Hello Everyone, I've been reading all about the struggles, wonderful success stories and the overwhelming compassion shown by other members here. Many posts have brought me to tears. Tears of happiness, sadness and most of all the unconditinal love shown here at Lucinda's site. I am on tape #3 now and am finding it very difficult to find any possitive thoughts to replace my negative thoughts. It's not my intention at all to bring anyone "down" or scare any of you. I've just come to the hardest turning point in my life. Once upon a time there was a girl named Teresa (me) who cherished every moment of life. I worked hard/sometimes stessful jobs, traveled a lot and had the best friend anyone could ask for. She was out-going, adventerous, beautiful and oh so wise. She always lead me in the right directions, watched over me and loved me unconditionally,like Mothers do. She encouraged me to take chances. I can still hear her say "Go get em' Tiger!" Many years ago I was diagnoised with Panic/Anxitey Disorder. Sorta came out of the blue and was very scary. Mom always had faith in me though and a lot of patience. She was the only one who seemed to understand. No one else did. I over came the attacks (temporarily) with Adivan. Then came the Advanced Spine Disease, which did slow me down quite a bit. I could no longer work. In April 2006' I was rushed to the ER because my fingers turned white and I could not lift my left arm. The ER Doc' said I had PVD aka Advanced Pherifrial (sp) Vascular Disease/Atheriosclerois. No pulse or BP in left arm or right leg. I am only 46 years old, they were all shocked. I was rushed to a bigger/better hospital and underwent several tests which showed other blockages as well as Mild Heart Disease and an abdominal aneurysm. I underwent a pretty major by-pass surgery in May 2006' to save my arm. Mom came to take care of me for a couple weeks after I returned home. 3-4 months later, two stents and a balloon where place in my right leg to increase the lack of blood flow there. Have found other things wrong since then..the dreaded irritable bowel syndrome..ovarian tumors/cysts..you name it. Lots more surgeries to look forward too. And of course my Anxiety and Panic Disorders have returned full force. I've always been a worrier/over-anaylizer and Mom would often say.."Teresa, you are going to worry yourself sick" Like said, she was a very wise woman. Throughout all of MY problems she had been diagnoised with COPD, but she hid it from me very well, didn't want to upset me I suppose. I found out when I came to visit her one day and saw all the oxygen tanks and loads of breathing medicine she kept near by. In early Nov. 2006' she caught Phemonia and was hopitalized for two weeks. I stayed by her side, day and night. She amazingly recovered quite well and was able to come home. We had wonderful Thanksgiving (Catered in..neither one of us could lift a Turkey..lol) and she even managed to do some baking for Christmas. Christmas was always her favorite time of year. She always went out of her way to make it extra, extra special. We even put together a little New Years Eve party, which she said she really enjoyed! Then in Feb. 2006' (Valentines Day) she was rushed by ambulance to the local hospital here. She could not breath. Her Doctor told me she had contracted a very nasty Staff Infection during her pervious stay for the phemonia. Again, I stayed by her side day and night. Seven days later she passed away. I was alone. My friend from another town came down to help me take care of her "final wishes". I was in complete shock and total meltdown. I wasn't able to function. I had shut down completely and was in a daze. The small town I live in is filled with Aunts, Uncles, zillions of cousins...all on my Dad's side of the family. Not a single one called or came by. Nor did my Father, or my Brother. I struggled with that for several months...Why? The only way I got through that "bitter silence" was by forgiving them in my heart. I had to, as it was eating me up. Then I started calling all of her out-of-town friends (my Brother and I were the last of her "Family" tree) They all replied with their condolences, many called me on the phone, some sent cards and flowers. I never married or had children, so I am totally alone now. With the exception of a visit from my Home Health Aid 3x's a week and my nurse, once every two weeks. Also my little Yorkie, who I call my Angel from Heaven. I seldom leave the house, except for doctors appts. Then I normally get a ride somehow. I have 3 friends, one lives out of town..the other is my puppy sitter and the other is a dear friend of mine, whom I've known for a long time. He is also fighting his own battles, so I do not burden him with mine. My Anxiety has festered into depression, especially with the up-coming Holiday. Christmas. Last words from my Mother were to "Stop blaming myself for everything" and "You have got to stay strong because you'll be the following me" I feel I have failed her. She was much stronger then me and could deal with the drama of my disfuntional Father and Brother better then I. They seldom call, and if they do it's for selfish reasons. They push my buttons and use me as if I am a doormat. I am so stressed out and lost without her. She was my touch-stone. Too many changes all at once. I've been to see a grieve counseler a couple times, didn't work. I am taking Klonapin for my Anxiety, plus other meds for my physical ailments. Still I am housebound. No energy. Insomnia, but tired. Have been to ER several times with chest pains, short of breath. All things that mimic a Heart Attack, only to find it was only stress/anxiety related. The Doc's look at my records and seems they only see "Panic Disorder". I am scared, alone, and still grieving for my Mother. I really never received any moral support to help me through my devasting loss. I have many negative thoughts as discussed in session #3. I just can't seem to find any possitive thoughts to replace them. Not sure how well I will recover physically, but would like to at least feel some sort of happiness again in my life. I'm sorry to be so long winded...a lot to get off my chest. I want so badly to feel better again emotionally. I want to come out of this program with flying colors. And I am not too busy to do the studying and homework. I'm just stuck and afraid that I may not have any "possitive" left inside me. I try and try to think of good things. Where did they all go?...Where did everyone go? Thank you for reading this...I hope someone can help me break through this wall I've found myself surrounded by. I know, I am the "only one who is my Safe place" Just need a little nudge.
