Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

[MapleLane]

Here are more of my Shoulds. Some of them are so crazy that I would not have thought I believed them if someone had asked me, because part of my brain knows they are not sensible.
But I HAVE been believing these shoulds!

• I should do well at everything
(Holy Smokes!!)
• I should not fail
• Things should be fair
• I should be thought well of by everyone
• I should also be attractive to everyone
(Well I know that there are people I'm not attracted to but I still value them. And I know that there are guys that are good-looking but not in a way that is particularly attractive to me. But I still think I should be attractive to everyone? And there's no real point to me to be attractive to EVERYONE - it's totally a pride thing. And an unneeded pressure!)
• I should be more outgoing and have people over a lot more


And here's a big one for me:

• I should be someone with a natural inner joy and optimistic nature

First, I am assuming that inner joy comes naturally. Perhaps to some it does. Upon further thought I have to wonder whether inner joy is something people come to through various realizations and practices.

Second, I am just not a born optimist. I'm a born pessimist. (Again, like my Dad).
And here I am 'shoulding myself' about being an extreme optimist. It would be nice for me to have a perennially sunny outlook on life and I've been feeling I'd be so much of a better person if that was the case.

When I do this I am dismissing the good qualities that pessimists bring to the table. I think now it is not actually true that optimism = good and pessimism = bad.

Also, I am making it an all-or-nothing sort of situation...I must be an optimist not a pessimist. I can improve my thought patterns and learn better ways of being in this world but I don't need to try and overhaul my entire nature - I don't even think that would work!

It is perfectly fine for me to be a pessimist who also knows how to think positively!

[Ninjafrodo2]

MapleLane;
Great job on the procrastination and seeing the shoulds...I hadn't really figured out those ones that you put down but now that I have read them, I totally fit those...thank you for opening my eyes.

To answer your question, I'd say in my heart I am an extravert but I like to have some balance between time with others and time with myself. With the social anxiety, i'm afraid that I won't be able to get words out or really understand what is being communicated and I usually stick to one on one contacts instead of big groups of people because it gets difficult to fully understand what is going on and to keep up with the speed of the conversation...I feel frustrated with it because i'm slow to process just because of the anxiety.

Yes I do have some shoulds about how social I should be, what I should say, how I should say things and what I should do when I am around people and it makes things more difficult so yeah maybe there is more pressure than needed. Maybe you're right, maybe I am putting more shoulds on myself in this area, I hadn't actually thought of it...but now that I think of it, I'm starting to realize that I do have shoulds on people liking me...and if they don't like me then there has to be something wrong with me, something unlikeable, or because i'm wrong or a bad person...at least that is the litany. And as I type that what came to mind was Lucinda saying "You shouldn't have to work that hard to have a friend"....I think maybe I have just met and tried to be friends with the wrong group of people, ones that actually didn't accept me for me....and I think I likely attracted them because I didn't accept me for me.

You're definately hitting soem good points that I hadn't actually thought of...the whole life is fair..yeah I still get caught up in that too. Its definately encouraged in our society to think that way though. ie. if someone does something mean to you, you are expected to get them back with some kind of response from someone else of "are you just going to let them do that to you?". I wish things were a different way in my life a way that would be fairer but yeah I guess if you have that expectation that it should have been different than it was then it is really that expectation that keeps you stuck and keeps you suffering. And if you think about it, if life was fair then nothing negative would ever happen and how could we really grow? I think the universe pays us through the lesson we get out of the negative thing.

As for the optimism...I am like that as well...I feel like I have to be or I'll drive people away, its like walking on eggshells, which is probabbly just a magnification of situations from my past. I don't know about optimism and pessimism being good or bad but I've learned that if you only look for good, you'll miss out on the bad...but if you only look for bad then you miss out on the good, I think its best to just be observant and notice the whole picture.



Mike

[LyndaLu]

A reply to Coach Chris' post in November 2013.

I am just starting to learn about Co-Dependency in a workshop
that I am participating in. It has been very eye opening.
I am older now and I haven't really learned anything new for a long time.
I have sure been missing out on a lot.
I am learning so many skills now that are going to be
so beneficial to me. I feel more empowered now than I ever have been.

LyndaLu

[Mary B.]

