Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Do you have such high expectations of yourself and others that you’re constantly disappointed? Learn how to have realistic, reasonable expectations and be happier than you’ve ever been before.
THH
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Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by THH » Tue Nov 26, 2013 7:27 pm

Forever Young,
Thought I would check in to see how your appt. went...Oh man... Can't believe she was sick again! That is crazy.
Well I guess creator knows your fine, or he would have made sure a doctor was in the house. Sorry that has to frustrating.

Your dog is insulin resistant. I am no vet, but I do have a horse that is as well. I have him on a very strict diet. It has kept him better. For your dog, make sure the feed your feeding has no sugar added, and treats too. My dogs love a green bean or carrot for a treat. The horse we cut his feed, and buy special grain with low carbs. Carbs do turn to sugar. Use the same principle for your dog. Like humans, if we eat more calories than we burn we have trouble, same with animals. In the winter some of my animals do not do much activity at all, and I cut their feed way down.
Maybe you do all this, but if not it could be something to consider.
One day at a time is the best way.

Mike,
Hugs to you! You are realizing very many powerful emotions. Knowledge is power! You said it best when you said I am scared but I can't live like this any more. Those ways protected you and you did the best you knew how to deal. But they don't serve you now and your exploring your feelings and doing inventory. Huge awareness.
All we can change is ourselves. Yet we can't do that by 5 minute overhauls. Nor can we go to bed at night and expect to wake up the next day as the person we always wanted to be. Slowly we change our lives. You really do have the power! :)

I listened to my relaxation tape today and went for a walk. I start baking and getting my stuff ready tomorrow. I have a little anticipation anxiety tonight. I'll be fine, I know I can pace myself and not feel rushed. Forever Young, good for you working out on the tread mill! It does make me feel better after my morning walks.
Have a Peaceful evening everyone. :)

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:01 pm

So today, I got more insights...I just love how I get a little bit every day, its really cool!

Last night I again was triggered by seeing that my X's friend now has him and my X as his facebook profile and so everytime I see a comment from him or talk to him on facebook I'd get to be triggered...so I decided to defriend that guy....What comes up for me when I see my X is that i'm not getting that connection with anybody that I did with him and also how I don't really feel connected with friendships either and thats really depressing. I would have thoughts about how nobody likes me, nobody cares about me...blah blah blah and in all reality people are trying to talk to me all the time, they're trying to start up conversation and hangout and be friendly with me, thats definately not an issue, the only issue is that I'm having a hard time feeling that connection and had thus concluded that my reality is in fact how my emotion says it is. I have thought "well maybe if I meet just the right person, then it'll be better" but really, I have to be that right person and I have to work on that disconnection on my own because nobody else can make me feel connected, I'm blocking myself from feeling that way and I think its the anxiety and the spaciness that keeps me from feeling comfortable and secure enough around people to actually enjoy their company...I have the power to change that and don't need to find some magical person to do that (although that would be cool if there was a fairy or a lepracaun that could grant me that wish or sprinkle some magic fairy dust and make it all better).

Another thing, something THH had said (which i'm really glad she did as it has lead to another insight), was about winning the war against anxiety. It felt awkward reading that and It has been on my mind last night and today...To be at war against something means that you are fighting it and in this case means you are fighting anxiety, anxiety itself is the fight or flight response so whats really going on is fighting of the fighting response and up until this point I believe that was my perception of it too but I think thats likely why I've stayed stuck...it also makes me think of how the program is called Combatting Stress and Depression Program and then in the program it says not to fight or flee but to accept, kind of funny actually :P What do you think would happen if you viewed anxiety as a good thing, a protector instead of something you have to go to war with?

