obsessive thoughts all day
Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:10 pm
it was six months ago that my girlfriend had disclosed her relationship history to me. prior to that, i was under the impression it was meager and fairly ordinary. i believed that i had exceeded her in that department and would be comfortable in this part of our relationship. this was not so- her past was very checkered and involved a lot of her taking control of the situation and not letting men sleep with her. this was done many times and included our first experience. not only that, i learned that she did this same routine with another man after we started seeing each other. although she has been with nearly the same amount of people i have, and ive slept with more people, now my mind is plagued with imagined images of these experiences. there will be a song that will bring it about, or ill read of hear something about places she had experiences, they will come in my mind. i believe i am not trusting all of the sudden because i had prejudged who i thought she was, and though she is exactly the same, i cannot trust this. i also feel i am being judgmental and critical. i made her see the light that real love exists and that she deserves to be treated well, and i believed it all until i found out these things. prior to that she was only concerned with the other persons experience and not her own because of low self esteem. she is the person ive loved the most in my life, and now im torn between feeling normal and obsessing about these things, even when we're together. it is hard for me to stay in the present. i went through depersonalization and much more severe anxiety over the passed six months, but before this i was elated about our relationship and this girl. i still am from time to time but this obsessing takes over. i do not plan on leaving her because it is i who has to change but i am having so much trouble staying in the present and leaving what has passed alone. i am in week 3, and when a thought comes in, i try to breathe, allow myself to feel anxious, and carry on, but the overall looming feeling of all of this is still there.
