My story first time Im telling anyone the whole truth...

[bklynbee]

Today I listened to session 3 for the first time and it made me realize I am a negative thinker and I really want to change this. Not sure if I have the strength to do so though.(negative thought). Sorry this is going to be long but I just feel like I need to get everything out and need advice. I have been suffering with panic and anxiety since I was a little kid. I used to always cry to my mom there was something wrong with my heart. She used to take me to doc and there would be nothing wrong. My mom left me alone with my brother because she had to work. He was not well himself so he used to just sleep the whole day and I remember I used to get this weird feeling and go running to him and beg him to help me. This happened a lot when I was left with him or with my grandmother. When I was with my friends and staying at there house I never had any of this. Anyways I am 35 now and the anxiety has come and gone over the years. Since this past june the anxiety has been debilitating. I have had a couple of normal days here and there but not many. Back in 2006 I was having chest pains and pains in my arms and jaw. I went to a doc for the first time and after he did an ekg he said I could possibly be having a heart attack. 30 years old and having a heart attack? my worst nightmare had come true. I went to the er they did tests and everything was normal. So then my doc sent me for futher testing and all other tests came back normal. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse but on the test from 2006 it said no mitral valve prolapse. I was on a medication to slow my heart rate down for years but then all of a sudden it started making my bp to low. Now I am on nothing and my heart races a lot and I am so paranoid about it. I constantly take my pulse. I lay in my bed all day afraid to get up because I am afraid my heart is going to race. Back in oct of 2010 I wound up in the er overnight because of it....it was at a normal rate when i was sitting but when i stood up it was going up way over 100 and they were saying i might have a nerve that is causing my heart to race like that. They did further testing that came back normal and said it was anxiety. They put me on another med to slow the heart rate down but it gave me horrible side effects so i stopped taking it. Doc wants me to try zoloft but i am petrified to take it. I tried taking lexapro and i felt like i was walking around in another world. I have a massive fear of medication. I take the pill and I have a panic attack because I think it is going to kill me. I went to a cardio he made me wear the 24 hour halter monitor and that came back normal but at that time I was not having that many symptoms. Anyways my ekgs used to be normal and now they are always abnormal. I ask the doctors why and they have no answers for me and in my head there has to be a reason. My doc said that my ekg is what is normal for me and thats it. I am so paranoid about my heart rate that i have it in my head if its over 70 its going to start going to fast at any minute and I start to panic. I take my pulse every time I stand up and my normal rate is 88 when I stand up. If it is above that I will not get up and I will not leave my house. It has been so bad that to get to the bathroom at time i would either crawl on my hands and knees or have my fiance carry me. I dont know how to stop taking my pulse. I try so hard not to but it makes me more anxious when I dont. Another part of this equation is that because of this anxiety I have put off a medical procedure that I really need to have done. I was supposed to have it done in 2006 and it is now 2011. If I dont have this procedure done I will wind up getting cancer. This is always in the back of my mind what if it is to late. I have lied to my friends and told them I had it done because I didnt want to hear them complain about it. My family doesnt seem to care one way or another if I have it done. My fiance has tried to help me many times but he has given up as well. I wake up with panic attacks on a daily basis and for the first time this past saturday i actually thought to myself how can i end this already? That thought really scared me because i never thought like that before. I dont know how to get over this paranoid feeling i have with my heart because i feel like they are missing something and I dont know how to get passed this. I am petrified to go to the doctor or hospital and i just lay here and suffer day in day out just hoping that something will change somehow, someway. That is my story , I am sorry this is so long but I just needed to get it out. For anyone who read this whole thing god bless you. If your were me what would you do? I really need some advice. Thank you!

[Looking4Something]

Don't give up. You cannot quit. Keep up with the CD's, they really do help. It is very scary to feel like this but you must know you are not alone! Find comfort in others from the program, family and friends. I wish you the best.

[BEP]

I agree. Stay on target, no matter how difficult. I would recommend the relaxation tape, twice a day if you can. Keep moving forward and in a few weeks you will be feeling more relaxed, more confident and more in control. I've been there, just wanting the end to come, but there is a reason we are here, and a reason we are going through this. I'm choosing to believe that it is because of the amazing person we are to become, the amazing person we have always been but not believed in.

[ab1982]

Checking your pulse has become a compulsion for you. It's going to be very hard to break it, but you have to at least try. When you get up tell yourself "I'm ok. I don't need to check my pulse. Checking it will no change anything." It'll be hard at first. But keep on it. The other thing - natural remedies. Try chamomile tea. And get a bottle of Valerian root capsules. Take a couple of times a day. It's not harmful in any way, it's not like taking meds. And it'll make you feel more relaxed. And of course make sure to listen to the relaxation CD several times a day, whenever you feel the need.
I know obsessive thoughts could be very disturbing. I've been there. But trust me when I tell you, you CAN get them under control. Self talk is crucial. I kept telling myself "this is ridiculous! It's not going to happen. I will not waste my time on this crazy thought". And in time it started working. And now when something scary pops into my head i can easily get rid of it!
Good luck! You can certainly do it!

[bklynbee]

Thank you all for your replies...you are so right taking my pulse is a compulsion for me. I try hard not to take it but when I dont I start having more anxiety. I really dont know how im going to break this habit. I barely leave me house and just lay in my bed or sit on the couch all day. I have been like this for almost a year and I just want my life back. I want to be able to get up at a normal time in the morning(now i get up at 5am) get up out of my bed and just have a productive day. A day where I can get up and take a shower and go for a walk and go to the store and cook dinner and go to sleep without thinking about what the next day is going to bring. If not for my fiance for the last few months I dont know what would have happened to me by now. Maybe one day I will have my life back...I really hope so.

[marialuv19]

Hey,

I really want to thank you for sharing that. I think you are one courageous brave person . I don't think it's a big deal that you check your pulse....some people wake up in the morning and the first thing they do is smoke a cigarrete--you're not harming yourself---you're just monitoring yourself. I myself get pains in the heart ---sharp pains---it doesnt speed but It freaks me out sometimes. There's always hope....God bless and be well

[Nanner823]

bklynbee

Thank you for sharing! You are brave to talk about it. I understand your fear of meds, I used to panic over VITAMINS!! I mean I took them despite. I had to have another adult there for at least a half hour after, because I was thinking I would suddenly be allergic to them. How funny to look back on it, but petrifying at the time. God Bless you for sharing!

[bklynbee]

Thank you all for taking the time to read about what I am going through and all of your kind thoughts!