Anxiety has seemed like an enemy because the body symptoms are really scary but at the same time it is there to increase the chance of our survival under extraordinary circumstances so really it is our friend that has just got out of control. This also makes me think about when I'd try to psyche myself up by listening to videogame music that was really upbeat and seemed epic (or music you'd hear in movies that was epic), and I'd use it to imagine myself becoming strong and fighting something or using it in anticipation of responding to some kind of imagined future conflict or whatever but now I realize that just feeds the anxiety too, i'm imagining fighting so i'm literally telling my brain to go into the fight or flight response...I think from now on I'm going to use that music to imagine and focus on me succeeding on my goals so that when I make efforts on them, I can put my heart and soul into whatever it is I'll be doing.
Image


MapleLane;
With the shoulds, I am having the same experience there are some really deep shoulds which i'm just starting to recognize now, but its something that I've had to just open up and allow those answers to come to me through bringing awareness on the ideas of shoulds themselves. What ones did you come up with and what ones did you turn into goals?

I also remember that part that Lucinda mentions about the lady who said she wish she could go back...I don't know about everybody else but I definately feel the same way but however there are many gifts in going through this process, for one it makes you sooooo much more aware of the pain of others and so much more compassion as a result and some of those qualities when they are put into projects or work or whatever will create the best results. And how about a 3rd option of you where you'll be when you finally get ahold of the anxiety and depression and become an amazingly strong person after...because once you get ahold of that, would there really be anything you couldn't face or do? The place you are now has opened you up to motivate you to become that 3rd person.
Image

The work situation well I was being a little bit too optimistic for where I am with my skills and thats alright also your suggestion is a good one, it would be a good step towards working for sure! Thank you.

I'm pretty sure my cousin is just feeling lonely, isolated and likely depressed but just doesn't recognize that and instead of facing that, it's probabbly easier for her to vent out about other issues or at least thats how I take it...it is sad for her because that kind of negative talk has pushed alot of people away I think.

In regard to being in the present moment or mindfulness...I think the program means not to let ourselves get lost in negative spirals mainly but yeah you're right its fine to think about past situations...i'm wondering if you can think of them and yet still be aware of your surroundings and be in the present moment as well. Either way yes it is good to allow room for not being in the moment for pleasure or for being in the process of moving from not being present most of the time to being present for most of the time.


THH
Great for being more mindful and i'm guessing the teeth thing is similiar to the dentist thing and you are experiencing obsessive thoughts that are distracting you.

You're welcome for the pictures, they are pretty cool and I feel awesome when I post them up for everybody to see...I am still planning on making picture quotes for the accomplishments...I have found that looking at these kinds of pictures on a daily basis has been really great for changing my beliefs and perceptions and its enjoyable on top of that because I really like the pictures.

Great work on lesson 2, I'd say everyone is doing a much better job with this run through as well
Image
....And i'm with you on the lesson about taking time and doing things gradually...its so easy to just expect it right now, but thats not how it works.

And I think creating your own job is probabbly the best kind of job...one of my goals is to do that actually...to create workshops for kids, to make my own products and sell them and to create my own shiatsu business as well as other things as well.

Oh and thank you for the support as well! I like how you respond because you show that you really do get it and I appreciate that. As for the overhaul thing and waking up being that person I've always wanted to be, I do have that wishful thinking, I also go to bed wishing that I'll wake up without anxiety...but it never actually happens...what a pity! :P

let us know how the evening went.

ForeverYoung
You're doing a great job...it is really interesting how when you decide to accept what scares you that it tends to lessen, wouldn't you agree? I know there have been some really dark moments for myself even in the last 2 years and I didn't know how I was going to get out of them and I had some really dark thoughts and finally I just accepted all of it...I even had thoughts of hopelessness and I accepted those too and then It seemed to lose its hold and I got relief and I got through it.

