Are there any single people out there who have difficulty maintaining a relationship for any length of time? I've suffered from social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and I've never had a relationship last more than 2 years. In the past 5 years or so, it's gotten even worse. I think the main reason for it is a combination of extremely low self-esteem and extremely high expectations of how whatever guy I happen to be dating at the time should behave.
It's always the same scenario. I meet someone and we hit it off. Everything is great for awhile, and then something happens. He doesn't call as often as I think he should. He might cancel a date because of some work or family obligation. I start keeping a mental checklist in my mind of all the things he's doing wrong. Many are things I should let go, but I start obsessing in my mind about how he should be doing this or that. Ultimately I either give up and break up with him, or act in a way that drives him away. I became so jaded a couple years ago that it seemed easier to just stop even trying to meet anyone, and as a result I haven't been on a date in 2.5 years. The sad thing is that I've become fairly comfortable with being alone. But that's no way to live, and I'm hoping to change that.
I think I've always known on some level that the problem is with my mindset, but I never knew how to change my thought pattern. I'm finding that this program is really helping me to not think so negatively, and I'm hopeful that when I do start dating again, it will be a much different experience than in the past. Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Difficulty Maintaining a Relationship
Hi there, Kat. I can totally relate. I find it very hard to be in a relationship. They all require a lot of work and a lot of compromise. I think deep down we are afraid of giving someone all of ourselves, so we start to turn everything around on the other person. What are they doing wrong? Why didn't they call? Are they lying? Are they cheating? What are they doing? Etc. It's exhausting, but it isn't the end of the dating world. I truly believe that upon finding the right person, things will click and you will be able to give all of yourself. Don't give up yet! If you're comfortable now being alone, enjoy that comfort, but keep in mind that someday you will meet someone when the time is right. I know we've all heard that before. I wouldn't blame so much of your failed relationships on yourself, because after reading what you wrote, I do see a lot of blame and self-hatred. Give yourself some slack here!
And also, I have an aunt who lives alone. She's very successful and has a great career and a really nice home. She's just the type of person who does just fine by herself. Learn to like who you are and where you are in your life! Things will happen in the right time.
And also, I have an aunt who lives alone. She's very successful and has a great career and a really nice home. She's just the type of person who does just fine by herself. Learn to like who you are and where you are in your life! Things will happen in the right time.
hugs&kisses,
Karilynn
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
"How you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. And, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big test followed by one big lesson. In the end, it all comes down to one word: grace. It's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, darkness and the light."
Karilynn
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
"How you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. And, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big test followed by one big lesson. In the end, it all comes down to one word: grace. It's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, darkness and the light."
Thanks for the response, Karilynn! It's definitely tough to shut off the feelings of self-loathing and insecurity once they're there, but I'm really excited about all the tools I'm learning in this program. I'm already finding that I'm much more comfortable interacting socially with co-workers and even strangers than I ever was before, so I'm hoping that will translate to dating as well.
I can identify with this. Over the years, my "long-term" relationships have gotten shorter and shorter. First marriage, 8 years. Next serious relationship, 5 years. Second marriage, 4 years. It's even gotten to the point where I don't have any friends. I have acquaintances & co-workers, but nothing you could label a support system. Like you, I'm concerned about how easy it is for me to be alone. Some days it's all I can do to get myself to work, because I don't want to be around people. I'm learning about expectations.
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Mary Wargo
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:37 pm
I think the key is to ask yourself if you really enjoy your own company and really don't feel a need to be around other people all the time, or if being in a relationship or being around other people actually is a social anxiety causing situation. I for one very much enjoy my own company but get sucked into the "should" thoughts of what society thinks I "should" be doing to be happy. Like- "I really enjoyed the solitary hike in the mountains today but then so and so mentioned "Don't you want to hike with a group? It's much more fun." etc. etc. Fun for who? Fun for them maybe. It's so difficult sometimes to determine if your doing something because other people think you should or if you truly are following your own heart.
This is a constant struggle for me. I am 39 years old with 2 children. I have been divorced for almost 6 years now with no serious love interest. My parents as well as many of my friends are always trying to fix me up with people or get me to join dating services but I don't want to. I am somewhat comfortable being alone. I mean I'm never really alone anyway because of the kids. DAting makes me absolutely anxiety ridden. I have a male friend that we sort of just are friends with benefits and that works for me. I don't want someone around trying to fix me all of the time. I need to learn to fix myself and accept myself for who I am. My dad is always trying to make me feel like I'm not pushing myself or I'm not getting enough out of life. I have a master's degree, I am an excellent teacher, and I'm living in a beautiful home with 2 beautiful children. For me, that works. I'm not a big risk taker. I like things simple and predictable. I don't want to be bothered with the burdens of building and then keeping a relationship. WHat does this say about me, I'm not sure?
So I'm not the only one? *lol*
I didn't really start dating until after high school and have never had a long-term relationship (I'm 27 now). In fact, I just broke up with my last boyfriend (we were together about two and a half months). He was (is!) a terrific guy: thoughtful, considerate, kind, funny, but my anxiety was so extraordinarily high during our time together - and I was terrified of sex - that I realized (during a bout of maaaaajor depression) that I have to get better before I can be with anyone. I have to focus on myself before I can focus on myself AND someone else.
I'm listening to Session 4 right now. Lucinda just said, "We like to blame someone." I blame myself for the ending of my relationship because I was so overwhelmed by anxiety and depression. I didn't worry about my now-ex-boyfriend calling me or about whether he was cheating; rather, I worried about what could possibly happen in the future and about sex and about "Am I making him happy?" to the point where I wasn't happy at all. I was miserable. Now that I'm single again, my anxiety has lessened considerably. I am focusing hardcore on getting better, on beating my depression and anxiety disorders.
My thought now is that, once I've learned some skills and am feeling better about myself, I can try to do a relationship again. I am not afraid of dating, but I am afraid, I guess, of being "with" someone, like, forever. I'm not "hiding out," but I am focusing on myself and on getting better. I hope that makes sense. It feels like the right thing for me to do. I'm trusting in God to lead me down the right path.
I didn't really start dating until after high school and have never had a long-term relationship (I'm 27 now). In fact, I just broke up with my last boyfriend (we were together about two and a half months). He was (is!) a terrific guy: thoughtful, considerate, kind, funny, but my anxiety was so extraordinarily high during our time together - and I was terrified of sex - that I realized (during a bout of maaaaajor depression) that I have to get better before I can be with anyone. I have to focus on myself before I can focus on myself AND someone else.
I'm listening to Session 4 right now. Lucinda just said, "We like to blame someone." I blame myself for the ending of my relationship because I was so overwhelmed by anxiety and depression. I didn't worry about my now-ex-boyfriend calling me or about whether he was cheating; rather, I worried about what could possibly happen in the future and about sex and about "Am I making him happy?" to the point where I wasn't happy at all. I was miserable. Now that I'm single again, my anxiety has lessened considerably. I am focusing hardcore on getting better, on beating my depression and anxiety disorders.
My thought now is that, once I've learned some skills and am feeling better about myself, I can try to do a relationship again. I am not afraid of dating, but I am afraid, I guess, of being "with" someone, like, forever. I'm not "hiding out," but I am focusing on myself and on getting better. I hope that makes sense. It feels like the right thing for me to do. I'm trusting in God to lead me down the right path.