Hi all,
I was thinking about my "should list" and it suddenly occurred to me an obvious one that's been causing me a spike in anxiety. I "should" be better by now. So when my shortness of breath and anxiety rears its ugly head I am disappointed bc that "should" thought is shouting at me in the background. I have been feeling better and then a return of symptoms was a bit of a blow for me. Finding it hard to accept that all of what I'm going thru esp physical symptoms are still part of the anxiety condition. Even after having improved days. Can anyone relate? Would luv to hear from you! Thanks
Maria

[THH]

Mary B,
Oh yes, I think we all have thought "WE SHOULD" be over this...
This program is helping me identify "why". And at times asking why can be an obsessive behavior. I do over think things and want to know why. My advise is to continue through the program and try to identify with some of the post and your own personal experience.
I have not found a magic easy way. It is a process and a bit tricky at times. It is a life style and must be used to keep sharp. Keep at it as more pieces fit together but slowly. Identifying, changing thoughts, beliefs, is hard until you start to really get the hang of it. Once you do I don't want to say it gets easier, but yes it kind of does. That does not mean you will not have challenges, but you will react differently and they may not effect you the same ways. Good Luck to you, keep up the great work!
P.S. For me, when I have high anxiety, it is really hard to manage. It is better to identify at low levels. Once you reach 5 or up, then you can recognize it is anxiety and float with it. Later you can try to understand what set you off.

[LyndaLu]

Mary B:

I was just thinking about the same thing recently! I was thinking about
HOW LONG would it take me to get better! I was in the hospital in
October 2013 and since then I have really started to learn and use
a lot of coping skills like the ones taught in this program. So the other
day I was thinking, I wonder WHEN I will get better? Will this whole
process take about 6 months ? Three months ? How long does it take ?
Of course, there is no answer for this question, so I need to stop asking it.
I have not felt happy for a long while now. I am always thinking, well,
whenever I tie up all of the lose ends, then everything will be "OK".
Well, unfortunately, once I tie up the lose ends I have NOW in my life,
suddenly there will be new lose ends to deal with.
Life will constantly be throwing new challenges my way and I will have to
deal with them one at a time, the best I can. I will just have all of the
anxiety that goes with it.

THH:
You have wonderful insight !

LyndaLU
LyndaLu

[Mary B.]

Thanks Lynda and THH,
I was so happy to read your responses. It is a difficult thing to be caught in the vicious cycles of our negative minds. And I have to realize that it took a long time to master my negative thinking habit and the impact it has had on my sympathetic nervous system so it is only logical that it will take time to undue. I have to keep telling myself that I have to live alongside the anxiety/depression for a while and not expect anything and give my body/mind all the time it needs to recover. It is in the expecting to feel better that brings me down. So I will continue with the program and seek out all the support i can get here and just let things be for now. My mind is begging for a much needed break from trying to figure everything out. How does this sound?

[THH]

Mary B & Lyndalu,
It does at times get overwhelming. I feel that way too. Is this your first time though? I did go though it several times now. It has helped me in many ways. I think our negative way of thinking is such a natural way for us. I go though spells where I really work on finding the right perspective, living in the now and feel so much better. Then I slip into old bad thinking habits and end up with a panic attack.
I also discovered that I have more depression in there than I ever seen before. I always just thought it was stress and anxiety. So I have identified with new things.

Take your time, question your expectations!
P.S. Read though all the post in this session. A lot of feelings and good post in here.

[Mary B.]

Hi THH,
This is my second time doing the program. The first time was about 6 yrs ago and I did the coaching with it. It was very helpful. I did recover from my anxiety condition. I started having bad panic attacks Dec of 2012 and tried to use my skills without going thru the prog again and seeing a CBT therapist but i suffered for almost 1 yr and decided i needed to go on meds. It was not until recently that it occurred to me to do the prog again. Oh well. it worked out the way it did for a reason (which Im not sure of) Now Im on Lexapro and ativan which have helped stop the high level of anxiety and panic however i feel extremely tired and weak. So I may be switching soon. I have good stretches of time and then a sudden and brief wave of panic comes over me and it sets me back. I begin worrying about why it happened and all the horrible memories come flooding back of my fear of these terrifying moments of panic and i question everything and it depresses me. So that is my challenge right now to accept whatever comes as I continue on the road to recovery. It is not easy but I know it will happen eventually. Hope your doing well.
Maria

[LyndaLu]

I hate to admit this, but, ... I am a Program drop-out.
I worked on the Program in 2010 and 2011.
It was just not the right time for me.

All of the skills that are taught in the Program are absolutely right on the money.
The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach to recovery is medically sound.
I found that the "self-help" approach was not the right fit for me.
I started to learn and use coping skills when I ended up in the hospital in October 2013.
From there I was in an Outpatient Program that taught many of the same skills.
At the Outpatient Program I was able to meet with my peers in a support group setting
that was facilitated by a therapist. This was the right fit for me. Being around
the other clients ( people who were just like me ! ) made me feel like I finally fit in.
When I was at my job 5 years ago I was the "freak". I did not fit in there because
my co-workers and bosses just did not understand mental illness ( and neither did
I at the time ). Talking to my peers and especially listening to them was so
enlightening at the Outpatient Program.
And the teachers / therapists were fantastic. They were very caring and supportive.

So even though I am a Program drop-out I still understand all of the techniques
taught in the Program. I just learned them in a group setting.
I couldn't do it on my own at home in my little apartment by myself.
I needed to actually be around people and finally end my isolation.

LyndaLu