frustrated

dorohty76 · Post by **dorohty76** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:04 am

I am doing this program absolutely the best I can, putting almost all my free time and energy into it. I am getting better emotionally but I am mentally drained and now I think being so mentally tired is making me backslide emotionally. This weeks subject on expectations is overwelming I have always knew I was the queen of negitive thinking, but now having to assess all my expectations wow!!! how are you suppouse to really do that? I mean I have a ton of them and with me hardly ever leaving the house unless I am with my husband almost all of them are things I really need to do. I have 2 kids a 4yr old daughter and 11month old son and my daughter is really behind on her social skills because I have 1 friend who I hardly ever see and my daughter does not have any. I don't take her to play dates,the park,the beach, the library,or anywhere elese there are kids for her to play with. I can't put her in daycare because we don't have the extra money and even if we did, I wouldent be able to take her cause I would have to take her and pick her up everyday by myself and the pressure of having to do that daily is too much for me right now, I am so frustrated cause I feel like in this lesson I am being asked to say it is ok for me too be this way and I need to stop worring about this stuff,forgive myself for being this way and just let it go,make a plan for change and do it.well it is just not that easy when it comes to your kids, by the time I am well enough to do the things I need to for my kids social development I feel like it will be too late and to just forgive myself when I am the one directly affecting my kids because of my problems with agoraphbia,thats insane why sould my kids suffer and I walk around guilt free? I am also upset with the school system where I live my daughters birthday is in dec.so she could start pre-school in the fall,and will be turning 5 this dec. in my county we have pre-school in the public schools,but you have to be in the poverty catagory for your kids to attend.so because my husband makes a very good income she can'y go. I know life is not fair but it seems rediculous that she can't go when even though he makes money,we live paycheck to paycheck because we have a mortage, 2 car payments,all the insurences,buy all our own food,and gas,have to pay for all the fix ups on our house ourselves. I am not putting down the people in poverty I was raised in very extream poverty, my mother and father,2 brothers and I lived in a 20ft camper trailer and I had to share a bed with my brothers till I was 9,we had no running water,the only power was from a generatorand we used kerosene lamps and heater for most of the light and heat,we got our water in 5 gal buckets from the state park and once week took showers at the state park also in the quarter showers one quarter last 2 min.we got really excited when it was the day to go to the food bank cause we got the day old doughnuts from the grocery store. so when I say I am upset at my kid not being able to go to school cause we make too much money I also know the other side.I may have been underprivleged at home but in school I was spoiled, I got free lunches,I was able to do sports and activitys free,I was able to get free speach therapy,I got to go on all the feild trips for free,I went to before and after care for free,the school payed for the rent on my musical interment,even at home I really never went with out. all of my stuff may have been second hand but I still had it,we got state medical,food stamps,and some money,we got food from the food bank, clothes mostly for very little at the second hand stores and people were forever giving us toys. and now that i look back at it all I am upset because all the help we got from good intented people actually helped keep my parents poor cause they dident have to improve themself,and they could have but dident my mom was too busey with her boyfriends and my dad was too busey drinking to get rid of his pain to get any real job. and now my kid can't even get into public pre school cause we make too much money,but we pay for ourselves in everything and have little and most often no extra money at the end of the month, and I know this is cliche but a good part of our taxes are going to people like my parents, it is so sad. my daughter can't start kindergarden till 2010 by the time she starts she will be two months from her 6th birhtday. I guess your damned eaither way poor or making a good living both ways we all have to suffer in someway.but anyhow how am I suppose to not feel guilty that my kid has no friends or social life, when it truely is 100% my fault..........

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:59 am

Hi Dorothy,

It sounds like you are in a really bad place right now. I am so sorry. I hope I can say something to encourage you. If this session is making you feel that bad maybe you should come back to it later.

Have you learned anything from the first two sessions? I am only in week two, but I found you have to do everything step by step. Have you used the relaxation tape? I mean really went to a quiet place and listened to the instructions and the sounds.

When I first listened to the relaxation tape it irritated me, but I kept listening and I still keep trying to relax more each time I play it.

We all have different situations that we have to deal with. Can you focus on what you do that's positive? Is your husband supportive of you with this program?

If there is nothing else I can do, I can listen. So please continue to express your self in the forum. I am at work right now, but I will respond ASAP.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:21 am

thank you I am just having a hard time letting go of my guilt,I am comfortable with it and I don't feel I really deserve to feel better. yes I listen to the relaxation cd 3x a day I do what the program tells me to do,my husband is very supportive of this program,in fact he is doing it also.I am just frustrated and I think that is probly a normal response for everyone going though the program at some point. I know that this is not gonna be easy that it is a lot of work and I need to continue to do it even when its hard,I got the way I am from running from anything that was hard or was uncomfortable for me,if I finish anything in my life it will be this program. I feel bad when I use this forum to vent because I feel like I'm putting my problems off on others who have enough of their own stuff to deal with. I really hope thats not the case.thank you very much for your words of encouragement I do really need them and it does help knowing there are people who care even if they don't know me.thank you

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:55 pm

Hi Dorothy,
I am on session 3 of this program and I have my ups and downs about but I am going to stick to it. Just wanted to encourage you by saying you are doing the very best thing for your children right now by doing this program and getting better. as we do this program and grow and get better think of how much better we will be for our children and be able to make better decisions. I fretted for years over the fact that my daughter didnt have much of a childhood because her younger brother has cerebral palsy and she was 18 months when he was born she spent alot of her toddler years in the car with us going from therapy to therapy. She is now 18 years old and in spite of my problems with anxiety and her brothers stuff she is growing into a beautiful young woman. alot of the worrying I did didnt happen. Well I hope that is somewhat helpful. Hang in there I know it will get better.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri May 01, 2009 1:22 am

thank you soooo much I really needed that I just worry so badly that I am messing her up because of my problem,but you are right I do need to look at the fact I am doing something to change the situation now, so it will be better in the future. I am glad you are sticking with the program I know it will work for us if we just put the work into it.