Stress Center Peer Support

I had been disappointed with a friend in a previous recent post b/c she hadn't contacted me in awhile when I told her I needed her (as I recently ended a long term relationship).The other day she called me and said we should get together.She came to my house last night, brought over a movie and surprised me with a belated birthday cake as she missed my birthday a few weeks ago.She made a speel before I blew out the candles that the start of my 27th year hasn't been so great but that she knows it will get better.All very sweet.At the end of the movie, I started to cry b/c it elicited some strong feelings I related to my ex.So we started to talk.I can never put my finger on it, but I don't know what it is I just don't feel the greatest about myself when I'm around her.I know she is a high-achiever and also struggles with low self-esteem so I should understand some of her views are distorted.I felt kind of deflated after she left, although I realize this was NOT her intention! She expressed that she wants to hang out more and this scares me b/c I don't want to be around people whom I feel bad about myself around. I know I have a choice as to who I hang out with and how often but part of me feels like I should not reject her but learn how to love and accept her. I was thinking a good strategy might be to continue as I have been to distract myself, making plans ahead of time with different people so I am busy and can't necessarily fit her in as much.When we do make plans to hang out, perhaps we could do another activity which doesn't involve just talking so I don't have to spill my guts to her and be disappointed with her responses.However, I don't want to avoid people because I may not like what they say to me/I do not want to live in fear of other's responses!

Another thing she said was that I should have gone to this other mutual friend's wedding that I didn't go to.I just lowerered my head and said "I know" because I didn't really know how to respond in that moment.She then said "we'll get you back on track" (meaning her and the other friend).But really this friend is a mutual friend, I haven't been that close with her over the last couple of years.I actually didn't want to go because her wedding was 6 hours from where I lived and I wouldn't really know anyone at the wedding and I didn't want to drag my then boyfriend to it as he wouldn't know anyone and was very anti-social due to frequent pot use.Of course, I couldn't tell her that was not why I was going to her wedding! Regardless, I want to feel like I have a choice about who I hang out with/what I attend! I'm not going to attend everything and maybe I will miss a birthday simply because I don't feel like going.I hate feeling negatively about people, I like loving people and accepting them!!

Does anyone have any advice??

Angela

Hi Angela,

Happy Belated Birthday!!

Remember that being around people who don't drag us down but are supportive, caring, thoughtfull people help us feel better but the world and people we deal with aren't always that way. You deffinately do though have a choice as to who you choose as friends and if a friend isn't helping and makes you feel bad right now it's up to you as to how much time you actually spend with them and what your comfort zone is.

The other side of the coin though is that we can't run away from our issues and have to face them head on. Once you build up your self esteem you will be able to be more assertive when you need to be, remember we can't chane anyone but ourselves. There will always be people who say or do things that hurt us or make us feel badly in some way. They are everywhere...you can only learn how to not let them get to you or make the decision to stop being with them...at least for now.

We are all struggling with low self esteem and many have for such a long time, we are also very sensitive people who would not intentionally hurt another's feelings and if bt accident we did then we would beat ourselves up over it and apologize for having hurt them.

Nobody can tell you what to do..we can just look at it and think what may be how we would handle it ourselves and hope it gives you many different alternatives to think about and decide what will be BEST FOR YOU right now.

Do you feel better when you aren't around these people?? If yes than avoid them/her for now.
You need to fix yourself and not add more fuel to the fire.

Hope some of this made sense or was helpfull..not having a good brain day right now. LOL

Good Luck, trust your own gut feelings.

I have decided that my goal is NOT to eliminate anxiety and fear.....rather it IS to modify my reaction or response to them.......and do so in a more "normal" fashion. Our lives will always have fears, insecurities, and worries, it is how we react that is the key to the whole anxiety ball of wax.....at least this is how I'm approaching it. The program offers wonderful tools and skills to enable us to modify our behavior and to move on with our lives. I pray we all can learn to cope in our own way and accept who we are and get joy from it.....God Bless

Thank you for your posts, I sincerely appreciate your quick responses. God Bless You!

J. Archer

my goal is NOT to eliminate anxiety and fear.....rather it IS to modify my reaction or response to them.......and do so in a more "normal" fashion

what is a "normal" fashion?...people are human and modify them in the most messy and complicated ways because we have trouble with change but I think most of us come to an ok solution no matter HOW we do it. Im not trying to criticize you..i just think that doing it in a normal fashion is a bit unrealistic thats all