Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

[Ninjafrodo2]

Wow we've already almost done a whole month of this program! Or at least we will be at the 1 month mark at the end of this week, how amazing is that?

So we've looked at the symptoms, we've looked at and find new skills for handling anxiety and depression feelings and body symptoms, we've started to develop some new skills with changing our thoughts and now its time for Expectations!!! How great is it that this lesson comes right after we get both the skills to handle anxiety attacks and the thought replacement? Its so easy to think that we need to do things much much more than we are doing them now in order to get better but this week we're going to look at things in more of a realistic way when it comes to how we go about doing things as well as how other people do things and how the world does things.

I'm really interested to see the progress we all make and what new revelations we come up with!


Mike

[THH]

Expectations... Am I over reacting???? LOL....

I didn't listen or read this lesson yet today. I'll post tomorrow. It is a good one.

[Ninjafrodo2]

So I listened to lesson 4 today and I had to laugh about the part where one of the people in group actually commented on how she was shoulding all over herself about how she was doing the skills in the program and that she needed to do them better....yeah thats been me! Especially with catching the thoughts....I have been doing the meditation, I've been doing the action assignments, listening to the cds, spending time each day focusing on the present moment and reading through the workbook stuff on top of doing other self-improvement things outside the program, I'm doing alot but because of the negative focus, I could only see what I wasn't doing and really that is what was stressing me out the last 2 weeks!!!

I also realized that because I had these high expectations that I wasn't meeting, I missed out on some of the positive changes...for instance, I am not feeling the lethargy on a daily basis which was something that was going on before redoing the program. Even though I had more anxiety, I also experienced more peace than I had been feeling before the program, I felt more connected while in a couple social situations, I don't feel such an intense spike of anxiety or negative emotion as I had before, I have also been strongly triggered many times and it was a bit easier for me to accept those things as well as sit with them and live through them, I was able to handle the strong emotional responses that they brought alot easier and have compassion for myself while they were coming up.

My last trigger a friend of mine on facebook had brought up my X's name and immediately I was flooded with this intense negative emotion, a rush of heat went through my body and I immediately said "No" to the thoughts and feelings as I resisted what was coming up but then I let myself be aware of the feelings, I let myself be aware of the situation and I felt such a deep compassion for myself than I have ever felt before. What I said to myself was "of course you are upset, for such a long time you haven't felt love or a connection, that need wasn't being fulfilled but then you met this guy and you at least partially felt it but then it ended and now you are without it again and its alright to feel upset about that!" I didn't change the thought right there I just accepted it and felt compassion for my own suffering and I connected with myself and it actually felt like a parent was comforting me as if I was a child, it was warm and loving and it all came from me!!! I really love that feeling and I want to develop this more so I can give this to myself at anytime and so I don't need to rely on anybody else for it.

Also what I noticed is how my expectations of other people and how they should have reacted and responded to me had made me feel really anxious and well it ruined that halloween party for myself and I ended up continuing to carry those negative feelings because of that! I did that to myself, those people didn't do that to me and they didn't owe me the responses that I expected from them.

My biggest expectation I think is to find people that make me happy but now I really don't think it works that way, happiness really does seem to be an inside job ...if I am in a really negative state of mind and someone tries to make me feel better, it likely will just end up in me not accepting it or feeling what they say and instead just dismiss it, if i'm feeling disconnected, people cannot just turn that connection feeling back on...it comes from my perception and people can't just go into my head and switch that for me, I have to do that myself.

For the most part, i'm really excited about this lesson (I haven't been this excited about the program and the progress ever before like this when I've gone through it). I feel excited about improving on my abilities to calm myself down and make myself feel better, i'm excited about cultivating my ability to be compassionate and how all of this is going to help me to achieve my goals and build me up to be the person that I've always wanted to be, the person I truely am at my core!


Mike

[forever young 06]

THH I am so glad you got a good report at the Dr. Wow you do have a good Dr is this a regular MD sounds like a physicarist (spelling). Yes it is okay to use the zanax it is to help you get thru the rough times and as your skills get better you will not need it. I know how you feel about being afraid you will have to have a heart cath that is my worst fear. Is your Dr far away from you? I go to DRs that are local but if I need special testing I may have to go a 100 miles away and with my agrophobia that stinks. This is why I need to seriously get over this I have been this way too long. But I can't get over it over night patience but that is not one of my strongest point.

