Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 8:12 pm
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I've been afraid to let this all out for fear of ridicule from others. I suppose no better time than now to begin to dispose of that fear in me.
Keep in mind that I had anxiety & depression as a child also.
Here goes:
About 4 years ago I was in my first serious relationship. At this point in my life I always felt something was different/wrong about me, but I never knew that it was anxiety & depression. To keep this part shorter, I throughout the relationship began not dealing with the things she did appropriately. She would hit me occasionally when she got mad at me for things, and sooner or later for other reasons my self esteem was starting to rapidly decline. It got to the point where I kept built up emotion in, that I began to retaliate, and over time I realized I started being mentally and physically abusive to her. I would just get urges to be mean to her at times, and I never knew what it was. Time passed, and nothing got better. I ended up cheating on her and we split up permanently afterwards.
My entire life guilt has followed me, but never like this. I couldn't believe that I, Dustin Boudreaux had done these things to someone. Especially someone who I cared very much for. Not long before we broke up though, my puppy Calvin, who was my best friend passed away unexpectedly. He choked on some of his food and while trying to save him he died in my arms. So within a few months I had lost him, and her out of my life. The two people I depended on.
I just began to lose it. I was up every single night curled up shaking and crying, having horrible, horrible nightmares. When I finally managed to fall asleep I would wake up every few minutes wanting to scream. Soon enough I ended up in the hospital due to suicidal intentions.
Once released from the hospital, it wasn't long until my aunt and one of my good childhood friends passed away within a day from each other.
2 years down the road I had refused to date after all that. I finally starting working again, and had calmed down a good bit throughout time. I met this girl online who after some time told me she had feelings for me. I told her that I was afraid to date because I didn't want to hurt anyone, nor myself. She told me that she could show me that things could be different.
Once we started dating right from the get-go she started doing little things that bothered me. She would compliment other guys, but never ever complimented me. She did many other things to, and some she DID try fixing I will say. It also got to the point where her hypocrisy and her jealousy got out of control. She would accuse me of cheating, she would get mad if a girl friend of mine messaged me a few words online.
I had known she had been sexually active before her and I met, so in my mind I was always comparing myself to her past and major panicking over it. It honestly overwhelmed me.
I also knew for her entire life her mom was abusive towards her. No one in her life tried doing anything about it. Finally I decided enough was enough and I got the law involved. It took a lot of effort along with a lot of mess, but I finally got her out of that house. I made it possible for her to go live with her real dad whom she hasn't seen in years. Though he lived across the country, I really wanted her to get a new start in life.
To get to the point, she cheated on me while living with her real dad, and to this day has yet to thank me for what I did for her. My family even payed for her plane ticket, because her mom wouldn't.
She finally moved back to around where I live. I took her back after what happened. I was even there for her when I found out she cheated on me. But there were nights when I would panic and be terrified. I would tell her I was scared I was going to hurt myself, and I was crying and screaming. She would respond by saying she is tired and is going to sleep. She would just leave me there alone.
I noticed after a while that she often messed with my head for pleasure. She would sit there and watch me panic, and refuse to tell me what it was I wanted to know. There were even times where she would laugh.
She would break up with me all the time over extremely silly things due to her excessive amount of jealousy. And while single she would pretend like she had feelings for another guy to get me upset, and it crushed me.
WE finally broke up for good a week ago from now. I was having a panic attack begging her back, and she was just saying cruel things and hung up. I finally came to my senses and haven't called her back since then. Though I must say I feel empty inside often because of everything that has happened. I feel like I need her, even after all she's done to me. I never cheated on her, never hit her or anything. I learned a lot. Lately I've been panicking thinking about her because I know for a fact she is talking to another guy at the moment. I am just so hard on myself, and feel ugly and worthless because of all of this. I am weighed down and worried about what she is doing.
Sorry for the long story, but any input would be tremendously appreciated.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
Keep in mind that I had anxiety & depression as a child also.
Here goes:
About 4 years ago I was in my first serious relationship. At this point in my life I always felt something was different/wrong about me, but I never knew that it was anxiety & depression. To keep this part shorter, I throughout the relationship began not dealing with the things she did appropriately. She would hit me occasionally when she got mad at me for things, and sooner or later for other reasons my self esteem was starting to rapidly decline. It got to the point where I kept built up emotion in, that I began to retaliate, and over time I realized I started being mentally and physically abusive to her. I would just get urges to be mean to her at times, and I never knew what it was. Time passed, and nothing got better. I ended up cheating on her and we split up permanently afterwards.
My entire life guilt has followed me, but never like this. I couldn't believe that I, Dustin Boudreaux had done these things to someone. Especially someone who I cared very much for. Not long before we broke up though, my puppy Calvin, who was my best friend passed away unexpectedly. He choked on some of his food and while trying to save him he died in my arms. So within a few months I had lost him, and her out of my life. The two people I depended on.
I just began to lose it. I was up every single night curled up shaking and crying, having horrible, horrible nightmares. When I finally managed to fall asleep I would wake up every few minutes wanting to scream. Soon enough I ended up in the hospital due to suicidal intentions.
Once released from the hospital, it wasn't long until my aunt and one of my good childhood friends passed away within a day from each other.
2 years down the road I had refused to date after all that. I finally starting working again, and had calmed down a good bit throughout time. I met this girl online who after some time told me she had feelings for me. I told her that I was afraid to date because I didn't want to hurt anyone, nor myself. She told me that she could show me that things could be different.
Once we started dating right from the get-go she started doing little things that bothered me. She would compliment other guys, but never ever complimented me. She did many other things to, and some she DID try fixing I will say. It also got to the point where her hypocrisy and her jealousy got out of control. She would accuse me of cheating, she would get mad if a girl friend of mine messaged me a few words online.
I had known she had been sexually active before her and I met, so in my mind I was always comparing myself to her past and major panicking over it. It honestly overwhelmed me.
I also knew for her entire life her mom was abusive towards her. No one in her life tried doing anything about it. Finally I decided enough was enough and I got the law involved. It took a lot of effort along with a lot of mess, but I finally got her out of that house. I made it possible for her to go live with her real dad whom she hasn't seen in years. Though he lived across the country, I really wanted her to get a new start in life.
To get to the point, she cheated on me while living with her real dad, and to this day has yet to thank me for what I did for her. My family even payed for her plane ticket, because her mom wouldn't.
She finally moved back to around where I live. I took her back after what happened. I was even there for her when I found out she cheated on me. But there were nights when I would panic and be terrified. I would tell her I was scared I was going to hurt myself, and I was crying and screaming. She would respond by saying she is tired and is going to sleep. She would just leave me there alone.
I noticed after a while that she often messed with my head for pleasure. She would sit there and watch me panic, and refuse to tell me what it was I wanted to know. There were even times where she would laugh.
She would break up with me all the time over extremely silly things due to her excessive amount of jealousy. And while single she would pretend like she had feelings for another guy to get me upset, and it crushed me.
WE finally broke up for good a week ago from now. I was having a panic attack begging her back, and she was just saying cruel things and hung up. I finally came to my senses and haven't called her back since then. Though I must say I feel empty inside often because of everything that has happened. I feel like I need her, even after all she's done to me. I never cheated on her, never hit her or anything. I learned a lot. Lately I've been panicking thinking about her because I know for a fact she is talking to another guy at the moment. I am just so hard on myself, and feel ugly and worthless because of all of this. I am weighed down and worried about what she is doing.
Sorry for the long story, but any input would be tremendously appreciated.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
