Stress Center Peer Support

Hi everybody. I am new at openning up to people, and new to the program. My family has already noticed a huge difference in me, although I had to do sessions 1 and 2 twice, and am just starting on session 3 two days ago. My problem is that I see a difference, but today is particularly hard and it is like nothing I have learned is helping. I have had diagnosed depression for 20 years, but was severely depressed way before being diagnosed at age 19. I am 39 now. Medications do not help my anxiety - this I know because I have been on nearly every one of the older antidepressants, and the newer ones make me crazy for real. Lexapro just doesn't do anything to me. prozac gives me bad ups and downs, and Trazadone only makes me sleep. Can't take Paxil, Welbuterin, Welbuterin XR, Zoloft, and countless others that have serious side effects. Am supposed to take Lyrica for my Fibromyalgia pain, but it is addictive, so I take it as needed instead of regularly. I do great with my Fibromyalgia and have learned to control my pain episodes. I just can't understand, nothing. I can't understand nothing today.
i know I may be feeling sorry for myself, and keep telling myself I have a right to be upset and sad, but htat I have to get passed this day, but I just don't think I can handle another episode today, and there has been one brewing, then exploding, then brewing more all day long since 6:00 AM, and it is now 8:00 PM.
My mom has alzheimer's, and my brother has Autism and he is 15, and my mom adopted him at age 3 months. he is my cousin by blood, my brother by law, and my youngest child by heart and time spent raising him the last 5 years. Today she hid her teeth, then it was my fault and I was called an unbearable b---- about 100 times throughout the course of the day. She tried to jump on my brother and make him go to bed at 5:50 PM and when I had to intervene she says she is going to take him and leave and burn this house down and kill us all. The problem? Although she has alzheimer's and is VERY agoraphobic, she is not letting go of it this time the way she usually does. Or forgetting rather. She is being very mean, and the hurtfull things she says really hurt like a knife. When I was 16 and she said she was going to kill me it hurt bad enough, but it seems like the abuse I take off her in her sickness hurts worse. She tells me things like she never wanted me, I have always been an unbearable, well, you know...and it is endless. She won't bathe any more, and it is hard to get her to eat. She would not write a will when she was diagnosed because her sickness was already well into the moderate stage before then. I am afraid, well, I know I will loose my brother if she goes to a nursing home, but I love her enough to know that at this point I am not helping her by keeping her home. I am also not helping my brother. He is repeating some of her bad things at school, but in the context that is towards the other students in his spec. Ed. class, as well as the teachers, and the principal. My sister is at work all the time, so she gets out everyday, and is usually gone on her days off. My older brother threw a brick at me when I took momma to the doc 7 years ago and had her diagnosed. He says I am crazy, and makes positive I know what he thinks of me. My whole life has revolved around her care for 5 years while I became (unbeknownst to me) agoriphobic myself, I avoid all activities that involve other people because I don't just think I will make a fool of myself, I really can not think or speak rationally around others now. It is like my head spins, my thoughts are racing out of my head, and instead of hearing what is being said to me, I just say off the wall things. I have to stop doing this to myself. I have to use the positive self-talk, but can somebody please help me out on that? I live with 5 people, and only two supports me and says I am not crazy, my fiance` and my 15 year old brother who is on the level of a 9 year old. I don't know how to choose, or if I should, and i could say the decision is killing me, but it is my thoughts that are doing that. or is it the need to accept that my mom does not really hate me? She has been sick since I was 12. I raised my little sister, my kids, and now my little brother. I feel like I can't go on being the only responsible person in my immediate family. what do I do? How do I counter these feelings? I filled my little spiral notebook in one day, it was WAY more than 300 negative thoughts, so that means I am having a negative thought about every 30 seconds. Today they are really negative. I want to live, but to really live again. I used to feel happy and optimistic even when I had anxiety, but in the last 5 years I have forgotten how to BE happy. I am wearing my dad's shoes that he left me 5 years ago, and they are too big in the extremes. I don't know how he handled it. Now I know why they fought so much, but it definitely does NOT make me feel any better. Any suggestions. Please, I will take any advice I can get. I am so lost, and if putting her into a home means my brother becomes a ward of the state, I'd rather die first.
Tina

Hello, Tina -
I, too, am new with the program and, like you, have suffered with depression for years.

You are obviously dealing with a lot and have every right to feel sorry for yourself and your situation. Problem is ... as long as you see yourself in the "victim" role, you will remain there. I know this because I do the same thing (as recently as yesterday). Writing out your issues is a great way to get them off your chest but now you must change your focus to the positive ... you need to find some way to get control of your thoughts and your life. Tell yourself you CAN and WILL take control (because you can and you will!). There must be a social/community service group that could help you look at options for your family -- maybe start with your doctor's office and ask for guidance or referral. I always find that taking action, actually DOING something, makes me feel like I'm getting a grip again. On Sunday, I was totally spun but got my feet back by pushing myself to just get out and go for a walk; I guess it just helps break the spin cycle of negative thoughts.

Hang in there and keep working the program. Believe in yourself, Tina. You are strong (you've come through a lot!) and you are going to get through all this -- one step at a time.

