I AM SURROUNDED BY NEGATIVE PEOPLE!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:45 am

Oh man does all of this sound way to familiar. I have alot of neagtive people in my life to and its not like I can get them out of my life because they are family. My mom is by far the most negative person and I have never really noticed until the last few years and more and more as I get more positive. She makes an excuse for everything on why she cant do something, oh well I cant eat that food because I cant afford it, I cant do that beause my husband wont let me, I cant do that exercise because it hurts. There is an excuse for everything. Her and I are on a work out program together and we have a team and everyone on the team has knowm each other for years some even family, and I called my mom out on this in front of a few people and my aunt agreed so its not just me. Also my 17 year old sister seems to be following my moms footsteps she is pregnant and has the worst boyfriend ever who just treats her terribly and I have to watch it, and hear about it all the time. I am just so sick of hearing about it, its nothing but old news to me. Its like how can I make myself better if everyone around me is driving me nuts with their negativity. So what am I suppose to do?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 12:51 pm

We all have negative people on our life, everyday. I always remember Lucinda's saying to be less affected and more effective. When I hear other people's negativity, I decided not to take it. I used to think about it or wonder how I can make it better or help out. Most of the time, there's nothing you can do. It feels really good now to hear the negativity come out of someones mouth and know that I won't allow it to affect me the way it used to. I smile inside because I just don't let that stuff bother me. I can choose to walk away from pessimistic people and let them feel sorry for themselves if that's what they want to do. Or I can offer a positive word - if they don't want to take it, that's their problem, not mine.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:17 pm

My family are all perfectionists; They can drive you bonkers. My mother wanted all of us to be perfect, and although I know she loves us unconditionally, she knows how to push those buttons. I am trying to learn how not to let it affect me, but it is not easy. Take my daughter for instance. She has a boyfriend who is not the ideal perfect person for my daughter. Every time I get on the phone i have to hear it from either my mother or my sisters. Does he have a job yet? Is he doing this? Is she crazy? I would have thrown him out by now. I find myself making excuses just because I feel bad that they are so nasty towards him. Finally my daughter did tell him to leave, and found another boyfriend. Oh my! Why is she with him? Then the rumors fly. It is so hard when you have 5 sisters and a mother. Each talk to the others and the story changes with each person. So when you talk to them even though it is not your life you find yourself on the defensive. I try to tell them to talk to her and leave me out of it, but the questions come and the judgements. Now my daughter has gone through a with her old boyfriend who is also the father of her children and he is trying to change and now the family got wind that she is taking him back little by little.
My mother asks how is your daughter? Is she still with her boyfriend? No she's back with the old one. "Why? He is such a loser!" He is not even my boyfriend, but man those words cut through to the heart and make me so mad. I told my mother that I will not discuss it with her. I told her we are dropping the subject, which we did, but I am still angry about it and it has been 2 days. I am trying to forget it, but this type of stuff is ongoing with my family and I am not strong enough yet to know the correct words how to nip it in the bud. I need to not let them get to me, but boy do they!
Like I said we have all grown up to be perfectionists, and some of my sisters are very unhappy in their life. Because they cannot find perfection in their life, they will find the imperfection in everyone elses. That includes mine. Somtimes they do not even know that they are being negative, and I know that I am being over sensitive, and they make sure they let me know that they know it too. I think this part of the program will take a while, but I will get it sooner or later.
I think the easier part will be to not react to them, while the hardest part is to not let is get to me. I cringe when people say things that hurt and I feel the resentment and anger build. I try not to think of it or let them affect me but it is sooo hard. If anyone knows how not to be affected by nastiness, please explain to me how, because I can use that advise and quick.
thanks for listening!
HOPEFULL

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:35 pm

Yikes! You have your hands full. It has to be hard to listen to your mom and sisters say those things. It's really easy for them to sit outside and judge what's going on when they don't really know how things are. I applaud you for trying to stand your ground. A therapist once told me to turn the tables on people that do that and constantly ride them about something in their life. I don't know if it works because I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think you should stay strong and do what you feel is right. No one knows what it's like to be in your shoes (or your daughter's for that matter!)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:51 pm