And thank you for the support, keep in mind that I am not in that situation anymore and because of the spaciness and the blocked emotion that I didn't feel as much pain as it sounds but now I have the option of opening up to my heart and bringing compassion to that pain a little bit at a time and it definately isn't suffering, it is cathartic and releasing, its a really good thing...it might sound wierd but I actually enjoy feeling my way through it and experiencing the pain and loving myself in the process and giving myself understanding...it even frees me from present situations or recent past situations that I've held emotions from.

good job on the exercising! Also keep in mind, you have already started to face some of those limitations already, especially with driving your car and having anxiety, you made it through that! You made it through an anxious episode yesterday and when we do get to that point about facing our fears, you would have collected more experience, more confidence in yourself and your abilities to face the anxiety and you'll likely be more calm overall and possibly have fun with facing anxiety (I know I have gotten to that point myself) Image

...if you want you can even work yourself up to it a little faster, there is one technique in a book I read where the person was trying to get more comfortable facing the "unknown" (which to me means the fear of the unknown or anxiety) and what he did everyday was he practiced jumping off a street curb with his eyes closed and it prepared him for when he decided to switch careers and he got through it. I've started to do this myself and it creates a small ammount of anxiety but i'm able to build confidence in being able to handle it, I've even started to jump off higher up platforms onto the ground. Just a suggestion.


Mike

forever young 06
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Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by forever young 06 » Wed Nov 27, 2013 12:50 pm

THH I can't believe the dr was sick too again . I am beginning to wonder if she doesn't have panic attacks how could you be sick that long. I may have to find another dr. I hate that even though over the yrs I have moved around a lot with drs. Do you walk out in the cold? I hate the cold but it would be good to not stay in so much like I do. wow I wouldn't have thought a horse would be insulin resistance. I am having trouble getting my dog to eat the food that doesn't raise his sugar. I have bought food from the vet I trying mixing it. he is hard to do anything with.I don't have a lot of patience so it cause more stress for me. I too need to be cooking this afternoon as I guess my daughter will want me to come out there early to help her.


mike you are doing so good with your feelings. I hope we can all have a breakthrough this time . We are learning a lot about our self this time. you will know when the time is right to get a job it is best to not push it. we need to be kind to ourself. I remember a time when I hated myself but I realized God did not make junk we are wonderful people we kind and loving like you said. keep up the good work.

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Wed Nov 27, 2013 9:21 pm

So I realized something new today (I love these insights!)...Again I have realized that I fell back into being afraid of the spacy feelings again, it seems to be so easy to fall back into old patterns...so I've decided to use a certain picture quote to help me remember that the spacy feeling is the mind trying to take care of itself...its also a quote from the lesson 2 cd in the first segment with Dr.Fischer...anybody reading this is definately welcome to print it and use it for themselves as well.
Image.
One thing that has helped me out tremendously for changing my beliefs into more realistic beliefs is to look at these kinds of pictures on a daily basis...I glue them to black paper (I love black paper) and I usually put them with others like them in order to have a specific effect! This one is likely to go with the picture quotes i'm making for each of the 6 steps which by the way i'm mostly done I just need to finish the first 2 and then i'll post them for everybody to use.


I have realized that my life mainly revolves around anxiety...there are many things I don't seem to like or want to do because I got it in my head that they will cause me to have scary thoughts and feelings or rather anxiety and the associated body symptoms but in all reality it really isn't those things that cause it, the thoughts might come up and then it is how I respond to those thoughts that cause me to get caught up in the scary thoughts and feelings...I'm assuming that I have gotten anxiety attacks with whatever those things are and then associated anxiety to those things.

Also I've noticed that the bad habits are a way of avoiding the anxiety as well....I see that what goes through my head is..."I have to do this or else I get those scary thoughts and feelings and I won't be able to handle them" and non-the-less that very thought itself scares the poop out of me and creates a sense of urgency to do whatever the avoidance behavior is (ie. Overeating).


Thought replacements;

1)It isn't working, I'm still not feeling better.
All-or-nothing

I may not be completely over the anxiety yet and I may still be feeling uncomfortable but I am less anxious, I'm more calm, I am able to spend more time being in the present moment, I'm also more able to connect with myself, I'm more compassionate with myself and others. I can't change all at once but I am getting there little by little and I can handle the journey to my goal of overcoming the anxiety or rather to be more at peace and free.

2)I'm not going to be able to stay in the moment at all times, its way too hard.
Should

I don't need to stay in the moment at all times, my goal is to spend most of my time in the present moment but it takes time to build up to that. All I need to do is practice being in the moment for short periods of time during the day and that'll help me to build up to the consistency that I'm striving for but in the mean time I can allow myself to float through the moments that I am spacy, its not going to hurt me, I'm just going to feel weird and thats alright.

