Stress Center Peer Support

Well..this will probably be really embarrassing to write about...but I will do it anyway. I know I have depression and anxiety but even when I was a kid I wasn't happy either. When I look back at pictures of myself you could see it in my face how sad I looked--it just looked like there was something wrong with me. I'm sure I was anxious too but.....lately I keep hearing this voice in my head that says..." Well..what do you expect?" I got teased as a kid growing up on my block....people were just not nice to me...if i wanted to play they would run away. How nice is that? Like I was a leper or something...so cruel.

It stuck with me, especially the time when the kids called me an "ugly dog". I am mad at myself as well because I could've walked away--instead I let them say these things!!! WHY didn't I answer them back! I thought well--if I keep quiet then they will let me stay and hang out with them ----I wish I could go back in time and just knock some sense in to myself. I wanted people to play with so bad but it was tooooo hard. Like Lucinda says... you shouldnt have to try sooo hard to have a friend.
Unfortunately this type of behavior followed with me all throughout my early adult life...it was always sooo difficult for me to just have friends. I'm sometimes so embarrassed that I let this type of thing happen to me---I felt like I was just a joke to some people AND sometimes I still feel the same exact way now. I honestly am so tired of keeping silent---All I want to do is speak up for once in my life --especially with someone who has just treated me the same exact way right in front of my house. How does one handle this???!!!!!!!!!!!! All I have been doing is crying all day. It hurts.

I am so sorry to hear this! I know how much it hurts to be teased and left out. I know how it feels to be ashamed of myself, too. It's very difficult. But go easy on yourself. . . .
Sometimes it helps to do something nice for yourself. (For example, today I bought myself a simple, little bouquet of flowers. . . .)
When I am home and low on "umph", I might wrap up in a soft blanket, watch a light comedy-- and enjoy the jokes!
Other things that have helped are: giving myself a hug , going for a short walk or taking a long shower.
I hope my experiences, both good and bad, can be a little encouragement for you. Good luck

Thank you for sharing your post, I know it's a can be a tough thing to talk about. I appreciate your honesty so much, that's a very strong trait. You are not alone. I felt the same way for a long time, I was picked on alot at school, and even though I didn't see anything wrong with myself, I figured there must have been something if I got picked on so much. Thing is kids can be very cruel, because arguebly most kids care about fitting in and being liked and accepted. One of the easiest ways it seems to fit in is to block others out. It's unfortunate. In know in my mind it caused a lot of anxiety and feelings of depression and low self worth. And as Lucinda says I usually worked on the people who didn't like me the hardest. This led me to a lot of unhealthy relationships in friendships and in intimate. Alot of anxiety and depression from that too. I was kind of seeking out the situations I was in because I felt I wasn't good enough to have something healthy, normal whatever. I sought out people who reinforced that negative opinion I had of myself. It took me many years but I finally recognized that, got some help for myself, and now for the first time I'm actually building my own life. And you know what thats anxiety producing too lol, but my life is a lot better with these people gone. The reality is, these people are gone but their memories linger, the nasty hurtful things, the way people treated me and the guilt I have for not defending myself. It's been engrained in me for so long too. I try to remind myself that it's just a memory, it's not real anymore and I try to keep in mind I did what I could, I did the best I could. Somedays its easier than others, but I know it's true, even if some days it's harder for me to believe it. The past doesn't equal the future. I can't change the things that have happened but the future can be different. I try to do alot of nice things for myself and I try to treat myself the way I would want someone to treat me. That's the first step I think. You have to believe in yourself even when it seems the world is against you. It will take some time, some changes, but it will get easier. I promise, you will get stronger, the tears will stop. Try doing one nice thing for yourself today.

I was drawn to the subject in your post because I have been suffering a lot from depression and have been crying a lot. But after reading your post all I can say is I so admire your honesty and your courage. Everyone wants love and acceptance and we do what it takes to get that - that is nothing to be ashamed of. I am sorry you had to pay such a high price but the fact that you are here now speaks hugely for your character and your strength and your courage and I applaud you.