*There never was a time when you or I did not exsist, nor will there be any future when we shall cease to be"
Too Many Negatives, Please Help (Long)
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Guest
Tresa.....First I want to say how sorry I am for all the hurt youve been going through......
You are not without your Mom...I know that she isnt here anylonger to be physically with you but through your words I can hear that she is forever in your heart and mind. You can hear her words speak to you even when she has passed away. You need to hold on to those words of encouragement and wisdom.....think of it as fullfilling her wishes for you to carry on and live the life she so desperately wanted you to have.
Our bodies sometimes fail us. No matter how much we do to stop it some of us just are destined to struggle with illness and sickness....but the mind is something we can take hold of.
Sometimes the positives are not so how would you say it sugary.....its not about going around saying Im fine I feel great My life is perfect. And Im sure your feeling how do I flip these real sad moments in my life to a positive.
Well lets try......your Mom is gone and thats so sad.....but you had this amazing force in your life that got you to where you are today and as I said her words still echo in your mind. Thats a wonderfull thing....Many a many people dont have anyone that they can say ever even cared about them.
Your Dad and Brother well we cant change that they choose to live their lives in hate and meaness....but you can say that you dont....you live your life with love and gratitude to a wonderfull woman that you loved so much.
You've certainly had your share of health scares...but you have come through them to live another day.
Can you see what Im doing? Its not about making everything sunshine and roses maybe just make it contentment and appreciation for what you do have.....
You sound like an AMAZING woman to me. I feel blessed to have become a part of your life by reading your post. I hope that you will continue to come to the forum and do your tapes and to come to online chat....make freinds there as I have.....learn to see the good in yourself.
I think your an excellent writer you had me at the beginning of your story to the end......you reach people (at least me you did) perhaps you should write......you have a gift of speaking from the heart....Im sure your Mother would be very very proud of you! Everytime you feel that sun shining through your window thats your Mom smiling down on you and telling you I love you Teresa go get em tiger!
Smile.....and do her proud. You can do it.
Your new freind.
Annette aka Dodger.
You are not without your Mom...I know that she isnt here anylonger to be physically with you but through your words I can hear that she is forever in your heart and mind. You can hear her words speak to you even when she has passed away. You need to hold on to those words of encouragement and wisdom.....think of it as fullfilling her wishes for you to carry on and live the life she so desperately wanted you to have.
Our bodies sometimes fail us. No matter how much we do to stop it some of us just are destined to struggle with illness and sickness....but the mind is something we can take hold of.
Sometimes the positives are not so how would you say it sugary.....its not about going around saying Im fine I feel great My life is perfect. And Im sure your feeling how do I flip these real sad moments in my life to a positive.
Well lets try......your Mom is gone and thats so sad.....but you had this amazing force in your life that got you to where you are today and as I said her words still echo in your mind. Thats a wonderfull thing....Many a many people dont have anyone that they can say ever even cared about them.
Your Dad and Brother well we cant change that they choose to live their lives in hate and meaness....but you can say that you dont....you live your life with love and gratitude to a wonderfull woman that you loved so much.
You've certainly had your share of health scares...but you have come through them to live another day.
Can you see what Im doing? Its not about making everything sunshine and roses maybe just make it contentment and appreciation for what you do have.....
