cyclical fears and self talk

dave_canada · Post by **dave_canada** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:35 am

I am sitting writing this wondering how I got myself to this point again in my life. You see I used this program many years ago and successfully beat my scary thought anxiety.

I realize now I have two children, a marriage and two life crisis going on in the background and that is why the old "Distractor-Thoughts" have started again. I know there are two things that I have to deal with in my life. Both of them are out of my control. One I hope is nearly finished but the other is still open and could be forever.

So, as I apply self talk to myself, the negaholic that I have developed over the past 3 months doesn't buy it. Just when I am starting to feel a little tinge of "better" the "Guilt-o-Meter" tips and weighs heavy on my soul. It continues the cycle of fear & guilt.

I have dealt with anxiety 2 other times in my life and the second time, I had obsessive scary thoughts about myself contracting the cancer my dad had and not being able to see my kids grow up.

Now, 7 years later, I have encountered a situation where fear and guilt are playing on my mind. The scary thoughts are the same as my first bought with anxiety. I self talk myself during the 6 step process but find at times it can be very difficult.

I feel like a bad husband, bad father etc.

I have found that using my positive creative mind helps me alot. I created a video with my kids on the weekend and it felt so good to be using a positive part of my mind for creativity.

During my self talk, I want to be able to emphasize that I am a talented individual but the guilt swallows it whole.

I know over time, I will let go of the past guilt and move forward past it.

Thanks for listening.

Dave

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:08 am

I, too, have suffered from blaming and guilty feelings. I had anxiety for more than 30 years before I learned how to lead of life of freedom from those crippling feelings. I believe that feeling guilt serves a useful purpose when it helps steer our behavior productively. The problems is that guilt can be a cover up for low self-esteem....who is the perfect person, who? I wrote a book about overcoming fear and anxiety (Called "Anxiety Rescue")and in it put all of my strategies. I believe the antidote to guilt is forgiving. Forgive yourself, just as you would your best friend. Whatever ways you feel you have failed, look at it from the perspective of if this were your best friend. What would you tell them? If you can forgive others and forgive yourself, you release the noose of perfection. That really helps also release you from the chains of anxiety! Good luck and hang in there...hugs!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:25 pm

Kathryn,

"Forgive yourself, just as you would your best friend."

Thanks; I needed to read that.

BFG

cubfan · Post by **cubfan** » Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:56 pm

Dave -

I can certainly relate to what you are saying. I am sort of caught between session 3 and 4 somewhere in that my negative thoughts continue to over-power the positive and most definitely I expect more from myself. I am definitely a perfectionist.

Like you, I have battled with stress and anxiety for years, I have been treated for panic disorder and mild depression. Yet, I have gone through cycles where things seem better at times and then something will happen that throws me back into the loop. I have to say that the examples that I have heard so far in the sessions and also here on this forum describe me to a T. I am confident that in time I will get through this that I will continue to work on this for the long haul. I am not a quiter and, in fact, I am far from perfect. There is no such thing as failure, right?

I divorced my wife 2 years ago after feeling as though I simply could not keep up with her spending habits. The debt that she incurred was phenonenal and it seemed as though she spent more than my income. The credit card debt was through the roof. I had obsessive scary thoughts that I would not even be able to put food on the table for my kids. In short, I was scared.

So, I had to leave the situation. Now, 2 years later, she is taking me back to court for more child support money even though the amount that I pay now would scare most of you in itself. So, for me, the anxiety is mostly caused from things that I simply cannot control. It's sort of like, when will I ever get ahead now? There is definitely a "What if" at work here when I say "What if I cannot afford to live if the court makes me pay more?" It certaily feels close to that now. I also feel like I am the one being penalized when, in fact, I was the one who left in an un-contested divorce. Now, don't get me wrong, I am cognizant of the fact that this IS the negative thought here, but so many people who know my situation would agree that I am being taken advantage of. So, how do you turn a negative into something believable?

Yes, I feel as though I too have failed my 3 children by walking out of the home. I do see them every other week, but the fact remains that they mean the world to me. So, for me, I am looking at things a little differently.... I do not hate my kids mom. In some respects, I feel as though I failed her as well by not standing by the "For richer or poorer" part of our vows. However, we simply do not agree on many things and that is okay. I guess you could say that we "grew apart" or least I did.

Now, I have accepted responsibility for my own actions and beliefs and understand how I got to where I am. There is no doubt that stress and anxiety played a significant role. There is no doubt that I am a negative thinker with high expectations of myself and everyone around me. So, now it is time for me to heal so that I do not pass on these negative traits to my children. It is time for us to focus on the positive and to truly see life for what it is, not what we want it to be. Best of luck to all as we go through this journey together.