My Story

[AmandaJo26]

Hi to all!

I would like to share with everyone "My Story" I'm hoping that it will help others, and also make me feel good about letting it go.

I'll begin with, I'm not "cured" I still have mini panic attacks, and a racing heart from time to time. I still at times have obsessive thoughts, and and so on and so on.

I was raised in a VERY sheltered home. I wasn't able to spend the night at a friends house, have friends over, ride a school bus, and I wasn't able to visit with other family members IF my mom wasn't there. I was punished by the "silent treatment" My freedom came at 15 when I snuck out to the mall with my sister, and I could see what the inside of the mall looked like. It was even better at 16 when I finally went to the movie theater for the first time (with my mom, of course)

This was my life growing up. My Dad worked a lot, and he pretty much let Mom do whatever she wanted, if he agreed or not. Please don't get me wrong, I love my parents. My Dad passed away 3 years ago, and I miss him terribly. My Mom, I think just doesn't know any different. I have 7 brothers, and sisters. None of us tried drugs, smoked, had sex, or anything else until we were of age. We were a good family, and a close family.

This all changed after my Mom became hooked on the internet. She was talking to men much younger than she, and spent her days and nights on there making plans to leave the family. This happened when I was 16. This all seemed to happen in an instant. In what seemed like a split second, we didn't know anyone anymore. Everyone stopped talking to everyone about what was going on. It was a quiet, tension filled house, and we just waited for the explosion.

It turned out the closer that Mom was getting ready to leave, the more we found out what was going on. She started to talk to me a little more about it. It seems she sent this one man my picture. She was pretending to be me, and he was coming up from wherever he lived, to see me. I, at 16 had no idea what to do, or what to say.

Everyone found out about this, and not one person did anything to stop it. We continued to sit quietly. A few of us tried to talk to mom, but it didn't do any good. She screamed, yelled, and took off to get away from hearing about what she was doing.

I had a boyfriend at the time, and I thank God for him, because he was my best friend, and I don't know what kind of person I would be today, if he wasn't in my life at the time when this all happened. I also have guilt when I think of him now, because needing his love, and his kind words made me betray my Dad. I was told (from Mom) That I had to talk to her "boyfriend" just once on the phone, or she wouldn't let me talk to, or see my boyfriend anymore. I made the mistake, and did it. While on the phone with him, he made me promise that I would never apologize to him for being fat. I guess my Mom thought I was fat, and using my picture as herself, thought it best to apologize to her "boyfriend" for it.

It took a long time before I could forgive myself for making that call. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I felt trapped.

The explosion happened several weeks later, and she took off. She cried and tried to stop her, but she just pushed us aside. The family gathered together, and tried to figure out where she was going, because who knew how he was going to take the news she was WASN'T who she said she was. She came home a couple hours after she left, and broke down crying, and asked for forgiveness from my Dad, who took her back. I thought it was over. My brothers who were out looking for her, found her "boyfriend" and was more than a little upset about seeing my Mom, instead of me. He carried a picture of me in his wallet, and showed it to my brothers. He left peacefully, and seemed like a decent man, who was taken advantage of.

Mom and Dad were okay for about a day, and Mom was back on the computer, and doing what she did best. This time however, she didn't use me. She was herself. She wanted to be taken care of, but also wanted to do whatever the hell she wanted to. Dad put up with it, and after months of fighting, screaming, yelling, and all that. She left, and this time for good.

Dad wasn't in good health. He had to wear oxygen, and survived colon cancer, and he worked his butt off everyday to take care of us. He was broken after she left. They were married for 44 years when she took off. Dad was never the same.

I still lived at home, and I became the nurse, cook, and maid to my Dad. I didn't have a life of my own. I couldn't have a life of my own. I kept a relationship with both my parents while others completely wrote my mom off. My dad, I believe had ill feeling towards me for keeping in touch with Mom. He never said so, but I could see it.

At 18, I went to visit with my boyfriend (not the one from before, but my husband now) The family hated this. I was supposed to be home taking care of Dad. I shouldn't have a life. This is how I was treated. A few days after I left, I was informed that some people in the family convinced my Dad that I wasn't coming home, and that Dad was moving out, and in with my sister. I was shocked, and confused, and more hurt than anything else. What did I do to deserve this? I didn't have a job at the time, I had no place to go, until I could get up on my feet! My boyfriend (husband now) tried to get me to stay with him in WV, but I couldn't do that. I've never been anywhere else before. I was completely lost in what to do. Nobody would let me live with this till I got on my feet. The most I got was a free night of everyone's couch for weeks, until my sister took pity on me, and allowed me to stay with her. It worked out in the end. I married, and moved out, and started a life of my own with my husband.

