Assessing my thoughts

[ONB1983]

So by now I have learned that a lot of my anxiety & depression was awaken, or brought to my attention, by the recent break-up between myself and my now ex-boyfriend. After we split I had thoughts that I would never find anyone else quite like him, or nobody else would love me. I love him very much, but I had realized that it was probably best for us to be apart to get to know ourselves and form lives independent of one another. Then after ny's he contacted me because he wanted to be friends, have a regular tv night at his place & eat dinner, and take things slow. I was elated and immediately found myself lost in him once again. Well last thursday, after putting off meeting for week, he said he probably made a mistake and rushed things too soon, that he was still confused and needed to be alone. A lof of people felt he was toying with my emotions, and I felt the same way. I wondered what I had done wrong, if he hated me, or just realized he really didn't want to be with me anymore. Something happened though when I wanted to yell, or cry, or breakdown. I told myself he is his own person, he has to work through whatever it is he is feeling and so do I. I calming explained to him that I love him, that I will always love him, and that despite us not seeing each other anymore I will always consider myself a friend to him. I wanted answers, but the more I tried to ask, the more foggy the real reason for our current situation became. Where before he was totally confused about his sexuality, gay/straight, gay in private and then straight amongst his friends, leaving me on the sidelines, he said that was only 30% of the issue. Which led me to try and figure out the other 70% in my head. I wasn't perfect, so of course the remainder revolved around my imperfections, but in that moment I realized, although maybe not on purpose, I WAS being misled. I was completely honest in what I wanted from him, how I would be willing to fix any problems he or I had, but it was truly just he didnt know what he wanted, and as long as I made myself available, then dispensable, he would keep treating me that way. So I ended it, for the second time. The first time it was in a letter, the second time verbally (I couldn't stand to end it in person). I feel like I am getting better in accepting that it may never be, and moving on with my life; however, I still hope that the third time we meet in person are happy for the better versions we see of each other. In short (as if I haven't written enough): There is something out there greater than all of us, I really believe that. I remember thinking I would never see him again the first time, and then after five years of my nagging he finally moves to my city (albeit for a different reason, promotion). I think it was to show me from a different angle what I subconsciously knew all along. I feel comfort in knowing it's not me, it's him. The best I can do is continue to build myself back into a full person.

[Guest]

just wanted to let ya know i see where your coming from with your story...its tough with break ups..especially with someone you have become so attatched to..i experienced the same thing..and its like you want to see the person so bad, but you dont want any pressure or confusion..to make a long story short i understand where your coming from and goodluck with everything.