Mike good job with your expectations and being kind to yourself I think you are doing really well. Keep up the good work. I feel like I don't have a lot of high expectations of my self worst thing I have given up on a lot of my life. I am just accepting things like they are maybe not a good thing but it brings less stress. I am working on talking positive to myself rather than thought replacement. my biggest thing right now is working thru my physical symptoms and trying to see if they are caused by anxiety or what. I have had some better days when I have symptoms they don't last as long. I find I am holding my breath and then I try to breathe right for a few times. I find when I am focused on other things than my symptoms they go away. There are times when I have really felt good. I hope I get that feeling more often and for longer periods of time. I too need to learn to be my on best friend and safe person. I feel the same mike happiness comes from with in even a million dollars can't bring true happiness. I feel we have the false feeling that other people can make me happy or complete. I have been let down a lot by my husband and I have finally accepted things as they are. I too have confied in my sisters and they have let me down. when I start having my weird spells I want someone to tell me they have the same symptoms and I am okay. I have a dysfunctional family and nothing can change that this is not meaning my husband and daughter it is my sisters and brother. I must accept that and I can't change that. I need to learn I am my own safe person I can make myself feel better, I am strong, I am capable, I am able. These are my thoughts for today. I will let go and let god a line taken from Lucinda.

[Ninjafrodo2]

ForeverYoung;
Well you always got us here to confide in...you know that we have the same symptoms, maybe even just thinking about us or having something to remind you that we are like you could be beneficial to you...Like our names on a post-it or something.

You left a response in the last lesson and I don't know if you checked after that but I did respond to it. I do think you are doing what is right for where you are right now...you are doing the relaxation stuff and trying to be present moment living and I believe that is the most important aspect of this program and I know that the more you do that, the more aware you can become and it likely would make it easier for you to catch and replace thoughts later on. Perhaps right now doing that is not realistic for you and thats ok, maybe its better suited to later on and remember you can always come back to any of the lesson material at any time.



Mike

[coachchris]

Wow week 4 already. I completely missed lesson 3 but did get a chance to glance through some of the postings. You all are learning and applying many of the key concepts that are so powerful. 1) talking to yourself like you would a good friend. 2) being aware of your patterns, ie: all or nothing, mind-reading, shoulds. 3) choosing to let negative thoughts dissolve and replace with truth and compassion.

Continue to be patient with yourselves and celebrate every little baby step you make. By now the body 'should' be calming down a bit. See what patterns you are observing with the adrenalin and continue to practice your 6 steps. At this point we no longer want to be fearing the adrenalin but tracing it and learning from it. Do your basics, stay hydrated and practice your relaxation cd:)

One pattern I see a lot of with lesson 4 is the codependent behavior many of us exhibit. For whatever reason (and there are many) we have relied on others to make us happy/content/protected/valued. I grew up in a 'silent' home where there wasn't a lot of communication and connection. Because of that I leaned toward codependent behaviors and lacked self-esteem. I met my husband in the 9th grade and then my codependency really took off. I had all kinds of 'shoulds' for him and it about ruined us until I made the decision to begin to take responsibility for my own feelings. This is one of the hardest objectives from this lesson and yet the most freeing. We have the understanding now to manage the adrenalin, the knowledge to replace lies with truths and the desire to take responsibility for how we feel. Turn your good shoulds into goals and map out your baby steps. Slow and steady. Don't let anyone stop you. You're in the drivers seat. Choose to live your life.
Prayerfully,
Coach Chris

[THH]

I listened to session 4 today. Expectations of self and friends, family are things I defiantly can identify with. I have done a lot better in this area with should, and being stuck in the perfect performance.
I am starting to realize something that is new for me. That is these thoughts are not real! Not based on facts. Feeling again a bit like Ken, identifying these misbeliefs is huge!
Shoulds, You should do this or react like that. This person said I should be this or that. It is all based on someone else's perception.
No wonder I do not feel understood. Some of my ideas are different.

I have gotten lazy in protecting myself. I have let other peoples shoulds become my perception and not picking the ones that work for me.

For me, I need to keep a couple people in my family at a greater distance as I need to be more assertive. Example:
I'm sick or just got home from the dentist or doctor. My mother calls, rather than tell her everything and get my emotions all worked up, explaining everything, trying to get her to understand, I need to say I'll call you back later. Be very selective on what I tell her. I have to be sure and confident in order to not cause her to be overly concerned. If she challenges me with untrue talk I have to be able to keep in the present moment and except this is how she is, rather than work so hard in changing her perspective. It is okay, we still love each other.

