I know that's not the lesson here but I get that sense. Expect less, expect that people will disappoint you, etc. But I get annoyed and offended at things, I can't help it. Why should my feelings be invalidated and disregarded?
Today I went to lunch with some coworkers. I thought I would have a nice time but they left without me and didn't even leave a note (they left a note for someone else). I know that I probably looked annoyed and upset (I try hard but don't have a poker face at all) and didn't have a good time (though I tried too).
I thought of the lesson but it didn't really help. Should I be happy that they were rude to me, and that no one cares, and that it just reaffirmed for me that people meet my expectations of being uncaring and unkind? Not sure how to work with this one.
So it's okay for people to treat me poorly?
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sunnyweather
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Sat Sep 02, 2006 10:12 am
I'm going to attempt an answer for you, Leda, and please understand that I come from my heart.
When you do NOT have expectations of others you are NOT hurt. It's normal to have some expectations but in the long run you will always be hurt. You are in victim mode right now and I suspect you have been for a long time. This is very common for phobics (until we wake up!)
Any expectations - one way or the other - of other people will always disappoint you. No one - not one single soul - can always meet your needs. That's way too much to ask of anyone. Just as you can not always meet others needs.
If others have hurt you it sounds like it is time to become assertive and let people know exactly how you feel (without hurting anyone back). Pull out your assertiveness tape and listen to it. Do the workbook exercises until you finally "get it".
Don't be a victim. Speak up for yourself and learn to expect less from others. You'll find that you actually receive more. Take care of your own needs. Find people who will not deliberately hurt you. When you begin to heal the ones who abused you will leave your life. Welcome that change because it is a sign of growth. Sometimes our friends grow with us, sometimes not.
Pull out tape 3 and really listen to how important positive self talk is. All the time use soothing, comforting phrases to yourself. You are talking to your inner child. She needs your love even when you don't feel loveable.
You'll make it. Persevere. Don't ever give up on your journey to heal.
When you do NOT have expectations of others you are NOT hurt. It's normal to have some expectations but in the long run you will always be hurt. You are in victim mode right now and I suspect you have been for a long time. This is very common for phobics (until we wake up!)
Any expectations - one way or the other - of other people will always disappoint you. No one - not one single soul - can always meet your needs. That's way too much to ask of anyone. Just as you can not always meet others needs.
If others have hurt you it sounds like it is time to become assertive and let people know exactly how you feel (without hurting anyone back). Pull out your assertiveness tape and listen to it. Do the workbook exercises until you finally "get it".
Don't be a victim. Speak up for yourself and learn to expect less from others. You'll find that you actually receive more. Take care of your own needs. Find people who will not deliberately hurt you. When you begin to heal the ones who abused you will leave your life. Welcome that change because it is a sign of growth. Sometimes our friends grow with us, sometimes not.
Pull out tape 3 and really listen to how important positive self talk is. All the time use soothing, comforting phrases to yourself. You are talking to your inner child. She needs your love even when you don't feel loveable.
You'll make it. Persevere. Don't ever give up on your journey to heal.
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Guest
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Guest
Thank you for your replies, Boon and Tanzanite.
I have to admit that I still don't fully understand the concept. I'm not sure how I can begin to trust people and try to make friends if people aren't even courteous--and I don't expect them to be??
Should I not be expecting anything, ever? Isn't that kind of discouraging, and the opposite of all the positive self-talk?
I have to admit that I still don't fully understand the concept. I'm not sure how I can begin to trust people and try to make friends if people aren't even courteous--and I don't expect them to be??
Should I not be expecting anything, ever? Isn't that kind of discouraging, and the opposite of all the positive self-talk?
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Guest
Hi Leda
You sound like such a nice person and I completely understand where you are coming from. It sometimes makes you wonder if people are from another planet. How can they be so hurtful and inconsiderate to someone else and not know it???
It is not that you are supposed to ignore it or pretend it does not bother you, the point is how YOU choose to deal with it. You have 2 choices you can either assertively say something or you can choose to not let what other people do effect you so negatively.
Remember "LAWS OF CHANGE": We cannot get others to do what we want.
Ask yourself if it was intentional (them leaving you behind)are these the people who are worthy of you??
I hope this helps!
Dont give up on your road to recovery.
You sound like such a nice person and I completely understand where you are coming from. It sometimes makes you wonder if people are from another planet. How can they be so hurtful and inconsiderate to someone else and not know it???
It is not that you are supposed to ignore it or pretend it does not bother you, the point is how YOU choose to deal with it. You have 2 choices you can either assertively say something or you can choose to not let what other people do effect you so negatively.
Remember "LAWS OF CHANGE": We cannot get others to do what we want.
Ask yourself if it was intentional (them leaving you behind)are these the people who are worthy of you??
I hope this helps!
Dont give up on your road to recovery.
OOh this has happened to me. The exact same thing actually. All the gals at work have talked about going to lunch and I've felt in on it, but when it comes to going, they all leave before me (they're in a different wing of the office) and I end up trailing behind! It is so frustrating.
This is how I've dealt with it. I've realized since they are just coworkers and not close friends, I'm not going to let myself be too bothered by it. Sure it is inconsiderate but I'm not about to let it ruin my day. I just let it go with them though. If it was with people I'm closer too, like friends, I'd be assertive with them on it.
You're not allowing people to treat you poorly. It's more like choosing your battles. Choosing when you need to be assertive and choosing when to just let things slide and not let it bother you. Even with lower expectations we still decide who to be close to in life and those that are inconsiderate usually don't make the cut!
This is how I've dealt with it. I've realized since they are just coworkers and not close friends, I'm not going to let myself be too bothered by it. Sure it is inconsiderate but I'm not about to let it ruin my day. I just let it go with them though. If it was with people I'm closer too, like friends, I'd be assertive with them on it.
You're not allowing people to treat you poorly. It's more like choosing your battles. Choosing when you need to be assertive and choosing when to just let things slide and not let it bother you. Even with lower expectations we still decide who to be close to in life and those that are inconsiderate usually don't make the cut!
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Guest
Leda
The thing about this lesson teaches us to expect less...part of what this means is that you don't expect people are thinking in a specific way, it is also a way to teach you how to prevent jumping to conclusions.
You are perfectly justified to feel like you are disregarded, that people are rude to you, that nobody cares, to feel annoyed and upset as well... If you perceive the situation like that.
How would you feel if you were to hope for your favorate tv show to be on? Try picturing it in your head with your eyes closed.
Now how would you feel if you expected it not to be on?
Do you feel more empowered, stronger, happier, loving..etc when you are expecting or when you are hoping?
As for that belief that no one cares and that people are uncaring and unkind is something I was struggling heavily with myself. I know exactly how you are feeling and with myself, this belief actually stemmed from being abused and nobody doing anything about it.
Mike
The thing about this lesson teaches us to expect less...part of what this means is that you don't expect people are thinking in a specific way, it is also a way to teach you how to prevent jumping to conclusions.
You are perfectly justified to feel like you are disregarded, that people are rude to you, that nobody cares, to feel annoyed and upset as well... If you perceive the situation like that.
How would you feel if you were to hope for your favorate tv show to be on? Try picturing it in your head with your eyes closed.
Now how would you feel if you expected it not to be on?
Do you feel more empowered, stronger, happier, loving..etc when you are expecting or when you are hoping?
As for that belief that no one cares and that people are uncaring and unkind is something I was struggling heavily with myself. I know exactly how you are feeling and with myself, this belief actually stemmed from being abused and nobody doing anything about it.
Mike