ForeverYoung;
Thank and you have already make some breakthroughs yourself. I briefly looked through some of the run throughs that I've started before and I notice that you are definately doing much much better than you were back in the last one! This is still really very much challenging for all of us I think, I have fallen back a couple times already but progress is usually not ever a straight incline...it tends to look messy like this;
Image

Mike

forever young 06
Posts: 284
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Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by forever young 06 » Fri Nov 29, 2013 7:06 am

okay the day after Thanksgiving. I had a good day. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a lovely family. I started out with some anxious feelings and hoping they wouldn't get too bad. They finally went away thankfully. Today I am to spend with my daughter and her kids. I am going to practice staying in the present moment it is hard. I also need to learn acceptance. I want to learn mindfulness too. I am trying but this all won't take place immediately. we all so need to give ourselves a break I am trying to be kind to myself.

mike love the pictures and the quotes. you are doing a good job. I think we all are giving it our best. that is all we can do.

THH how did your Thanksgiving go? was your mom there too? I hope all went well for you too.

MapleLane
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Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by MapleLane » Fri Nov 29, 2013 2:55 pm

ForeverYoung and THH:
I find myself holding my breath too. And breathing shallow.
Who knows how much I've been doing it by the time I notice!
Better breathing is definitely something I'm still working on. It's also important for me because I hyperventilate during panic attacks which of course makes it all worse!

ForeverYoung: Good for you to make yourself exercise!

THH: You mentioned feeling better after your morning walks. There's something about walking and hiking that really helps me too.
It's something I've always enjoyed. A couple hours walk or hike fulfills something in me. When I don't get out for long enough it builds up!

Not saying it'll feel that great to everyone! We all have our activities that we enjoy best.
We were a walking family growing up - mom didn't usually have a car so we walked a lot.
The point is that for me, on top being enjoyable exercise, walking is a very familiar activity with positive memories associated with it.

Walking is part of my 'Enjoy Winter Strategy'. It's easier for me to feel depressed and anxious in winter and this winter I'm purposefully making it a part of being well.
Fresh air, sunshine, exercise, an activity I enjoy... It's weird I didn't focus on it sooner.
Last edited by MapleLane on Sun Dec 01, 2013 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

THH
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Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by THH » Fri Nov 29, 2013 8:06 pm

Hello Gang!
Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. :)

I did some home work the day before preparing myself mentally for the holiday. Knowing that certain people are going to act a certain way, say things not just to me but others there that are going to be negative comments. I don't need to defend, anyone including myself.
I think it went pretty well. The food was great as always, my mother and father and both their significant others were there, and of coarse a uncle. It always causes me a certain amount of anxiety as many of these people never bite their tongue. I guess when you get really old you just say what pops in your head! Much of it a narrow view, opinion, political, just plain meanness, or I'll call just it grumpy people. LOL...

The hard part for me is to look at a couple old timers and see how they have become such bitter old people. I don't want to become one of those. I know a couple have never tried hard to be cheerful, forgiving, live in the modern world, rather just remember how it was 50 years ago. I sorta get it, but I see where it is unhealthy and when you get old and have to depend on others for help, it would be nice ( expectation )to at least try to be a little positive. It would go such a long way.

Today I had some sadness, (emotional) due to the conditions my uncle lives in and what a mess, to me his life is in. I feel that I can't cheer him up, he does not want help, nor has he ask. It does produce some anxiety for me. I am learning to except these kinds of things better.

I can't change other people to fit with the way I think they should be. It is hard though to see people struggle so.

