Stress Center Peer Support

Some of you may know that i've been doing some research outside of the program and I've been looking at cognitive behavioral therapy type books and I'm learning about guilt & shoulds.

It sounded really wierd how they talked about shoulds in one of the cognitive techniques. They were mentioning about how if you have a habit of doing something then yes you should do it. I was like what!! But it makes so much sense. If you have a habit it would be completely unreasonable to just expect one day that you would break it. Are we so god-like that we cannot possibly do whatever that habit has us doing? Or are we so God-like that we have the power to instantly destroy a habit? No, that is rediculous.

You should continue the habit until you've changed it. You might think well what the heck is the diffrence? There is a huge diffrence here folks. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the idea that you can motivate yourself with a carrot or a stick. Well if you are constantly hitting yourself with a stick you are going to hurt yourself. Meaning everytime you aren't following through on your should, you are more often then not, going to feel like a failure then this feeling of failure just reinforces your feelings of inadequacy and reinforces the idea that you are a bad person!

I'll give you an example.
I had resented my mother and dad while i was growing up because they neglected me and ignored my crys for help so I wouldn't do anything that my mother expected or to better state that, demanded! So this then resulted in both of them and many other people (family friends and such) refering to me as a lazy person or saying i'm lazy or don't be lazy. This continued on for many many years and that's how my rule of I shouldn't be lazy started. The problem this has generated is that I had considered lazyness as not doing something productive and so everytime i wasn't being productive I "felt" lazy and I felt like a failure and inadequate and I even told myself I was a bad person because i couldn't follow my rule. I didn't want to feel bad about myself (it's human nature to want to avoid pain) and so I got obsessed with doing activities. This involved spending 8 hours at a time studying even if i was too exhausted and telling myself that I don't want to do it, it involved getting obsessed with self-help stuff (which isn't too bad because I learned alot) and it even affected my other shoulds. Obsessing over 1 task ended up in me being less productive and so i told myself that I didn't do enough and I would stay up past exhaustion and get to bed late which created my expection that i should get to bed earlier.

That is just one example from my life experience. I actually sat down and wrote out all of the shoulds i could think of (I did this in a few sessions) and I believe I have about 80 shoulds so far. That is 80 diffrent ways to get dissapointment and to create more guilt and reinforce my idea that I'm a bad, rotten person. No wonder why my life was under the control of my depression and anxiety.

So if shoulds and the way to motivate us then what do we do? Well there is still the carrot! The most effective way to influence any organism, plant or bacteria is to reward the desired behavior instead of punishing the undesired behavior. Punishing leads to aversion, resentment and causes alienation & avoidance. When you tell yourself, "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" all day long, you better believe you'll feel drained.

So the next time you decide to face a limitation, plan a reward for after it (icecream, cookie, bath, whatever you enjoy), in advance. This way you are more inclined to follow through & less likely to beat yourself up if it wasn't perfect!



Mike

NinjaFrodo,

Thanks for posting this. At first I started to freak a little because I worried about what I've done to my kids in my ignorance. But I quickly stopped myself and moved on to how can I apply this to myself and gain some insight.

Then I realized my biggest limitation/bad habit is eating to feel better. Its the only area where I haven't committed 100%. I started exercising and got off the caffeine, but the sugar and fast food is a tough let-go-of-it for me. But I was really encouraged by what you said. It does make sense. And I can see that the farther I go in the program, the better my eating habits are getting. I still bake and eat the brownies, but I'm cooking more at home. When I cook it's healthy so I am improving. I'll cut myself some more slack while I'm breaking this habit.

Thanks again for posting.

Thank you for you reply.

It sounds like you are moving along quite well with the program. You may have some struggles with eatting better on a consistent basis however, you don't use caffine anymore, you are exercising, you cook more at home (which is healthy) and you even realize what it is that is hindering you. What you've done so far out-weighs what you are struggling with.

There is no reason to completely stop using sugar and fast food, it is alright every once in awhile and hey actually you could use this as a reward when you face limitations so you feel even more encouraged.

You're doing great, keep up the good work


Mike

The most effective way to influence any organism, plant or bacteria is to reward the desired behavior instead of punishing the undesired behavior. Punishing leads to aversion, resentment and causes alienation & avoidance. When you tell yourself, "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" all day long, you better believe you'll feel drained.

Mike, wow...that does freaking make sense! I never, ever reward or even acknowledge my positives. I obsess with all my negatives. I will put your advise to good use. Thank you so much! K

What you quoted is something i read from one of Dr.David D Burns's books, i thought it was really insightful myself.


Mike

hello, i hope i'm in the right area, as you all seem to be very familiar with eachother - anyway, i'm on lesson #4 and it is soooo true ! - good point made, that we should expect LESS ! - trying to be more effective in how we handle ourselves, our attitude, our reactions, instead of being affected by what others think of me ! ! ! - i've surely been a victim of this ! - postive, positive, positive, and don't take every dog gone thing so seriously ! ! - keep the faith ! mj

Wow this thread has not been active since January I'm suprised someone has replied to it. It is a good reminder.

I seem to have understood about how you motivate yourself with a carrot or a stick but it still wasn't enough for me. I actually tried to reward myself with gummy bears and other sugary treats everytime I stopped negative thoughts (I was actually keeping track everyday for awhile, making tick marks whenever i did it and rewarding myself after a certain ammount of ticks). Well I ended up getting sick because I ate too much sugar. It didn't really work for me. I was discourage and dissapointed and I ended up going back to the old habit of beating myself up and shoulding. It has taken up until about 3 weeks ago to finally figure out what to do.

The reality of it is (at least for habits and addictions), is that we are more likely to continue a habit until its changed (yes i know i already said that before) so now comes in the real acceptance of reality (which is what was missing), I have done the habit many times and will many more times but it will be mixed with times when I actually make progress and do what i want to do instead of the habit. I will also be able to handle either situation even if that means i feel a little uncomfortable. I have used this most nights when i was working on my sleeping problems (getting to sleep really really late when i'm exhausted instead of tired) and my body is adjusting very well. Instead of going to sleep at 4am i ended up going to sleep at 2am on a consistent basis and then 1am then down to 12am and I did not force myself and I feel really good about my accomplishments. In fact it has boosted my self-esteem alot and my sense of hope.

You are very right mjcreate...positive, positive, positive and don't take things so seriously. But don't expect yourself not to take things seriously all at once, that is another habit and it takes awhile to break. Your progress will be rollercoastery especially in the beginning but it will change, unless it has already.

Thank you again for bringing this thread back up,

Mike

[QUOTE]Originally posted by NinjaFrodo:
. . . The most effective way to influence any organism, plant or bacteria is to reward the desired behavior instead of punishing the undesired behavior. Punishing leads to aversion, resentment and causes alienation & avoidance. When you tell yourself, "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" all day long, you better believe you'll feel drained.



Right, Mike! That works with mice and men too. Your comment kinda reminds me of my Master's Thesis in college--back in 1973--"Behavior Modification Thru Positive Reinforcement"

I think I'm gonna reward myself right now!