You sound like an AMAZING woman to me. I feel blessed to have become a part of your life by reading your post. I hope that you will continue to come to the forum and do your tapes and to come to online chat....make freinds there as I have.....learn to see the good in yourself.
I think your an excellent writer you had me at the beginning of your story to the end......you reach people (at least me you did) perhaps you should write......you have a gift of speaking from the heart....Im sure your Mother would be very very proud of you! Everytime you feel that sun shining through your window thats your Mom smiling down on you and telling you I love you Teresa go get em tiger!
Smile.....and do her proud. You can do it.
Your new freind.
Annette aka Dodger.
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Guest
Hello Annette,
Thank you so much for taking the time (and patience) to read my post, or should I say "novel". I certainly let it all out there! You've no idea how your beautiful repsonse made me feel inside. Annette, I've hung on to every word you've said and will continue to do so. I'll read your note everytime I log in. I will continue with my tapes and homework. You've also given me a better handle on the meaning of "possitive" responses and thinking. You're wisdom was just the nudge I needed to keep moving forward. Thank you.
I know I have to take better care of myself emotionally and physically. Reducing the tremendous amount of stress and anxiety I'm consumed with will be a very possitve and healthy stepping stone for me. I will excercise the best I can. Is pacing excercise? lol. I also understand the importance of being greatful for what I have left, some days it's just so darn hard. All I wish for is to be content and find some peace of mind. Then eventually I'll be able to embrace whatever happiness should come my way. Stop turning my back on it, pushing it away. As I said, I often feel very quilty about feeling happy. And sadly I sometimes get an uneasy knot in my stomach when I see others happiness. Now that is just so wrong and I know it.
I know Mom would want me to find happiness again and I will in time. I also hope to get back that little bounce in my step that I lost so long ago. And when I do, I hope she's looking down and smiling. I will make her proud!
I know she's still with me. Everyday I hear her speak to me in one way or another. As matter of fact, as strange as this may sound, I feel as if she's spoken to me again...through you. Back when I was playing my quitar I had written a little lyric. I sent it to her via email. Guess what she said? "Teresa, maybe you should seriously think about writing!" You said: "perhaps you should write" When I read that my jaw dropped and the tears flowed. They were happy tears though.
And in the morning when the sunshines through my window (and after I quit shaking!) I'll hear her words "Go get em' tiger!" I'll look forward to that every single morning from now on. I'll be greatful for what I have and "appreciate" that new day. Thank you for that Annette. I beleive I have found another Angel from Heaven...Let's keep that between you and I though. My other little Angel from Heaven, my Yorkie Gracie Lu, may start developing *negative thoughts*. I have enough of those for the both us! and I'm not real sure the tapes would work real well for her. Although the relaxation tape practically puts her into a coma. She love's it. lol.
Again, I can't thank you enough. I'm sure you'll be seeing more of me here as the days progress.
You're a very special woman Annette. Have a wonderful week.
Your new friend,
Teresa
Thank you so much for taking the time (and patience) to read my post, or should I say "novel". I certainly let it all out there! You've no idea how your beautiful repsonse made me feel inside. Annette, I've hung on to every word you've said and will continue to do so. I'll read your note everytime I log in. I will continue with my tapes and homework. You've also given me a better handle on the meaning of "possitive" responses and thinking. You're wisdom was just the nudge I needed to keep moving forward. Thank you.
I know I have to take better care of myself emotionally and physically. Reducing the tremendous amount of stress and anxiety I'm consumed with will be a very possitve and healthy stepping stone for me. I will excercise the best I can. Is pacing excercise? lol. I also understand the importance of being greatful for what I have left, some days it's just so darn hard. All I wish for is to be content and find some peace of mind. Then eventually I'll be able to embrace whatever happiness should come my way. Stop turning my back on it, pushing it away. As I said, I often feel very quilty about feeling happy. And sadly I sometimes get an uneasy knot in my stomach when I see others happiness. Now that is just so wrong and I know it.
I know Mom would want me to find happiness again and I will in time. I also hope to get back that little bounce in my step that I lost so long ago. And when I do, I hope she's looking down and smiling. I will make her proud!
I know she's still with me. Everyday I hear her speak to me in one way or another. As matter of fact, as strange as this may sound, I feel as if she's spoken to me again...through you. Back when I was playing my quitar I had written a little lyric. I sent it to her via email. Guess what she said? "Teresa, maybe you should seriously think about writing!" You said: "perhaps you should write" When I read that my jaw dropped and the tears flowed. They were happy tears though.
