On my way back to ME, slowly, but surely, one day at a time!
Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 3:25 pm
I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was 16. I'm now 36. I've had bouts that are worse than others over the years. I've also had Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. It all tied together. Over the years, I've learned to work with myself (notice I didn't say against myself) to blot out a lot of it. I also developed coping mechanisms, etc. I was doing pretty great with it all, so much so that I had even forgotten about it for most days and when it'd crop up I'd recognize and usually diffuse it.
About 5 mos ago a family member was a in a terrible accident. I didn't know how to cope, it was the first time something like that had happened in my life. I couldn't drive the hour to the hospital to see him, I couldn't drive others there, I had to admit to family members that I do have anxiety and it was just too much to go to the hospital. It left me feeling like a fool, that I couldn't really cope with the big things in life when they befall me, and that 'what if' and 'when' worse things happen, what will I do? I went from feeling pretty darn confident, to feeling like a child. For 3 months my anxiety symptoms returned of a lot of generalized feelings of unease, and just lacking confidence, and anxious a lot. Then a few months ago I had a panic attack over something at home involving food contamination (an obsessive fear that I would do something to contaminate our food or something) and it's escalated to ocd type anxiety and just a mess of worry, worry, worry for me.
It was so bad I couldn't sleep at night, just felt my body pumping fear out like a megaphone and was scared to death of the obsessive, scary thoughts I was having about doing something to harm myself or others. There was NEVER intent, just fear, fear, fear, that I'd 'flip' or something or 'blank out' and do something, it was just all so irrational.
When I drill down, it all has to do with my confidence in myself and how I started to feel lack of self control and how to handle things back during that accident. That's exactly when the anxiety avalanche started again. I also think that I'd felt so good for years that I had forgotten how easily the fear spreads to other areas of your life and how to cope.
I also found out I was pregnant in the midst of this stuff, so I think that's contributed to my high emotions and not feeling like I could deal with things. That was just 2.5 mos ago though, right during the onset of the ocd irrational stuff.
I got this program and have listened here or there, but am now deciding to try to commit to it. I've gotten a bit better on my own and am getting some of my confidence back, but I still have the lingering fear and unease a lot of the day and the ocd 'omg what if' symptoms love to crop up over the most irrational, stupid things! It's like I don't fear normal things because I trust God to take care of us, I just have been having high anxiety over the dumbest, irrational things, usually ones I'm in control of myself!
I just wanted to share my story and let you know there's hope. I've been without most the anxiety off and on throughout my life and it's possible! I am growing and changing each week and learning more about myself and my biggest thing now is frustration and patience to work this out of my system and get my mindset in a better place. I've found it's a negative habit and even an addiction to a thought pattern that gets us into these states. I've been watching the patterns and that's exactly how it goes. The times I'm able to 'step out of it', I can really see it and I feel powerful. You'd think a person could just recognize and 'step out' and in time I know I will (and you will, too), but it's baby steps of learning to recondition your thinking. Once you get your amygdala turned on (that's your primitive fear center, look it up) it kind of likes to act of it's own accord and freak out all the time. Your rational mind is like wth? But the amygdala has already seen a percieved threat and sent out alarms. Once you recognize this, it helps you to understand what is going on. The key is in calming yourself down, body and mind, and learning to calm the alarms before they get off and running. Then it will finally stop being such a hair trigger and imaginary armsman trying to 'protect you', but in essence scaring you and making you feel ill at ease all too often.
I wanted to share my journal entry for today. I've not been journaling much, I didn't really understand how, I guess, or maybe I just didn't want to see things in writing. But I've decided to journal about my self-discoveries, and maybe not write down all my negative feelings, or if I do I'll rip it out and throw that page in the trash!
Here's my discovery for today after listening to a session:
The very nature of ME, and all that I've been my entire life, along with God, protects me from the irrational things I've been fearing! My "me" protects me automatically! There is no need to fear or doubt myself or abilities in any way because behind the self-created cloud of fear - I'm me!
The worry I often feel is a habit, an addictive cycle, in reaction to stimuli, times of day, and habits, etc.
The way out of the fear is to stay in the present moment! Take relaxing breaths and relax my mind AND body. Recognize WHY I'm feeling anxious, then consciously UNDER-REACT and move along with my day. It may take a few minutes, but it will pass and I'll feel better.
End of journaling for today.
Also, it's helped me to know these things from when I got very much over anxiety in the past. It's the truth and it helped me then and it's helping me now. Writing this for you is helping me now and I hope something in here helps you! I'll be back to write more later this week. It's amazing how much better I feel when I step out of my own head and try to help others.
We will get through this together, and don't forget to PRAY!