Over all, I did Okay the day before, Good on the day, and okay today! :)

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Fri Nov 29, 2013 8:40 pm

Interesting thing happened yesterday! Well I was working on my new accomplishment list that I had made a couple posts prior to this one, I was creating pictures for it and I have made a few so far and I cut them out and pasted them on black paper and have been using them as affirmations, well it seems like they are starting to kick in!
->So I was on my way to Krav Maga class and I was walking there although I didn't leave myself much time to actually get there and I was focusing on the things I was greatful and my goals while listening to music in order to really motivate myself on the walk and despite all my efforts I was still feeling negative and had obsessive negative thoughts and then I realized...I didn't really want to go to class, I wasn't feeling up for it and so instead of pushing myself to go, I stopped and I allowed myself not to go but I gave myself credit not only for putting the effort into going but also for taking care of myself! I felt good and I rewarded myself with a piece of apple pie that I got cheap at a local convenience store. Now normally if that situation would happen, I'd either push myself to go or I'd feel bad for not making it and would beat myself up...not this time!
Image


Today seemed to be I giant test for me...In order to fix my sleep schedule I woke up 2 hours earlier than I have been and so I got less sleep and usually when I miss out on sleep I am alot more tired, vulnerable and definately more anxious and I was meeting up with a friend to...Instead of reaching towards my bad habits (over eating, listening to music as a distraction from my thoughts and spacing out), I focused on being in the moment, accepting that I'm tired, anxious but still getting through the day...part of that was because I had no time to go overeat and my headphones conveniently broke before my walk but I took advantage of the situation and things turned out quite well and I'm feeling proud of myself! Don't get me wrong it was no walk in the park, and I was still struggling but it was tolerable. I think I might be able to keep this up but I am still afraid...its going to take some time still.

I'm also noticing some of the deeper thoughts now, it seems like my brain is expecting the future to be like the past, its like i'm trying to prepare for the same situations I was in back then with the same circumstances when in reality, my circumstances are completely different, i'm different too!

by the way is it helpful for you guys if I do post my thought replacements? I'm mainly doing it to help give examples, but if it is not helping then I'll omit them. Let me know please.


ForeverYoung;
Great job sticking with it! and I'm glad i'm not the only person with the same experience, this really isn't very easy and it would be great if it just went away immediately but sadly it doesn't work that way...These habits have been things we've all been doing for a very very long time, its also definately not easy to just break a habit especially one such as anxiety.
Image

anxiety gets pretty scary but we are all being very courageous by facing this anxiety and thats is somehting to be proud of!

PS i'm glad you like the picture quotes, I'll be posting more of these!


MapleLane;
You are a walker like I am too, it seems to be a good quality to have.

THH;
Sounds like you've done really great despite the negativity! And yeah those situations like with your uncle and the older bitter people is sad and i'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that myself...isn't it interesting how we can become so sensitive that we get anxious, sad and all those other negative feelings based on the lifes of other people? Sometimes I can still get caught up in other people's pain where I thinking about it and feel bad for them.

Mike

MapleLane
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Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by MapleLane » Fri Nov 29, 2013 11:20 pm

I'm really glad we stayed on this lesson for a second week because it has taken me this extra time to ferret out some of the bigger shoulds that were hiding in that brain of mine.

I find that I really do have high and unrealistic expectations of myself.
But I wouldn't say it is perfectionism. I don't need things to look or be perfect in myself or the people around me or to portray a perfect looking life. I don't take that time to make things just so or be specifically anxious when they are not.
My unrealistic expectations mean I put a lot of background pressure on myself on things where I don't 'measure up'.

So what are some of the SHOULDS I came up with and what are some I can turn into goals...

SHOULD: I should not get sick.
I don't get anxious about being sick with something but I get frustrated when I get a cold or flu and I realize this is because I feel like I'm weak to have come down with a cold and I should be able to avoid it.
RESPONSE: Basically everyone gets sick with something at some point in time. You get sick an average amount. Getting a cold now and then is very normal - you don't have to be superwoman.
GOAL: I do know I could increase the amount of vegetables and fruit in my diet, and get more regular hours of sleep, and that may help me avert sickness. So the goal is to improve both those areas.
Also, then if I do get sick I can feel good knowing I ate and slept healthily and that if I have a cold/flu it's just what every regular non-superwoman experiences now and then.