And in the morning when the sunshines through my window (and after I quit shaking!) I'll hear her words "Go get em' tiger!" I'll look forward to that every single morning from now on. I'll be greatful for what I have and "appreciate" that new day. Thank you for that Annette. I beleive I have found another Angel from Heaven...Let's keep that between you and I though. My other little Angel from Heaven, my Yorkie Gracie Lu, may start developing *negative thoughts*. I have enough of those for the both us! and I'm not real sure the tapes would work real well for her. Although the relaxation tape practically puts her into a coma. She love's it. lol.
Again, I can't thank you enough. I'm sure you'll be seeing more of me here as the days progress.
You're a very special woman Annette. Have a wonderful week.
Your new friend,
Teresa
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Ms. Hopeful
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wow. wow. wow. wow. I was actually brought to tears reading this thread (never ever happens to me)..
Tresa you are incredible- inspirational- motivational- I cannot believe your strength, your wisdom, and yes POSITIVE ATTITUDE considering the circumstances- give yourself some credit you are here! you are reaching out! you want to get better (or manage better)! you feel everything! you are in tune with your mind, body and soul! you are very well written and expressive! you are unique and a warrior! we are all here for you! we all want to read and listen! we are all your friends and even better, friends that COMPLETELY understand! there is nowhere to go but up!
Thank you for sharing your incredible story of determination, survival and emotion- we can all learn something from you!
Best of luck and take care.
p.s. Annette, aka 'Dodger' --wonderful post- remarkable!
Tresa you are incredible- inspirational- motivational- I cannot believe your strength, your wisdom, and yes POSITIVE ATTITUDE considering the circumstances- give yourself some credit you are here! you are reaching out! you want to get better (or manage better)! you feel everything! you are in tune with your mind, body and soul! you are very well written and expressive! you are unique and a warrior! we are all here for you! we all want to read and listen! we are all your friends and even better, friends that COMPLETELY understand! there is nowhere to go but up!
Thank you for sharing your incredible story of determination, survival and emotion- we can all learn something from you!
Best of luck and take care.
p.s. Annette, aka 'Dodger' --wonderful post- remarkable!
Teresa,
You are an amazingly strong person for enduring so much (positive: you are strong). Are you religious at all? I have found that my faith carries me through a lot of what you've been dealing with. Sometimes we need to turn our problems over to God. We were not meant to handle everything all by ourselves. Jesus is your friend too!
Deborah
You are an amazingly strong person for enduring so much (positive: you are strong). Are you religious at all? I have found that my faith carries me through a lot of what you've been dealing with. Sometimes we need to turn our problems over to God. We were not meant to handle everything all by ourselves. Jesus is your friend too!
Deborah
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Guest
Hello all -
Haven't posted in a while, but came across this post and thought I'd say hi.
Teresa - Thank you for posting and having faith in the kindness of others for support. Even through all of your disappointments w/ family members, you still haven't lost your faith in people.
Even though we fell alone, we never really are. Especially now in this digital age, there is always somewhere for us to go for support, always someone there to lend a hand, like Annette did. Even in the strange time we live in, people can be so kind.
Can I ask a question? What are somethings that really bring you joy? Is is writing? I'm sure there are online writing communities out there. Do you enjoy reading? Probably online reading groups out there too. I can tell you love your puppy, I'm sure there's a group on flickr.com for Yorkie owners. It might be a fun distraction to flip through pictures of yorkie's and talk to other yorkie owners. Sometimes it helps to do something completly for fun and just to get a laugh.
Just a thought.
- Kris
Haven't posted in a while, but came across this post and thought I'd say hi.
Teresa - Thank you for posting and having faith in the kindness of others for support. Even through all of your disappointments w/ family members, you still haven't lost your faith in people.
Even though we fell alone, we never really are. Especially now in this digital age, there is always somewhere for us to go for support, always someone there to lend a hand, like Annette did. Even in the strange time we live in, people can be so kind.
Can I ask a question? What are somethings that really bring you joy? Is is writing? I'm sure there are online writing communities out there. Do you enjoy reading? Probably online reading groups out there too. I can tell you love your puppy, I'm sure there's a group on flickr.com for Yorkie owners. It might be a fun distraction to flip through pictures of yorkie's and talk to other yorkie owners. Sometimes it helps to do something completly for fun and just to get a laugh.
Just a thought.
- Kris
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Guest