Stress Center Peer Support

Hello all I'm Dave and I have had the program since April of '06 but resisted working it until now, kinda the story of my life.



My family moved around a lot as I grew up, 6 different states until I was 10yrs old when we ended up here in So. Calif.. I struggled a lot making friends when we moved here and started abusing substances at a young age in high school to try and fit in. I had a hard time sitting still and learning in school. I never graduated from high school and did what I could to get by for many years now. I have many skills but no paper to back me up and in this day and age that can make it tough to start over.


Well I have been through a lot in the last 10 years, not as much as some but too much for me. About 10 yrs ago in 1998 I had the end of a long term relationship of 17 yrs, I wanted to clean up but she didn't and it split us apart. So as you see I am no stranger to facing my fears, I did it then and it was tragic but was what needed to happen. I was fortunate and was able to move back in with my Mother and attempt to get over my loss. I quit smoking after 14 yrs Dec 31 of '99. I was diagnosed with depression and ADD/ mild ADHD in 2000. I was really a mess at that time and as I look back it was really a blessing that I was able to move back in with her, because she helped me to be able to clean up, repair my credit and start over again. I started working for a company and shortly after passing probation got a skin injury and had to go on disability. I had an allergic reaction to cleaning materials and lost the skin on my hands several times before they healed, leaving my skin very allergic. Sadly in 2000 she was diagnosed with ALS. She was a beautiful, kind woman that I had grown apart from unfortunately since I had my substance abuse problem and I was in that relationship with my ex.. Well I grew close to her again and it was very hard to see her loosing the battle with that terrible disease. She really loved my brother and I, we cherished her more than we could tell her. I wouldn't trade those years for the world being her caregiver. I look back though and wish I had been more cheerful but my depression was bad then too. She battled with ALS for 2 years before it suddenly took her Dec of '02, I had her rushed to the ER within an hour she was gone. My brother and I were left with each other in her home. We tried to live together and could only do it until June of '04. We had some real brother issues, as some do. We love each other but could not live together, we're so different.


While I was caring for my mother in 2001 I met a wonderful woman that was struggling to raise her daughters alone. I fell in love with her and wanted to help their situation so I did what I could to support them. In 2005 I bought a house and we all moved in together. Well I guess that I bit off more than I could chew. Because now they are with me and I can't support them. I had no knowledge of finance or real estate and bought a home that was more than I could afford and put way too much down on it. We have lived in it for almost 3 years and I spent my savings to live here and now we are going to loose it and my equity. My credit is gonna go away and we will be in bad shape. This is why I feel foolish and like I have failed so miserably. I had a family safety net before and now I don't. I feel like I am up on the high wire and can't walk anymore, I have frozen up. I am trying to face my fears everyday I just don't know how when I get so scared. I guess that if I didn't have so much to loose it would not be as hard? I think this is going to be the hardest lesson I ever learn. I have been pretty fortunate with friends and family for 45 yrs but now I am living way far away from them all and nobody can help me from the mess I am in. I have been clean for a long time so substances are not an issue for me anymore it's just life now. I am not a stupid man....just foolish I guess. Thinking that I could make this work while living out of my means. I can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. I have terrible organizational skills so I can't keep track of everything. I know that I need to make lists but I don't have the habit yet. I am sorry that I keep going on and on about my doom and gloom it's just where I am right now. I feel like I am about to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, if you can imagine what that might feel like.

