Program Runthrough Lesson 2

[NinjaFrodo]

Alright so just started lesson 2 and am starting to feel some of that doubt again. Its the doubt that I can actually use the 6 steps when I need to and the doubt that they will actually help but this doubt isn't as overpowering as it once was and neither is the resistance. I want to get better because if I don't, I will just continue to spend most of my time stuck in my room and will miss out on having a wonderful life, miss out on relationships and progressively feel worse and worse and be less and less prepared if something bad happens.

So I have started to use the 6 steps or rather recognizing when I'm feeling an intense emotion, accepting it and saying "of course i feel this way because ____________ and that would cause me to feel ______. As well as the breathing. Its helped with my frustration with my computer. Before I'd feel frustrated and yell at my computer and just make things worse but now I can notice that i'm frustrated, accept that my situation is frustrating (because it really is), use breathing and maybe say to myself its not worth over reacting and my reaction isn't going to fix the situation but will interfere with my healing. I can't do anything about the situation so all i can do is accept the situation for what it is and do my best to continue on until I am in a better financial situation where I can actually do something about the problem.

I actually looked over all the action assignments in lesson 2 and got overwhelmed and decided to use the 6 steps but I had to write them down. So here is what I wrote out;

1)Ok I am feeling overhwlmed and hopeless

2)Its ok to feel that because it is a lot of things to do in the action assignments and they aren’t that easy for me to do.

3)Breath slowly in for 4 and out for 4 several times

4)These are suggestions and I don’t have to do them all to get better, I can choose a few of them and how many times I do them and no one assignment if I miss it will cause me to forfit my healing and cause me to fail. They are just extra things to help me out.

(At this point I’m feeling more calm but still feeling somewhat hopeless/discouraged)

I actually did step 5 after step 6 and used the relaxation cd.

6)Whats really bothering me? There are some things on the list I would really want to do like present moment living and it just reminds me of how inferior I am and how I’m not where I want to be yet and how I can’t do it.
[Replacement thought]
->I have had a really difficult time being present and its scary and I can’t simply choose to turn off those difficulties even if I wanted to and that’s ok. Its very normal for people who have been sexually abused to have that same problem. I don’t have to do it if it will be that upsetting for me. I can still get to that point while using the relaxation response. I do what I can do with what I have and that just isn’t realisetic for me at this time and its alright. I’m not at that point in my journey right now and it doesn’t make me any less of a human being.

I’d say after doing those 6 steps I definitely felt a lot better but still feel somewhat negative and that’s ok because I am still weak in this skill and it will take some time to get really good at it.

I am also continuing to use the relaxation cd 2-4 times a day and it does feel relaxing and if I get some really really strong intense emotions, flashbacks or whatever and I can't handle them, I can call up someone from my support group for help.

Overall I’m feeling more calm and peaceful. I am ok with spending time with myself and just hanging around my house and watching shows online. I’m not feeling as lonely and well alone in this world. I’d definitely have to say this is much much different from every other time I went through the program.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike, you did great with your 6 Steps. I'm glad you posted them for others that don't have them. I have the cards and program now as you already know, but I've been working on "feeling good" with eating the healthy meals, aerobic exercise, being with friendly people, being out in the sunshine, working on my garden/hobbies, but in a smaller way with the realization that I'm getting older and I can't physically do the things I use to do. Which I'm sure was to make me feel better about the loss of my son and changes in family life.

I'm doing more accepting of my limitations and work on making realistic goals that I can complete within a reasonable time frame and let go of what I can't do right now or get the help I need at this time. paislee

[NinjaFrodo]

Had some more practice opportunities lately with the 6 steps and ya it does get difficult at times. It just seems like life gives me the opportunities when i need them or when i'm learning about them. I think i've had to use the 6 steps at least 4 times already, I have had situations that have triggered strong emotions come up, actually I am begin trigger alot more than I realized. So i'm using the 6 steps and they help to make me feel better but not fully better which is alright. I got some relief as opposed to no relief and its still a process and it does take time. I can't look at this in a black-and-white kind of way or else I will become hopeless because it will become an expectation that I cannot fulfill. I cannot go from not using these skills to being mastered at them and doing them perfectly all in the beginning and if I were to go about trying to do that then I for sure will fail. I'm making progress and as I continue to use the skills, I will get better and better at them.