P.S. I cried half the day from frustration from just having the anxiety issue back in my life. But I decided to listen to a session and do the relaxation CD and that helped me get my focus back, then I had a rational think about things and feel better. It may not last for days, or even hours, but if I feel the spiral again, I'll do it again and keep picking myself back up until I'm whole again.
About 5 mos ago a family member was a in a terrible accident. I didn't know how to cope, it was the first time something like that had happened in my life. I couldn't drive the hour to the hospital to see him, I couldn't drive others there, I had to admit to family members that I do have anxiety and it was just too much to go to the hospital. It left me feeling like a fool, that I couldn't really cope with the big things in life when they befall me, and that 'what if' and 'when' worse things happen, what will I do? I went from feeling pretty darn confident, to feeling like a child. For 3 months my anxiety symptoms returned of a lot of generalized feelings of unease, and just lacking confidence, and anxious a lot. Then a few months ago I had a panic attack over something at home involving food contamination (an obsessive fear that I would do something to contaminate our food or something) and it's escalated to ocd type anxiety and just a mess of worry, worry, worry for me.
It was so bad I couldn't sleep at night, just felt my body pumping fear out like a megaphone and was scared to death of the obsessive, scary thoughts I was having about doing something to harm myself or others. There was NEVER intent, just fear, fear, fear, that I'd 'flip' or something or 'blank out' and do something, it was just all so irrational.
When I drill down, it all has to do with my confidence in myself and how I started to feel lack of self control and how to handle things back during that accident. That's exactly when the anxiety avalanche started again. I also think that I'd felt so good for years that I had forgotten how easily the fear spreads to other areas of your life and how to cope.
I also found out I was pregnant in the midst of this stuff, so I think that's contributed to my high emotions and not feeling like I could deal with things. That was just 2.5 mos ago though, right during the onset of the ocd irrational stuff.
I got this program and have listened here or there, but am now deciding to try to commit to it. I've gotten a bit better on my own and am getting some of my confidence back, but I still have the lingering fear and unease a lot of the day and the ocd 'omg what if' symptoms love to crop up over the most irrational, stupid things! It's like I don't fear normal things because I trust God to take care of us, I just have been having high anxiety over the dumbest, irrational things, usually ones I'm in control of myself!
I just wanted to share my story and let you know there's hope. I've been without most the anxiety off and on throughout my life and it's possible! I am growing and changing each week and learning more about myself and my biggest thing now is frustration and patience to work this out of my system and get my mindset in a better place. I've found it's a negative habit and even an addiction to a thought pattern that gets us into these states. I've been watching the patterns and that's exactly how it goes. The times I'm able to 'step out of it', I can really see it and I feel powerful. You'd think a person could just recognize and 'step out' and in time I know I will (and you will, too), but it's baby steps of learning to recondition your thinking. Once you get your amygdala turned on (that's your primitive fear center, look it up) it kind of likes to act of it's own accord and freak out all the time. Your rational mind is like wth? But the amygdala has already seen a percieved threat and sent out alarms. Once you recognize this, it helps you to understand what is going on. The key is in calming yourself down, body and mind, and learning to calm the alarms before they get off and running. Then it will finally stop being such a hair trigger and imaginary armsman trying to 'protect you', but in essence scaring you and making you feel ill at ease all too often.
I wanted to share my journal entry for today. I've not been journaling much, I didn't really understand how, I guess, or maybe I just didn't want to see things in writing. But I've decided to journal about my self-discoveries, and maybe not write down all my negative feelings, or if I do I'll rip it out and throw that page in the trash!
Here's my discovery for today after listening to a session:
The very nature of ME, and all that I've been my entire life, along with God, protects me from the irrational things I've been fearing! My "me" protects me automatically! There is no need to fear or doubt myself or abilities in any way because behind the self-created cloud of fear - I'm me!
The worry I often feel is a habit, an addictive cycle, in reaction to stimuli, times of day, and habits, etc.
The way out of the fear is to stay in the present moment! Take relaxing breaths and relax my mind AND body. Recognize WHY I'm feeling anxious, then consciously UNDER-REACT and move along with my day. It may take a few minutes, but it will pass and I'll feel better.
End of journaling for today.
Also, it's helped me to know these things from when I got very much over anxiety in the past. It's the truth and it helped me then and it's helping me now. Writing this for you is helping me now and I hope something in here helps you! I'll be back to write more later this week. It's amazing how much better I feel when I step out of my own head and try to help others.
We will get through this together, and don't forget to PRAY!
P.S. I cried half the day from frustration from just having the anxiety issue back in my life. But I decided to listen to a session and do the relaxation CD and that helped me get my focus back, then I had a rational think about things and feel better. It may not last for days, or even hours, but if I feel the spiral again, I'll do it again and keep picking myself back up until I'm whole again.
I am realizing it is me, that has gotten myself where I am. The way I have thought about things and re-acted to things (Or over thought and over/under reacted to things I should say)