At a crossroads, would be grateful for help

[IMTHETORNADOINMYLIFE]

I am grateful for this program and for the first time feel like there's something I can do to help myself and it's really going to work. I bought it a few years ago and just started it a few weeks ago. 7 members of my family have died in the past 2 years of either cancer or heart attacks. The last death, about 3 weeks ago, was someone I was very close to and after his death I sank into a deep depression, crying over nothing, trouble getting out of bed, loss of interest, feeling overall hopeless and this was mixed with anxiety and panic attacks. A seemingly minor thing sent me over the edge and I have spent days trying to come up with positive self talk around it. Even now I am what iffing "What if everying thinks this is so crazy they don't believe it, what if they think it's just plain stupid?" My husband recently threw the remote control at me, hard, because I didn't want to watch the same TV show with him and I spent an anxious angry night on the couch. The next day he was going into the house with his shoes on and it's a constant argument with us. He tracks dirt all through the house and it doesn't bother him at all to have chunks of mud and dirt on the floor but it bothers me and even further frustrates me that he refuses to just take his shoes off and save me the work of cleaning up after him, which he won't do himself. So I asked him why he was going in the house with his shoes on and he ignored me. Like I don't even exist. This is a new thing he's doing lately, if he doesn't like what I'm saying, he just pretends I'm nonexistent. I have spent the past several days holed up in our spare room filled with anger and anxiety. I try to think what I would tell my daughter to do which usually helps me through the times I'm struggling and I just draw a complete blank and work myself up into an even more anxious state. When I try to come up with something empowering to say to myself around this, I just envision smacking him over the head with something that hurts and I get filled with anger, anxiety and panic. When I am in the same room with him I have instant anxiety and panic. I know I am being blinded by my overload of what if's and depression and anger and I'm hoping someone who isn't mired in this would please offer some guidance so I can move past this wall I've hit. I so want to feel better and the few successes I've had so far have made me want it even more.

[Paisleegreen]

Wow, I can relate! I won't go into detail as I've posted about my incidents with hubby on another thread, but I have had the same issues with the male folk (DH and DS) short for Dear Husband and Dear Son tracking in dirt or grease and other issues.
They don't necessarily bring in chunks of dirt but the work boots they wear carry dirt in the crevices, so they really need to wipe their feet better or take off their boots. I have plenty of floor rugs at the door for them to do so.

Also, DH has been upset with my frustration or something I said, that wasn't meant to be insulting, so he sort of tosses the remotes at me or close to me on the bed. I didn't get hit and it wasn't that hard it just showed his anger or frustration. Which I'm sensitive to and we've been working on that. So I get what you are saying.

I also have lost a few family members and one of them was a son to suicide, so I know what grief can do to your heart and nerves. I just want you do know that eventually you will feel better and I'm here to help as much as I can if I can. Paislee

[IMTHETORNADOINMYLIFE]

Thank you. I am sorry about your son, I can't even begin to know what that must have been like for you. Your post did help because it feels like I'm not all alone and I don't feel as crazy as I did. I'm surprised at how much that helped.

[oktobefree]

Hi, I am just starting. It sounds like a great program. I need to listen to #3 again.