Big Dave,
I am so sorry about your situation, and I could see why you are struggling. You are under a tremendous amount of stress, and you have been through a lot in your life. I don't know if I can say anything to help you, but there are a few things that jump out at me.
First of all, right now you are not the only one in this country that took on a mortgage that you could not afford. I'm not saying this to say that what you are going through isn't a big deal, I am saying this to let you know that when you go to beat yourself up that there are thousands of others who took out subprime mortgages, etc., and foreclosures are at an all time high. So when you go to say that you were foolish, I think you are being unfair to yourself because this situation is seen as a crisis in our country right now because others did it too. I don't think you and thousands of others thought they were making foolish decisions. The economy is not doing well right now, the cost of living has increased, and I am sure your disability check hasn't increased, am I right? I know we are all responsible for making wise decisions, but I just have a hard time believing that it is all you. The economy is affecting most of us right now in some way, and that is why the government is giving most of us money:) in the next few months.
Secondly, I see that people who don't have degrees tend to beat themselves up and think their lives will be better or that they would make more money with a degree. I do believe education is a tool that should be used to help us improve our lives. However, that's just not always the case. I have a Master's Degree, and I graduated with straight "A's". I'm unemployed right now because it's very hard to balance taking care of a child with autism with both parents working. My husband graduated eight years ago with two Master's Degrees, and we got into a horrible situation where we were actually homeless for over a month. We were homeless, and something was wrong with our son, and we didn't know it. When my husband got his first job, it didn't pay much. It paid just enough for us not to qualify for any type of aide, but not enough for us to live off of. I don't know how we made it. We could only spend $50.00 a week on groceries for three people which included diapers and shampoo, etc. We went to a church that really wouldn't help us. One of the leaders in the church thought that it would be good for us to suck it up and struggle because he thought younger couples were too spoiled. Let me tell you, from what we went through with our son, and what we still go through, there's no chance of us being spoiled:). I look back on that time now and realize that my son was diagnosed with an incurable brain disorder, and I had very limited help, and I am not surprised that I got PTSD in the next few months. I cared what people thought about us, and I felt so humiliated if anyone or a church thought that we were trying to take advantage of them in anyway. I wish I would have just begged for help because we really didn't do anything wrong. My husband went to school in the hopes of making enough money for his family so who were others to judge? My advice is to ask for help, and not let what others think bother you right now. Anyway, I understand why you think an education would help you, and I do support anyone who has the dream of acquiring an education, and at the same time I know many people who are not educated who make more money than we do, and who didn't go through many of things we went through. You are still a success, and a piece of paper doesn't determine your value. That is one of my serious criticisms of the institution of education. People who have degrees are not more moral, ethical, or valuable than people who don't, and they don't always make more money. There are a lot of liberal arts majors who are clearly gifted in their calling who have Ph.D's and qualify for food stamps around here, and who are in massive student loan debt. It depends on your major, too, and studies show that Universities right now have consistently inflated their costs of tuition, while at the same time making massive profits. All the while, their students graduate with huge financial debt thinking that they will make enough money in the future because that is what they are tricked into believing. I can go on and on. I'm hanging out at a University library right now, so I really do know about the dark sides of Universities and what their graduates can go through. Also, look at all of the people who are successful without degrees. You know Lucinda Bassett started this program without having a degree in psychology:).
If you want to go back to school, and it's really a dream of yours then I do support you. There are supposed to be resources like money and other help for people who have disabilities including ADHD to go back to school. Your college is supposed to be paid for:). You can qualify for grants too that you could use to support your family.
Please seek out any type of social services in your area at this time. Don't try to do this alone, even if you aren't treated very well by the social workers, etc. You need help right now. Don't take "No" for an answer.
I think you may be spending a lot of your time beating yourself up, and this is not the time to be so hard on yourself. You need help right now from churches, social services, etc. Everyone makes mistakes. We try to do the best we can to make decisions, but many of us had no idea the economy would be doing so poorly now. You believe that you are so different and foolish, but you were actually going with the normal flow and being an average American.
As far as the substance abuse is concerned, congratulations on getting clean:). I am so glad you are not using right now, and you know there's actually a reason people abuse substances. It's an escape from the stress of life. Right now, you are facing life and difficult circumstances head on, and I have no doubt that there is help and support for you to do that without abusing substances. There is help for you at this very minute.
You really do seem like a smart guy who has been through a lot, and who will use your ingenuity to get through this. Please quit beating yourself up, and start saying,"O.K. I'm in a mess here, and it doesn't matter that I may have made a poor decision or that I'm not organized(they don't sell millions of self-help books on organization for no reason). What helps are available to me through counseling at the bank, social services, etc. to help me get through this ruff patch. I can do this. I am not alone. I'm not perfect, and I'll never be perfect, so all I can do is the best I can with what I have right now. I need to accept the help that is available to me right now without feeling like a failure." It just looks to me like you are in a difficult situation and you are not taking help to get out of it because you feel like since you weren't perfect you deserve it. That's just not true. You deserver compassion and grace right now. That's the truth.
Please get help. Most communities have free community counseling centers or ones that allow you to pay through a sliding scale. I do think this board is good for talking and that people on here support you and that the program will help with your anxiety, but I also think that you need a counselor whose familiar with the area you live in and what social services are available. This is a situation where you and the people you are supporting need help and support from social services, churches, etc.
I will pray for you to get the help you need.
God Bless You