when a guy is asked how important it is to a successful relationship he will respond about 10%. If a man is asked the same question when he is in a relationship where sex is infrequent he will answer 100%.

The level of importance it has is related to how much you are having. Right now, since you are not having any as stated, your focus has become all about it. I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend (now husband). I was 18. I too believed in no sex until marriage. Well, when I met "the right one" I gave in about 6 months into our relationship. We have been together now for over 13 years (dating included).

Do I have regrets sometimes that I never experienced sex with anyone else but him, of course. Just the curiosity of what it would be like with someone else. But, having the connection of love, marriage, children, etc. makes it all the more sweeter.

I think your desire to "save yourself" is very admirable and most women would love it! It still bothers me that I was not my husband's first. But you know what, sex is sex to men. They don't have to feel anything for the woman beyond attraction. For women, we must feel some sort of bond with the man. Most of the time.

I would advise you to figure out Ivan first. Find out what truly is important to you and what is a must in a partner. Once you determine that, open yourself up to everyone you meet and she will appear. Not easy I know, but when we find the right one, is when we are not looking.

Good luck.

It's harder than I couldve imagined.. I never thought I'd have anxiety/depression...

Well apparantly I come from a problematic family and my childhood was somewhat problematic as well...

Your post was great... And i believe my reason for desiring intimacy with a woman is just that, I want to feel good again.. Yes I can take thing slow, but I'd like to meet a woman who is open to intimacy... I'd be happy with just kissing and touching... That usually helps a lot... Touch is very therapuetic.. We all need somebody... I don't have a lot of friends and my anxiety makes things harder, b/c it's basically excess emotional baggage...

I only have 1 good friend (guy) and 1 other friend (girl).. Thats it.. With the girl, we wer intimate kissing holding etc, but I think she wants more, but i dont... I didnt use her, I felt it was mutual, we both were people with emotions and we satisfied each other.. No hard feelings, just good feelings...

Like 1 year ago, I went out with this girl from the gym... We went to the riverwalk and walked and talked.. It was around Nov and chilly... We ended up kissing and I grabbed her butt... That was good enough for me... It felt so good... Unfortunately, she wanted a steady relationship, I wanted friends with benefits..

Do you understand that I'm not ready for a relationship until I work on myself?

I'm not a bad guy, I just want a connection socially... It seems selfish, but if ppl only knew what WE go through, they may be more understanding (empathetic)... Either way, this is my rant for the day...

Ivan, I am in total agreement that you need to work on you first. Once you have you figured out, everything else will fall into place.

I think you will find there are lots of women out there (me included) who would love a man who just wants intimacy and not only sex. What happene to the old days when men used to court women? What happened to holding doors open, holding hands, listening, sharing, love notes, flowers for no reason? These are the reasons women fall in love with men. Have you all forgotten!

As for you, since you are not wanting a commitment at this point and are not ready for one, just be honest about it. If you meet a young lady, tell her your intentions. Let her know you are only interested in friendship at this point and taking it slow. Let her know you may see other people and she can too. The worst thing you could do is lead her on. Make sure she knows what you are wanting. If she cannot deal with that, then at least you know and so does she and you both can move one.

Good luck in your quest for inner truth and ultimately, shared love.

Im completely agree... I will go out this weekend and I made it a point to get 1-2 glasses of red wine... I havent done so in a long time... I like the heart benefits and it relaxes me and mellows me out..

I dont get drunk or even buzzed.. Just 1 glass of red wine and i feel good...


I felt better today after training 2 ppl... I still have a long ways to go on working on myself... Thanks for the support... I appreciate it really.