I think this lesson is broad, but family does seam to get involved at this point in expectations.
Husbands too.

[THH]

Foreveryoung.
YES I do have a wonderful doctor. I have had him 10 years or better. He is a year older than myself. He is a Internal Medicine Dr. I drive or have a driver if possible 45 mins. to 1 hour to see him. He has helped me learn about many things, a good teacher. I have worried many times that he was going to kick me out of his practice because of this darn anxiety and not taking things he has prescribed. Listening to other people as I discussed my heath worries with them. Then run to him with new things that I never thought of on my own. He has always made me feel good when I leave, and forgives me when I call him in a panic! It is hard getting an appt. never the same day but it has been teaching my that this is not an emergency.

I so want to not do this to him, or anyone. Especially to myself. I am working hard on getting after this anxiety crap but it is a challenge.
You are too! It will not go away over night, and patience is a lesson we are all learning as well. We think to fast, and not always the right thoughts. The relax tape is good and at times I have trouble playing it because I want to do something else. I am always glad after and it is good to slow these thoughts down.

[THH]

Mike,
I am like you, even though I still feel anxiety it is not those spikes of intense anxiety. Have you caught those thoughts that are just plain not true? Some of my thoughts are debatable, but some are just plain not true. I have no idea why or how they got put in the shuffle, but they are just filler. LOL...
Happiness IS a inside job. I like your pictures...
I too have times I feel excitement when I get though something with more ease than my usual.
I'll read my book now.

Coach Chris,
Good you checked in with us, and that codependent behavior is good to bring up. I too grew up in a silent home. Spent much of the time alone, entertained myself. My mother and father did not seam to have a happy marriage. My father worked all the time and my mother did not have much skills to communicate with me. My fondest memories are with my grandma who basically raised me, and showed me love. My parents ended their marriage when I was a teenager. I do not think I had any real skills to go out in the world with, but thankfully God kept me safe. Whish I had this kind of program in school.

Thanks for your messages they are encouragement!

[Ninjafrodo2]

You know I was listening to the lesson cd again and what jumped out at me today is that the high expectations happen because of low self-esteem. The way I understand how that works is that, if we have a hard time getting ahold of our thoughts and feelings, if we don't know how then we try to control the outside world in order to try to avoid having certain thoughts and feelings....ie. If the people in our lives do the things that make you happy then you avoid getting upset and triggered by anxiety or anger or something....I think its also a way to get our basic needs met but we try to get it from others as well because we can't seem to give that to ourselves...ie. A feeling of worthiness, feeling valuable, cared about and loved. The thing is though, life cannot work in a way that will never trigger you and people cannot make you feel anything that isn't already inside you and it can't make you feel anything that you aren't opened to...have you ever felt upset and people tried to make you feel better but it didn't make any effect and it just felt empty? Thats why!

That being said, I seem to have been caught in this trap with expecting a certain person on a dating site to respond to me because the guy said he wanted to hangout but then stopped talking and said he was busy but then I saw him online on that website and I made myself feel bad, angry, resentful...and in all reality he owes me nothing! Whats cool though is that I've done some thought replacement and I have allowed myself to feel hurt and feel bad when I do see him online and it seems to have less and less of an effect than the beginning. I've also been able to bring compassion to myself and really look at why its bothering me and what needs I'm trying to fulfill through him that it seemed were about to be fulfilled but now aren't and I accept that and own my feelings and it feels good when I do that.


Thank you very much coachchris for your support and encouragement...I'm really glad that you had mentioned about little baby steps it really does help to keep the expectation of our progress to something realistic.

I also like how you are able to give us some kind of indication of what is realistic to expect from where we are in the program (I'm refering to the part about the body calming down a bit), I never had that any of the other times going through the program but it definately helps, I had always gotten stuck as to how to evaluate my progress...but yeah my body is definately alot calmer than 3 weeks ago, i'm definately feeling it and I think i'm kind of getting addicted to meditation or rather I just feel good about it.

If you don't mind, would you care to explain the difference between a co-dependant relationship and a non-codependant one? I know a bit about it but it still throws me off...I can say my last 2 were like that and it didn't work out well but i'm not exactly sure what a healthy relationship looks like.