Canuck13

Tena-it sounds like you have been going through a very rough time. First of all, give yourself credit for not giving up and for trying to help yourself get through. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to use the skills we are learning in this program...there are those days when we just can't seem to overcome. Today is almost over, though. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe it will be a lot better for you. Keep reminding yourself that it took a long time to get to this point (anxiety disorder) and we aren't going to change overnight. Also, thank God for your brother that he has you in his life. Give yourself credit for that and for all that you are doing to take care of your family (despite the negative reactions you get from your brother, etc). Can you contact a lawyer to find our what your rights are as far as your brother is concerned if your mother goes in a home? I would think that they would be more likely to keep your brother in the care of a relative than to make him a ward of the state...also, can you talk to your mother's doctor? Is your mother on any medications? They may be able to put her on something to control her moods. Maybe even the doctor can advise you on how to make sure you get to keep custody of your brother...either way, if you haven't done it, you should talk to your mom's doctor about her current situation. Lastly, can you see if there is an Alzheimer's support group you can join? Kind of like this site, but specific to the problems of caregivers? It might help... You sound like a very strong person and even though it might seem like it today, you will get through this. Keep the faith.

Tina, Take some big deep breaths. I have been struggling with negative thoughts as well. One thing that really has been helping me is reading an inspirational book such as Joel Osteen. You probably dont have any alone time being that your are caring for your family. But you need to have some quiet time so you can clear your mind. You need to be congradulated for all that you do. One thing that I've recently realized is that as a woman we always try to be superwoman. It's ok if we don't make everyone happy. See that's why we become unhappy. We are to busy trying to keep the peace and making everyone else happy. Speak to a Pastor about the situation at home. I think this would help you a great deal. I will pray for you!!!

Dear Tena,
I think you have the classic caregivers stress. I deal with this a lot with my clients. I do financial planning and I help people figure out where to get the money from. Go to the internet and look up the National Association of Eldercare Attorneys. Because you live in the family home and care for a disabled relative you have special rights. Your mother's behavior is a symptom of her disease. Its not really her anymore. You should consider trying to find a facility that can properly care for someone with Alzheimers. I have been a very negative thinker but by writing down negative thoughts and then making them a positive thought it helped reprogram my brain for more happiness. The state does not want your brother , they would rather have you care for him in your home. Don't guess or ask your friends for legal advice go to an expert, make sure they also deal with medicare and medicaid issues. My husband sometimes curses at me and other drivers. I used to respond to him, now I ignore him and don't respond. I feel calmer and he is actually getting better. I finally have been able to quiet my brain by using the relaxation tapes. You might also force yourself to write down 10 good things about today. Try to see some humor in your mothers behavior. I bet that's easier said than done. I have friends with autistic boys that accomplished a lot. Track and field was good for them. Do something for yourself everyday.

Thank you all so much. I do feel better now. She does take medications. The thing is, I have a very wierd reaction to different medications, sometimes adverse reations, allergies, etc...and since my mom never took medications while I was growing up I assumed her resistence would remain low. Instead, she reacts much in the same ways that I do to most medications, therefore, it seems like they become weaker the longer she takes them, because her resistence goes higher. The types of drugs she can take are very limited because of her age of 74, and extremely small size at 4' 10" & 103 lbs. Xanax is not really safe in a situation with elderly taken regularly, that is why a geriatric patients is limited on the amount distributed for one 30 day period. Benzinine Family drugs (Clonazapram, Valium, etc...) can adversley affect the breathing of persons over 67.

I need to join a support group for caregivers, but would have to do it online. She will stay with my sister if we don't tell her I am going anywhere and give her time to get really suddenly sick on me so I can't go. Having someone from Hospice or my Local Agency for Aging come would be tramatic for her, but I am beginning to believe that it would be best.
My problem iwth getting custody of Brandon is that I am afraid his biological Mother may try to fight for him, and the judge is new, so doesn't know of all her past appearances concerning her children's neglect and abuse. She also has 5 children with varying behavior disorders, and one possibly Autistic as well. I am afraid the judge will be sympathetic and give him back to her. Brandon doesn't know abou the abuse, and I am a firm believer in not hurting kids with hard mean facts like that. He will find out, but I won't be the one to crush him by telling him that she had that little love in her heart for him. i could check with a lawer, but not many are offering free consutations these days around Columbus, I guess they are under the influence of the media hype about the economy. Not saying it isn't bad, but they are hyping it up a whole lot.

A Pastor would be a great idea, but I have to find one that is not hellfire and brimstone. unfortunately, the last Pastor that I respected and relied on advice from came to my house to pray over my son during a 7 month sickness. Before praying he explained that God was punishing me through Chad for my past sins. I can't listen to that either. I have a rather rough time dealing with the guilt over the pain I caused my family then without soemone trying to say God was punishing me after I had gotten recovered for 4 years. I believe in a Good Forgiving God that who lets us sometimes suffer the consequences for the bad things we do so we can learn a lesson, BUT, I do not believe that he would punish a child for the sins of his mother. Another religion I tried treated my mother as if she were a non-person, which I did not respect. I also know that most people do not believe in those ways, but it is still hard to get past all that. I will take your advise though. My brother recently made a friend who takes him to church, and I think it is a decent, good spiritual environment so far. Maybe his Pastor would make a visit.

I thank you all, and I am surprised at what good a little openning up to people is. I do feel better. I'm used to giving advice, but very bad at asking for it. That is part of my perfectionism that I am trying to get away from.
Thanks again, and
God Bless You All!!
Tina

This may be something that is way beyond what you are capable of dealing with without some help, especially as her condition progresses. You mentioned that she won't bath, and it is getting harder to get her to eat. This would cause immense stress in anyone in your situation. You can apply for legal guardianship of your brother if your mother goes to a facility. I would contact your county's social service dept. for information.