All was good till I was realized I was 22 and married, and didn't know how to write out a check. All was good till I also realized that getting a job without a high school diploma was NOT easy. I was a teenager again, lost and confused, but told to act like an adult, and do adult things, but without the knowledge of knowing how.

Thankfully I have the most wonderful, understand husband I could ever ask for. He helped me in every way possible, and never once looked down on me.

Dad became sicker, and was told her had 6 months to live. I started to experience loud sounds going off in my head, (gun going off, fireworks) whatever scared me when I was trying to relax. He passed away 10 days later, and for a short period of time, I pretended he was still alive, and I could visit him anytime I wanted to. I then changed it to "Well, he was never around much, and I hardly knew him' Whatever I could say to make the pain go away. I hid my tears, and went numb. That is until the panic attacks started.

It started out the most terrible panic attacks ever. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see straight, I was hot, and then cold. My chest hurt. I had to use the bathroom a hundred times! It was insane, and almost every night.
I had to start leaving the tv on at night for sound, because I was afraid if it was quiet that I would think about my Dad, and what happened back then, and about death. I used the tv to take it all away.

I had the tv, I had my husbands arms when I was nervous. I tried prozac, and I figured out ways to stay "safe"

This has been going on for 3 years. I would say about 5 months ago, I started to take my life back. After my first panic attack, I was so scared of it, and that it was going to happen again, that I did whatever I was told to make it go away, and go back to how I used to be. I researched everything, and bought books about anxiety, and learned so much!

I bought the the program shortly after a few good panic attacks. It has helped me in so many ways. The reason I am so in love with the program is because I can listen to others speak about this too, and it shows me that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy, and that I am okay.

The reason for writing this letter is to share my story, and finally let it all out, and second, to share my ideas, and tips for panic episodes.

Anxiety to me, is NOT knowing yourself. It's not just the panic attacks, and spacey feelings. It's not knowing what makes us happy, and pretending that the pain isn't there. It's doing for others, and never for ourselves. It's not loving ourselves the way we should. We live with a stranger in our head who is mean to us! It's someone we don't know. It's someone we don't care to know who tells us daily we're not good enough, god doesn't love us, we're stupid, we're ugly, and fat. This is what anxiety is to me.

I don't wish to be "cured" from anxiety. We all have anxiety, and we always will. You can't be cured from that. I don't feel we have disorders, or mental problems, or sick people who think sick thoughts. We're lonely, lost, and scared. That is all we are. We've done our entire lives what is expected of us. I am my Mom, Dad, sisters, and brothers. I have hobbies that please others. I dislike music, movies, even people because I'm made to feel like I should, and we wonder why? why me? why panic attacks? why can't I just go back to the way I USED to be?! This is what we say to ourselves everyday.

I am much better now. I made it through terrible panic attacks at night, every night. I made it through obsessive thoughts about God, and death, and the afterlife, that drove everyone crazy, including myself! I'm not cured. I still have anxiety at night, because I'm used to have anxiety at night, but it is far from what it used to be. I still have thoughts about death, and god, and the afterlife, but who doesn't? It's not obsessive anymore. I'm more curious now, and less afraid of them.

I had a hard time with the program. I wanted to do everything perfectly. I did as I was told, and it didn't work for me. We are all different. Sometimes what works for some, might not work for others. Instead of talking calm during a panic attack, I had to get angry with the panic attack, and that worked for me. I take the plan seriously, but I also tweak it to work for how I am, and how I handle situations. Anxiety will always need to get worse before it will get better, that's how you know the program is working. Patience is really all we need.

We're all going to be okay. What is the worst that could happen? We have a panic attack, and go to the er, and feel silly, because it is JUST a panic attack? We can't drive alone, so we get someone to go with us? Big deal! You're driving! Take the car around the parking lot, alone, or around the block. Who cares what others think. It's OUR life. We have the right to be happy, and to laugh, and to pamper ourselves. We have the right to say no to someone, if we choose to. You need to feel the bad, and the good. We all have reasons why we hate ourselves, and do the things we do that upset us. Stop it. Let it get worse. Let it get as bad as it can get, and see that you made it. You didn't die, nobody hates you. If it gets as bad as it can get, and you made it through? That's the first major step in feeling better, and you should be so proud!

I hope that my letter helps. I want to be here for anyone who needs me to walk with them through this. I know how this feels, and I want to be the friend that helps guide you, and supports you through it all.

Please feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to talk. MandeeJo8219@aol.com

Amanda