SHOULD: I should have near boundless energy.
RESPONSE: I do have enough energy to take care of my child and my home and be involved in a few other things besides. It's not like I lack energy to get anything done!
I also know that I am 'my father's daughter' and he is a 'slow and steady' sort of guy. There are many sorts of people in this world and there are benefits to each kind of person.

SHOULD: I should look neater and prettier all the time.
RESPONSE: I take care of my appearance enough to look respectable :) haha! I could put more time into my hair and do some make-up. It would take time and energy on my part.
I think I'll need to figure out how much it actually matters to me and either put in some time on it or move on.
I also may be allowing myself to be too heavily influenced by professionally created, polished images of people.

SHOULD: My home should be tidier. I should know where everything is and each room should be aesthetically pleasing.
RESPONSE: Despite it not meeting those ideals, my home is kept up reasonably well, is clean and homey, and functions just fine.
It would take me a good bit of time to achieve that ideal (like my father I take a lot of time to get a thing done - we do things slowly!) - would I be willing to give up time from my hobbies in order to make it happen? I would enjoy a nicer looking home but would I enjoy other aspects of life as much if I took out time to maintain that?
Although I am not a naturally organized person, I do feel better when things are tidy and simplified - so I could create a goal from this 'should' while at the same time reminding myself that the ideal is not necessary for a happy family or happy self.
GOAL: To take time in small chunks to improve something in our home. In this way I can improve the tidiness or order, or simplify things, in a slow but steady manageable way. My home will not likely look 'ideal' but it can improve without me having to sacrifice too much time or getting overwhelmed.

SHOULD: I should do more, accomplish more, multitask better...
RESPONSE: In thinking this over I realized that much of this is coming from comparing myself to others rather than actually wanting to do more things. There are some things I truly HAVE wanted to do and I did already add them into what I do.
I do not need to work at a paying job to be working hard or to prove value.
I do know that multitasking is not my strength and I can provide better care for my child, husband and household if I have my full focus on home. I don't have to be good at everything. My strengths do lend well to being a good mom and spouse. I can think about an outside job when the children are older and there is less to do at home.
I don't have a career I am currently itching to get into - any job I take would just be work for works sake and why would that be a better thing to do?
What is good for me? What is good for my family?
Remember that I discovered much of this should is a result of comparison rather than a genuine desire to add more work to what I do. It also reflects some of my insecurity over jobs and personal independence...that personal insecurity will not be fixed by adding more work to my current load.

SHOULD: I should be able to understand more, like meetings with the bank or other organizations (I don't take in verbal info very quickly, and sometimes even forms and written explanations are a bit of a mystery to me).
RESPONSE: Actually I kind of still feel like I should be able to grasp these things better. My husband tends to understand these things but it annoys me to rely on him as my 'interpreter'.
I don't know if there is something I can do to get better at this or if it's just something I'm not great at. Concentration is not my forte and I think it would be very useful in these situations.


There are several others shoulds but I think that's enough for now :)

MapleLane
Posts: 35
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Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

Post by MapleLane » Sat Nov 30, 2013 12:01 am

NinjaFrodo: Your personal insight and growth is commendable!
Thank-you for sharing on the forum some of your painful experiences and context for some of your struggle. If only we could go back in time and take you out of those situations.
At a time when family should have been building you up and nurturing you they did the very opposite. Just from what you share in this forum we can see a man who has forged on and is building his own self up. And has already built himself into a caring, thoughtful, insightful, fun person. That takes a lot of strength and character.

I also think of your kindness toward me as I learned better coping skills, your leadership in bringing this group together, the insights you share both in your own growth and relating to each of ours, and your sense of fun - for example when we laughed about kale birds :) did you manage to photograph any look-alikes?


I'm so glad you are starting to internalize all the positive things people express about you!

That was a good point about making clear the difference of how you might feel (badly) and the actual reality (people wanting to interact with you).

Even when your insights are regarding situations different from my own I often learn from them as you express the context of your insight and ways you are thinking about things. I can often then see better where changing some of my thinking can help me. So I like the way you share these things.

Btw, I also really like that success picture :)

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