Stress Center Peer Support

I am trying to not be such a perfectionist but at the same time there are certain things that just plain bother me. For example, I have a roommate who is not nearly as neat or organized as I am. I have recently begun to let go of the stupid things that would really bother me, like him not putting the coffee table back into place after he does yoga in the living room, or not washing his dishes after himself (we have a housekeeper who comes a few times a week so it's okay to let them sit for a day or two), not closing the cabinets in the kitchen when he's done. These things don't bother me much anymore because I've told myself they are really not a big deal. But now he has decided to leave his shoes at the main entrance and it totally bothers me. I asked him today if he wouldn't mind putting them in his room and he tells me that he tries hard to be accomodating to all my requests but that I have to learn to compromise. I realize that I have high expectations and that I want everything to be done my way. However, this bothers me so should I just try to let it go or tell him when things bother me. This is where I'm confused. Where is the line between accepting and holding things inside? Guess I have a ways to go yet...

I am by no means an expert on this as I have a tendency to bottle my anger. I do have a roommate who does these same things though - except he doesn't do yoga...but stuff like leaving the cupboard doors open - which is just ridiculous in my opinion - are part of his modus operandi. So keeping all that in mind, I try to tell myself that I could lose him - as in kick him out - or get over it. Once in a while it still ticks me off but when I remind myself of the consequences of being too picky I get over it. Don't know if that helps or not but I hope it does.

that sounds really frustrating for you. I'd like to say it was great that you figured out what it was that causes this. Your high expectations. From the program we are taught about shoulds. It is our rules that determine how we react. If someone doesn't follow a rule we have then we may feel taken advantage of, angry, resentful, irritable and a bunch of other emotions.

You mentioned beginning to let go of stupid things that would really bother you and I may be wrong and if i am then please correct me. Those things are shoulds.

1)He should put the coffee table back into place after doing yoga

2)Wash dishes after himself

3)Close the cabinets in the kitchen when he's done.

It sounds like you got those ones under control .

The latest one would be;
4)He shouldn't leave his shoes at the main entrance.

I'm not going to tell you weather to let it go or tell him. But what i would suggest is to take that should and figure out the advantages and disadvantages of having it.

I'll give you an example. Lets say i had a belief that people should be nice to me.

My advantages would be;
-I'd feel good when people were nice to me
-I'd feel more secure if they were nice to me
-I'd have less anxiety
-I wouldn't have to worry about standing up for myself because i wouldn't need to
-I'd have a good sense of self-esteem


My disadvantages;
-I'd feel miserable when people weren't nice to me
-I'd feel taken advantage of
-I'd resent myself for letting someone not being nice to me
-I'd feel bad about myself
-I'd feel angry for a few days or even a few weeks after
-It would damage my self-esteem
-I'd be scared of it happening again
-I'd be more declined to go out socializing
-Since my rules werne't followed I'd feel like people aren't considerate
-I'd feel that people look down on me
-It would reafirm negative labels i have for myself like i'm bad, worthless...etc.

(to find out the disadvantages...ask yourself what happens if your rule is not obeyed. How do you feel? What does it mean about you? What does it say about your future)

This will help you decide if it is worth it to have that belief or not. If you decide that it is costing you more then benefitting you then maybe you can rewrite it.

ie. It would be great if people were always nice to me and most people are but not everybody is going to be nice to me. What they say doesn't reflect who i am as a person.


Hope this helps,

Mike

LearningToLive,

I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. I live with a not-so-neat blended family and it's really hard sometimes.

Specifically, about the shoes, I would suggest that you get a tray or shoe rack or mat to put shoes in by the front door. That would be helpful for visitors as well, and I think the dedicated space would make you feel better as well as let your roommate leave his shoes by the door.

I have a similar problem in that some of the guys in my family walk right out of their shoes when they come in the door. This means that the next person may trip over the shoes - I have done it several times when for instance I'm carrying groceries. I have asked them nicely many times to put their shoes just to the side... not happening. Now I just kick their shoes aside - hard - and sometimes I throw them outside and hope it will rain...

I figure if I actually twist or break my ankle falling over their shoes, I will use them as personal slaves until I'm back on my feet again. Meanwhile, I try to not take it personally.