I Stoped THE PROGRAM AND WANT TO START AGAIN HELP please

[Deseree]

I stoped the program in session 3. Last year during this time i was functional i had a job, i was active, i had a life. And i hate myself so much that i just couldn't go through session 3 feelings or worthless and i gave up everything.. And now im in step one again and feel a little discourage, but i dont want to breakdown anymore i want to breakthrough...My mental illness is so severe that if i dont take care of myself i will end up in the emergency room every year. I miss the amazing person i was becoming... i was getting soo much better, and i guess i feared it... I went through my first rodeo and damn it was a big challenge for me ive never done something for myself, i always had someone do it for me, and i miss it, i have a very strong addiction and i cant get out of it, i dont have any friends, i try to stay away form everybody in this world, i feel people are attacking me, i have one good friend but i dont appreciate him and it hurts that i cant be normal with him. He understands but im scared ill lose him too. I feel lonely and that's my fault. Ive been in this hole for too long already. I started this program last year because i had a panic attack at my nephews bday party. I felt everyone was looking at me ... and i was jumping at the balloon like crazy and sprained my knee for the second time and life was forcing me to change. So i gave it a chance, and i got to know myself and i was to amazed of myself, i couldnt believe that was me. NOW im scared to live one more day. I feel lost!

does anyone have advice for me!? it will be nice..

[john carleton]

If u need someone 2 talk 2 thats going threw the same issues that u r u can call me at 510 260-1463 my name is john

[Eric McLin]

Dear Deseree,

I think you are being very hard on yourself. Session 3 of the program deals with need for us to accept ourselves where we are in life...at this moment. This moment is all we have. The past is gone and the future is a thought that often causes anxiety. We never know when the end of our journey is on this earth. Please be kind to yourself and begin to understand that what job you have or what status you have does not solve a person's value. We all come from the one God who loves us all.

You sound like a young person. You will have many more opportunities to learn and grow. I dealt with OCD throughout college and was not on any mediciation in the late 1980's. I felt like I was a failure many times. I expected too much from other people and myself. I looked for value outside of myself. Try to find something that interests you. Maybe it is a hobby or a gift that you have. What would be your ideal job if you could create one out of thin air ? More than likely, that ideal job does exist. The internet is wonderful for finding information about the career you maybe looking into. Be easy on yourself. Being young or making mistakes is a part of life. You feel more relaxed when you can accept that you are valuable no matter what happens.

Get some paper and jot down some strengths that you have acquired during your lifetime. Being in college is a time for exhillaration and anxiety too. The fact that you want to grow by going through the the program program means that you do care and that you want to make changes. Accepting that is a great start. When you never give up, you can feel pride in yourself. God bless you !

[Deseree]

Thank you eric for your encouraging words. I will take the first step today. Heavenly father is given all the warning signs that somETHING bad can really happen to me if i dont get my act together. I usually know the right words to say but its been hard all morning to get my mind straight. What will do today to be successful tomorrow? I will break my habit..and be kind with myself, because im treating myself really ugly lately. I just feel disable right now, like i cant anything right!

I feel stuck! Like i cant move... Im trapped and i want to break free!!!!!!

"people grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously" by Eleanor Roosevelt.. just for today I will live in the present moment and rationalize the capacity of my personality crisis.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Deseree--I agree with Eric, you are young and probably too hard on yourself. You'll get better...bit by bit...think of Baby Steps so that you don't get overwhelmed. paislee