Hi Jen.
You can do this. Be patient and loving to yourself. That sounds like it may be difficult for you.
Last March, I tried going on, but the 3rd session had me realizing how mean I am to myself, & my husband
Forgiveness to yourself and others is one important fundamental of CBT that one has to learn. I made a ton of mistakes with my wife and son (as he was growing up) too. I blew up at her many times when my son was still living at home and in school. I hated myself for how I acted and apologized almost every time to her. I saw how that impacted my son and hated myself for that too. He was afraid of me a lot of the time. He said I was like a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. It was too painful to endure, I thought. There were times I was so desperate that I left home because I felt it was no use trying to be different. I felt my family would be better off without me. I usually returned the next day. I was in so much emotional pain. It was horrible.
The program and a few friends on this forum helped me to change and learn to love and accept myself. Not for how I wanted to be, but for how I was in the NOW. In the present. I'd come to the forum and post that I screwed up. My best friend here would reply and it was like a healing salve to me. Sometimes I cried because of the compassion. I was so grateful. It helped me see how I needed to act toward myself.
Over time I changed how I responded to my family. It wasn't perfect. I still lost my temper occasionally, but I improved a lot. My son left for college before I got all my ducks in a row, so to speak. But, we have a good relationship now and we love each other very much. He's married now and is more comfortable talking to my wife and myself about intimate things because he knows he won't be judged or beaten up for what he discloses. The wife and I will celebrate 43 years of marriage in August of this year.
What I'm saying here is that none of us are perfect and some of us can fall very short of how we want to be. But, the good news is that the more you work with the program and try and change, the more you will change.
You have to let go of the past, of the times you were, as you say "mean" to your husband. You have to forgive yourself for that. Forgiveness is a process, not a one time event, usually. When the negative thoughts of how you were mean in the past come up in your mind you have to say to those thoughts something like, "stop, right there. Yes, it's true I acted that way, but that is in the past. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. All I can do is try to be different in the present. So, I forgive myself for that or those incidents. I let go of them. Go, negative thoughts. I will not let you torment me anymore. Go."
Then do something to help get your mind off the past.
You have to learn to be loving and kind to yourself, rather than beat yourself up. This is a language, a new one, that you have to learn and find your way with. As you seek to be kind, loving, and forgiving to yourself, your emotional state will gradually improve. As it improves, so will your behavior towards yourself, your husband, and your children.
All of this takes place by journaling the negative thoughts, then finding loving, compassionate, and truthful thoughts to write down next to the negative ones. Repeating this process over and over as the negative thoughts come up will help you get rid of the negative thinking. It works. It really works.
Try and be patient, loving, and forgiving to yourself. We are all born with God-given self worth. You deserve to get better.
Wishing you a pleasant Sunday. You deserve it.
Bryce