I don't know how I'll make it through this lesson

[AliButtons]

When I got to the third lesson, as I listened to the CD, I cried the entire time. I have ALWAYS been very negative about myself. My inner thoughts have always been negative for as long as I can remember.... I always beat myself up. I don't even think I know how to be positive. I find myself apologizing to those I love all the time for things I don't need to be apologizing for, asking my boyfriend if he hates me, etc. I just don't know how I'm going to do it.

I have a lot of negative things going on in my life right now - my family situation SUCKS to say the least. My Mom is very supportive, but the rest of my family and I rarely speak. I'm 26 and have never had a real job (I make and sell jewelry from home) due to my depression and anxiety. My family doesn't understand why I can't just "get over it."

My boyfriend and I are long distance and haven't seen one another in over a year. I left last January after finding out he had been talking to another girl online and on the phone, and I completely blamed myself. That's just how negative I am! We've worked through it and he reassures me all the time that I never did anything wrong... but I still beat myself up over things in our relationship. Now we're both stuck in situations that make it nearly impossible to visit. I can't go there because of these panic attacks that have started (before, I could travel with him by car all the way from California to Wisconsin with not a care in the world... and now I can barely stand the car ride into the next town over). He can't come here because he lives on a farm with his Mom and she works all day, so he takes care of the animals & such. Also, we just can't afford it. We talk for hours and webcam daily and he's been supportive and our relationship is the one thing keeping me motivated, but being apart makes me more negative about everything.

I know this is the most important lesson for me to learn because it could completely turn my life around.... if only I could be more positive! I can't imagine how much my life would change. But how on earth do I do it if I've been negative since childhood? I blamed myself for being bullied in middle school, even! I just get so overwhelmed thinking about how I'll change my negative thoughts into positive ones. Is it really possible?

[Iwillbebetter]

I just get so overwhelmed thinking about how I'll change my negative thoughts into positive ones

So don't think about that right now!! I can totally relate to what you are saying about blaming yourself!! This was a VERY hard session for me also!! I actually still work at this constantly!! What I had to do before I could even think about changing the negatives to positives, was to just stop the negatives!! I didn't try to "change" them at first. I just stopped them dead in their tracks and sent them away!! I used happy songs... from literally "happy happy joy joy" to "ohhh happy days, ohhh happy day when jesus washed... when jesus washed..." But there is also a phrase. I didn't hear it before, but in the group session, I think of this one the guy Ken I think is his name, said he pretty much did the same thing but he just said to himself "thoughts only thoughts" I would start their once you have gotten pretty good at that, then you can start to work at turning them around!!

[AliButtons]

Thanks! I have actually been using the "Thoughts, only thoughts" phrase when I'm feeling panicky. It hasn't sunk in completely yet, but I keep saying it. I still struggle with the idea that anxiety and negative thoughts can do all of these awful things to me.

[Iwillbebetter]

That's understandable. It is a hard connection to make, but the more you work at it the more you will see the connection!! I would have never realized/beleived it before I actually was able to start seeing it first hand!!

[scarter53]

I too am on the third session after having this program for over a year. I knew it was finally time to make a change I have been on klonopin for over five years was laid off from a job I loved , went thru a divorce and lost my home I do have some positive I hooked with my high school sweetheart and relocated to be closer to my fiance and better job prospects. On the down side I left my 16 yr old son with my ex-husband and have not seen him as often as I would like due to the fear of leaving my home and driving four hours. My anxiety has crippled me and I am praying this program will help I have seen many Dr.'s all with good intentions but trying to taper off this stuff. I did get a rescue puppy her name is Lucy and she has me walking three miles a day I came off caffeine so I have made some promising strides. However, I still deal with anxiety, guilt, insomnia which of course leads to depresssion. My fiance has been wonderful and so supportive. I am actually doing the workbook writing down my feelings I just know this is going to work for me. I lost everything I loved and at 53 I am starting over not easy but I want to live I want to enjoy life so I am putting a 100% into this. I wish everybody that is dealing with this struggle the very best. So glad I finally got this out of a box dusted it off and am going through the program. God Bless!

[Iwillbebetter]

Welcome Scarter, I'm sorry to hear of all that you have lost, but am SOOO glad that you have finally opened the box!! And are ready to put 100%!! You do get out of it what you put into it so That is also wonderful that you have such a supportive fiance, that will help you so much along your way!! Just know that it took you a long time to get where you are at, it will take some time to get where you are trying to now go... Also take the time you need in what you are doing, it's not the speed, but the direction that counts!!! Best of luck to you