I know what you mean about negative people..I never thought of my family as negative until I started going through this program..but then as I sat there and listened to how my mother talks about everything everyday..it's like there's a new catastrophe everyday..I mean I know some of the things she's going through are hard to deal with..but that's all I hear are the negative things..and starting tomorrow I'm going to ask her to give me three things each day that she's thankful for or three positive things that have happened to her.My son is the same way..he's having a baby in August and he's not married..but I believe a baby is a blessing..God allowed that baby to be here for this time for a reason..and all he keeps thinking about is selfish thoughts about how he won't be able to do all the things he used to or how it's encroaching on his life..I personally am excited..this will be my first grandchild..my boyfriend is also a very negative person..I love him because he has been with me through all this crazy anxiety stuff and he drives my daughter to school every morning even though he works a night shift and he knows I have to work on my driving..but he doesn't push me..but just everyday things that happen about his job or where we're at in life..how unhappy he is that we're staying with my mom right now ..I mean I know it's hard, but atleast we're not on the street and we can work on moving forward with our lives..I'm going through the program and I'm trying to get better..but all this negativity..even my sister is very negative..she's my younger sister and got married and had the whole family thing before me..so she tries to act like she's the oldest..and it drives me crazy..but I guess I have to try to zone them out..and try to turn them around once they've started on a rampage..It's something I have to work on...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:03 pm

I can totally relate with many of you in your posts. I work with "miss negativity" and it is wearing me down, mentally and now physically, I have physical symptoms such as twinges of pain that will sending me jumping and then panicking. I have told my boss about her negativity, but he his such a nice guy that he never says anything to her. I work in a place where all the girls are in one big room with work stations and this particular person decided that she wanted to move her desk into the area where my work station is, she chats constantly and rarely says anything nice about a few people in our office, but in the next breath is all lovey dovey toward other people in our office. MAKES ME CRAZY!!!!

Today I told my boss that I wanted to move my desk to another empty one in our "room" and he feels that I should not have to move, that she should be the one to move because I was there first. My thoughts are that if she is asked to move then she will know that I said something about and then I will have more grief in my world, so I said that I would move.

I am so paranoid of what she must say about me when I am not there, and I can't seem to get over it. I don't want her negativity and stuff to get me down anymore but I just don't know how to handle it all.

Any ideas??????

Kucek · Post by **Kucek** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:21 pm

Hey Binkyboo! I know how you feel and have been around many negative people. I understand you want to stay under the radar to not get more negativity from her. What I'm gonna say will probably be hard to do (I've been there trust me!) but you will have to get the respect. First of all she is disturbing the employees productivity and should not be constantly gossiping in the office. Totally unacceptable in the work force. Any employer would put her in her place...however, I know the kind of boss you have and he will not ruffle feathers. You have to deal with this. On the other hand, you have to impose yourself and put your foot down because you cannot concentrate and fulfill your daily work duties. If this went to Human Resources, they would be on your side. Trust me, one day this will catch up to her. Also, don't worry about what she thinks because she needs to learn to work professionally especially when it is an open area with many work stations. Binkyboo, it is your right to have a proper working environment. Like I said, you have to stand up for yourself and you did by seeing your boss. Now it's out of your hands and let him move her somewhere else. If you don't do this, she will continue to walk all over you. This will not only impact your productivity but could get you in trouble one day and of course you will be blamed for it. I don't know anyone that wants to be around someone that always has a negative opinion and trashes everybody...that's very immature and unnacceptable in the worplace.

Let your boss to his job...She has to move and you stay where you are. Limit your interactions with her. You need to please your boss and work well in your team but don't worry about her. She is a waste of time and people like this normally don't get much done in one day...they're too busy gossiping...
Please let me know what happens...I am so pissed off for you...I wish I could come to work and set her straight. You know it's always easier to do it when it's not hitting home but when a situation like this affects me, I think exactly like you but am now learning to be assertive without being aggressive. Lucinda teaches this later on in the program. I am not there yet but saw it in the course outline.
Hope this helps,
Francois

Originally posted by binkyboo:
I can totally relate with many of you in your posts. I work with "miss negativity" and it is wearing me down, mentally and now physically, I have physical symptoms such as twinges of pain that will sending me jumping and then panicking. I have told my boss about her negativity, but he his such a nice guy that he never says anything to her. I work in a place where all the girls are in one big room with work stations and this particular person decided that she wanted to move her desk into the area where my work station is, she chats constantly and rarely says anything nice about a few people in our office, but in the next breath is all lovey dovey toward other people in our office. MAKES ME CRAZY!!!!

