Stress Center Peer Support

I have been making some small steps to being able to travel more. I have realized that there are places I like to go, and would never have been able to before the program.

I have however, hit a snag.(excuse the bit of back story here) I found that my father has always wanted me to do things and go places(ever since I was young) with him. I have had anxiety traveling since I was about 8, so I never went with him anywhere.

Since starting the program I have been more willing to try and go with him(zoo, aquarium, train riding, etc). We may not always get to our goal(although I have done pretty well, he always seemed willing to go places).

Going to the zoo was done last summer(I work, so there is a small window of time when we can go), but we managed to get there. Once I said I would try, he was very persistent that I at least make the attempt. In the end we had a great time, and I really liked it.

This summer when I said we should go to the zoo again(I now do not have anxiety traveling over the bridge), he was not as interested. We were supposed to go on Tuesday, but it rained, and tomorrow he was supposed to do something but those plans fell through. I mentioned that we could now go to the zoo, and he told me he didn't really want to.

I feel as if he only wants to do things with me, b/c of the anxiety. He wants to "fix" me, and I know he has always wanted that. I feel as if I'm a challenge he is trying to accomplish. Earlier this week he was going on and on about riding on the train to a museum in the city, and how if I tried it I would be able to get over my anxiety of riding on the train, the subway, and being in the city in general. I kept trying to talk about going to the zoo, but he would just go back to talking about the museum and the train ride.

I am starting to feel that when I get over my anxiety the side effect is now just disappointment. I find that I like something, but I cannot do it again b/c my fathers not interested once I can do it. I would never have been disappointed that I was not going somewhere if I was still content in just staying home(like I was when I had anxiety). I know that sounds silly, but being upset, and realizing that my fathers intentions may not have always been entirely about helping and doing things with me, are making those feelings.

I was thinking about trying to get to the museum with him, but now I feel as if I succeed, and enjoy it, that will be the last time I go, so its better to not know what I'm missing. I know I could go alone(that's another step at helping my anxiety), but who wants to go to a zoo, or museum alone, that's just boring, I want someone to share it with.

How do I push past these feelings? How can I motivate myself to keep going(despite the fact that when I succeed it will no longer be interesting to my father)? How can I get over the resentment I now feel toward him?

Thanks

Wow. Father issues. I read the right post.

I'm sorry you had to realize the truth. Ignorance really is bliss. You were happier thinking he was doing those things for you instead of himself. Unfortunately, you may be dealing with this resentment for years. I've been resenting my father since 2001 when he left us to have a new, improved ready-made family in another state. My sister tells people he's dead. Istill have to talk to him because he pays for things for me. He helps me with rent and car repairs. I think it's out of deep seeded guilt for what he did to me, but that's giving him too much credit. He only does things for himself. And I don't know what it's like to go do something with him. When I was growing up, I only got to spend time with him if I needed help with my homework and Star Trek was on a commercial. We weren't allowed to talk if it was on. And sometimes he'd let me help make pancakes if I happened to wake up early enough on a Saturday morning. That's it. Now we only talk through emails, text messages, and short phone calls if I need money.

He came to visit me when I moved to Houston in 2004, then 5 years later in 2009 when I moved back to Dallas. I remember it vividly. I was on the verge of a panic attack (9 on a scale of 10) when he arrived. He didn't hug me, or touch me at all for that matter. He barely looked at me. I kept trying to talk to him and show him things he might think were cool (I think I was trying to impress him) but he spent the entire time looking through every one of my DVDs to see which ones he wanted to borrow. I let him borrow anything he wanted because I wanted to please him, and he said he would send them back. I let him take my complete series of Friends and Buffy, all of which took me 8 years of birthday and Christmas presents to collect. It was stupid of me to trust him. Those are my most prized DVDs I watched repeatedly and I let him take them. Needless to say he finished with them 3 months later and is now using them as bait to try and break me into coming to his new house and meeting his new perfect family. He's had my stuff for over a year and a half. I wrote it off as stolen and collected used copies of Friends at a pawn shop to replace my series. I finally got the whole thing. Now I have to try to replace 8 years of birthday presents to get Buffy back. He took my presents and is trying to trick me into doing something he wants me to do.

I wish I had a Dad who did things with me. I understand it's disappointing though to feel more loved as a "sick" person, for lack of a better term. Do you think you're close enough to explain it to him? Say, you know, I really liked going to the zoo with you and I feel like you don't want to go with me now that I'm ok with it. I know you like helping me get over my anxiety, and I appreciate that, but I don't want all of our outings to be anxiety-focused. Can't we just go to the zoo to have a good time now that I can? We can celebrate my success by going there again. Maybe even more than once!

I wish I could tell my Dad how I feel, but it doesn't matter. When my sister was crying in a therapy session about his leaving us, he jumped up and threw a hissy fit yelling "what about me!!" then stormed out. He once told my mom, "I don't play a game unless I know I can win." he thinks this is a game. He's trying to "play" me into doing what he wants. He doesn't realize his daughter is smarter than him and doesn't want to play his stupid games. If he was at all curious how I felt he would have asked me, even once, in the past 9 years since he left. Or he would have apologized for hurting me and destroying my family. He doesn't care. He said when he left (very dryly) "this shouldn't affect you." I'd rather talk to a brick wall.

I'm sorry you're hurt by the truth. I wish I could tell you it's not true. Or that he really is doing this for you, but he's not. I'm using my father for his money, so maybe you should use yours for his time. That's horrible. Just tell him the truth and hope he tries to understand.

By the way, you can continue to heal yourself because you weren't doing it for him in the first place. You were always trying to get better for you and you will continue to get better for you, no matter how many mental problems your parents have. I speak from experience.