Ya know what? Writing it all out is a great release! Thanks for sharing all of that. As you're going through the attacking anxiety program, it's going to talk a LOT about self-esteem and how it relates to anxiety, depression, etc. I think you'll find it really helpful.
A great thing to do for yourself...every time you have a negative thought about yourself, follow it with a positive one about yourself - a TRUE thing - something GOOD about you or something positive or good you've done. Keep practicing this... try to catch those negative thoughts, and replace them. The stuff you're feeling and thinking...all these bad things...these are things you've LEARNED over time. You're just conditioned...by others, by yourself, over time, to think like that, but it's NOT WHO YOU ARE! You have to "retrain" your mind - RE-LEARN positive things. It will take time. It's like someone training for a marathon. You're not goign to just wake up one day and run 26 miles! Ya know what I mean? You have to practice and keep practicing so you build up your stamina and muscles, etc., so you can complete that marathon. It DOES work, though, if you practice it daily. Your brain will actually start sending out new signals - better ones - and it'll help start ridding you of some of that anger, jealousy, and other emotions that are plaguing you.
You don't HAVE to be so hard on yourself. We're all human and we're all unique in our own ways. I bet if you dug into the lives of some of the people you've felt jealous of, you'd realize how "human" they are, too. Maybe they're not so perfect, either, ya know. You are not REQUIRED to be "perfect". Just be YOURSELF and allow yourelf to feel happy. There's no scorecard for life.
It's okay to love yourself...
It feels pretty good typing this out right now.