Today I told my boss that I wanted to move my desk to another empty one in our "room" and he feels that I should not have to move, that she should be the one to move because I was there first. My thoughts are that if she is asked to move then she will know that I said something about and then I will have more grief in my world, so I said that I would move.

I am so paranoid of what she must say about me when I am not there, and I can't seem to get over it. I don't want her negativity and stuff to get me down anymore but I just don't know how to handle it all.

Any ideas??????

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:43 pm

Thank you for the advice Francois! I do need to learn to be more assertive, I am not there yet in the program either, I am still on like tape 4, been there for a while now...... I will give it a try and see what happens with what I told the boss and see if he does anything, I did tell HR also, she was in with my boss at the time.

Thank you again for the advice, I appreciate it and hope that everything works out.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 2:25 pm

Hey Binkyboo. By the way, I love your nick name. So cute! I need to be more assertive too! I get scared. Let's be gentle with ourselves and we'll get there in due time. Stay in touch. Let me know what happens. By the way, you are a very wise person. You are letting things go and are waiting to see what happens. When you do this, I find that things get resolved on their own. We need to get involved but then need to let it go, otherwise if we try to control the situation too much, we get worn out and it gets no where. You made your point, you escalated and I'M SO GLAD HR is stepping in. You'll see you will look bad in the end. Not you! So who cares what she can say about you! Stay positive and God Bless you!
Francois

Originally posted by binkyboo:
Thank you for the advice Francois! I do need to learn to be more assertive, I am not there yet in the program either, I am still on like tape 4, been there for a while now...... I will give it a try and see what happens with what I told the boss and see if he does anything, I did tell HR also, she was in with my boss at the time.

Thank you again for the advice, I appreciate it and hope that everything works out.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 13, 2008 3:11 am

Joe B. I agree with the suggestions above about trying to stay positive yourself and trying not to react with anger. You sound a lot like my husband. He is very angry right now and has been under a lot of stress working 2 jobs to try to provide for me and our 4 children. However, the stress of him being gone all the time has caused a whole lot more stress and anxiety for me. I think wives tend to take on the stress and anxiety of every member of the family. When my husband is angry and stressed out, I naturally want to back away from him emotionally and physically. Women need to feel safe with the man they love, and physical closeness will not happen unless they feel emotionally safe. I tend to feel like it is always my fault that he is angry and stressed out, and it does not help that I feel he uses sex as a stress reliever. I have a hard time feeling close to him when I feel like all I am is "stress relief" to him.

I believe you get back whatever you give out, and if you are giving out negativity that is what you usually get back. I am starting to look at myself and see how negative I have been and with the help of this program I am trying to stay positive and not react with a lot of nagging or put downs. I read a great book called "Boundries, When to Say Yes and When to Say No" by Townsend and Cloud. It suggested that (just like the bubble idea above which I really like) you need to have emotional boundries that do not let the "bad" things in and only lets the "good" things out. When other people see only good things coming from you, they will eventually recipricate, or at least stop being negative back to you.

I had a counselor tell me that it was okay to feel angry, just not okay to react in anger. It is okay to let others know what makes you angry, as long as you do it in a manner that is not loud, attacking or may be perceived as threatening. My counselor said it was okay for me to say to people, "That makes me angry," or "it makes me angry when you..." And I think people appreciate it when they know if they have made you angry, especially when it is said in a non-threatening manner. Then they are more willing to change the behavior that made you angry in the first place, and you feel better having expressed it even if they do not change their behavior.

Keep trying to stay positive and be aware of how you react to people. I know it is hard, but it will be worth it later. You will eventually find yourself surrounded by positive people.