Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 3:06 pm
I love session 4! Started last night. The negative thoughts thing wasn't getting all of it, that I was beating myself up for, because they're not really something I can grab hold of as negative thoughts, these shoulds and expectations, are they? More like bizarre colored glasses. 
I hadn't gotten before that what I'm doing to myself, is saying (constantly) that I should be able to drive on a highway any distance without panic attacks. To the extent that if I manage to do a little better, it's still 65 mph and minimum 60 miles distance below merely acceptable performance. That's not a goal. That's self-flagellation. Like, I haven't really accomplished anything until I've managed to do something that's harder for me right now than climbing Mt. Everest. No wonder I don't even try. The game is rigged.
It's weird. All day I've been noticing that I'm kinda hunched and clenched, shoulders and upper arms tensed, for defense against criticism. I think... I'm always this way.
And there's no-one else here. Well, no one else criticizing me, anyway...
Very liberating!
And I drove on the highway again today. And gave myself a reward for doing so. Focusing on the reward really did help during a couple bad minutes there.
(I originally posted this in the March peer support group session 4 forum... But I'm the only one there atm. Mind if I join you over here?
)
I hadn't gotten before that what I'm doing to myself, is saying (constantly) that I should be able to drive on a highway any distance without panic attacks. To the extent that if I manage to do a little better, it's still 65 mph and minimum 60 miles distance below merely acceptable performance. That's not a goal. That's self-flagellation. Like, I haven't really accomplished anything until I've managed to do something that's harder for me right now than climbing Mt. Everest. No wonder I don't even try. The game is rigged.
It's weird. All day I've been noticing that I'm kinda hunched and clenched, shoulders and upper arms tensed, for defense against criticism. I think... I'm always this way.
And there's no-one else here.
Well, no one else criticizing me, anyway...Very liberating!
And I drove on the highway again today. And gave myself a reward for doing so. Focusing on the reward really did help during a couple bad minutes there.
(I originally posted this in the March peer support group session 4 forum... But I'm the only one there atm. Mind if I join you over here?
)