different.

[ellie11]

So i am an eighteen year old girl trying to finish off my senior year of high school. i have had struggles with depression probably since i was around fourteen but it never started to really interfere with my daily life until grade eleven. sometimes i don't know whether i am just being lazy or if there really is something else to blame. but i think i'm fairly agorophobic. it's hard for me to go to school and as a result i get farther behind which makes me more stresssful adding to my guilt and anxiety. i guess i have panic attacks where my heart beats fast and i get sweaty and i can't talk and i feel like i need to run home and crawl into my bed where i can feel more safe. but those aren't even the base of my problem. i have had tons of ups and downs since i started addressing my emotional problems where i think everything is going to be fine and i think i'm "cured" but quickly i fall back into hopelessness and feel like giving up. i feel crazy most of the time even though i know that i am smart and have alot of potential to be something great. i have a super supportive boyfriend that i have been with for almost two years but he just doesn't understand how i can't just DO something when i want to do it. i just recently started the program but i am a procrastinator and get so stressed with all the things that i need to do that it paralyzes me and i do nothing. i haven't been to school for the last two weeks because i simply can't get up. my sleep clock is all messed up, so i dont' wake up sometimes til six in the evening and i can't sleep til between three and four in the morning, even though i try. and even though i sleep so much i can always sleep more, i never feel like just facing the day and never feel well rested. i've lost alot of friends because i haven't been at school and i haven't been involved in the many athletic programs i have been my whole life and that makes me kind of lonely i suppose. i don't have many people to confide in and even when i do try to confide in someone, it's so hard for me to put my thoughts and feelings into words. i just want it to all go away and let me live the life i deserve but at the same time i know that if it did there would be always be something holding me back.

[grandma loves arielle]

Hi Ellie, You sound like me when I was your age. My mom died when I was 14 and I started getting panic attacks around 11th grade. I failed that year from missing so much school. I wasnt going to repeat but my Dad really wanted me to graduate so I went back. It was so hard and back then I didnt understand my symtoms.I just thought I had some weird disease or I was nuts.Now fast forward to the present after years of therapy and some really rough times with anxiety and panic attacks I am 53 yrs. old and last month I started on Lexapro 10 mgs. and ativan .05 just to ease the side effects till the lexapro kicks in. I feel GREAT! I cant beleive I wasted so many years suffering because I was also afraid to take meds.I hate to see this happen to you.We are NOT crazy! We are sensitive emotional people with a little chemical imbalance from all the stress . PLEASE be kind to yourself and do what you have to do to feel healthy and normal.Its not weak to use meds to feel better.No different than a diabetic taking insulin.Dont waste years chasing your tail like I did go talk to your doctor and get better so you can live a full life without fear. Good Luck, Donna

[ellie11]

i was on citalopram when i first started to miss school and i started seeing a counselor who also recommended i add wellbutrin. but since then i switched to 100mg of venlafaxine but i don't know squat about medication anyway