I got really poor sleep today and didn't want to use the relaxation cd, it wasn't very appropriate today because I didn't want to fall asleep during the day and I would risk that with the relaxation cd because i only got 4-5 hours of sleep when I really need 8 hours. So I didn't use it and started to think about how I was falling back on my goal and how I was failing but in all reality it was just an off day and its ok to have these, they are apart of the process of change. Change does not happen in a straight line but more an up and down sort of thing and if I beat myself up like this then i'm more likely to fall back because that stress will just trigger my old coping skills which would be to avoid relaxing but if i can accept that this was just an off day then I'm more likely to continue back with my goal of using the relaxation cd 3X a day.

I started to keep track of things in a journal and well this time is alot more diffrent. In the past I didn't really know how to journal and I was still running away from my problems and situations so I would just talk around them and talk about other things without really getting at the root issues. It was just about venting or talking about good stuff but now its about the challenges I did face and those times when I was experiencing intense emotions. I'm writing in an effort to keep track of my struggles as well as progress and to hopefully see some patterns. I'm keeping it as short and sweet as I can but still mentioning how I felt and the situation itself. It also feels good like im deprograming myself as i'm allowing myself to connect with the feelings and emotions just like when I write pages for the book i'm going to one day get published. Before when I would write in a journal I didn't connect with the emotions and it just felt useless but now it actually feels good. Without that emotion I feel empty no matter what i'm doing and who i'm around. Not allowing emotion and suppressing it just makes like empty and I don't want to feel that anymore.


Paisleegreen;
Sounds great what you are doing and keep up the good work.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Still at it but have been getting worse sleep lately and having a few off days in a row so haven't been working at my skills as much as I'd like to but still have been working on them and still motivated to keep going.

I have noticed that I am still beating myself up for making mistakes which i noticed when I decided to try out a free public pool and it was the first time and apparently i wasn't suppose to swim past the roped off area and one of the lifeguards told me...felt like i was a kid being yelled at.

Also being abused I had become permiscuous and well it was the only way I could feel a connection with someone else. I would do it and feel bad but I exchanged my own self-respect for that sense of connection, It was the only thing that made me not feel alone but after a chat with a group member from a local group (CSA group) I have decided that i'm not going to do that to myself anymore and instead i'm going to spend more time with myself and build on a relationship with me. My old way of connecting was not healthy and not always real so now i have to find another way to connect and that will have to come from connecting with myself first. It will be about having fun with myself, going swimming if i want, watching a movie in the theatre or whatever I want. It'll be about nurturing and taking care of myself. Right now when I socialize with other people I really don't care about how they are doing or whats going on in their lives, it just reminds me of how inferior I am and makes me jealous. I haven't been giving myself that attention I need, that love, that sense of belonging or anything and so I'm definately in need of working on that. Perhaps it will give me more motivation to use the action assignments and the 6 steps and if I get stuck or feel too lonely or whatever I can connect with my group members (I have started to build a real connection with some of them). I'm going to feel safe, relaxed and calm starting with myself first and then spreading to others later.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Still going. I had my down days where I didn't want to work so much on my skills or the relaxation and those days where the ones where I missed out on sleep and I didn't force myself to do that. I gave myself some space to have "off days" and just went through those days doing what I wanted to do and then got back to the skills. I was worried i would be falling off but did some thought replacement and here I am, I'm still here and as motivated as ever.

Lately have been having abandonment issues come up, these deal more with the sexual abuse I dealt with as a child and have been using the 6 steps when they come up. I have been able to take the edge off of the emotional intensity to a more tolerable level when it did come up and then when I woke up the next day I was feeling alot better. I'm still new working on this habit this time around and so its more reasonable to have times like the one I just mentioned. Its not about taking the thoughts and feelings away but getting some relief and opening myself up to release it. I have noticed through resistance it stays because i'm fighting it but through acceptance, thought replacement and floating it loses its power and goes away. This is really amazing especially when it comes to being triggered by old abuse issues and pain. That pain is very strong but i'm getting some control over it.

Overall am feeling more calm. I don't need to distract myself so much from my surroundings with music and such and feel more calm and peaceful when I don't give into the old habits. I'm getting there!

Been working with some of the action assignments and before I just felt great resistance to them but now they bring relief. I like to use them but it can be difficult with some of them still like the one about bringing myself into the present moment while walking. I'm struggling alot with that one and doing my best not to push myself too much.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Lesson 3
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 58#p714658


Mike