Stress Center Peer Support

Greetings -- I am an older male, never married and retired. But I still have hopes. Yesterday, one of my crippling panics raised its ugly head from the subconscious without clear thoughts and I am wondering if it is related to two of my other subconscious panic modes. In short what are the common threads and “scary thoughts” , here. Perhaps you can see what I cannot.
First anxiety: Whenever I see a marriageable female I sense a deep anxiety. If I manage to date her, after about three dates I am in so much panic and feeling so physically sick and nauseous that I am forced to withdraw from any future dates. I have no problem with women who I do not see as in the marriageable sphere and have great conversational relationships with them. Likewise, no problems with internet acquaintances. (I am safe with those kind).

Second anxiety: I was never able to leave the nest. Same symptoms as above ensued whenever I tried. Since then, my parents have died, but I still haven’t left. Sub anxiety: Have panic when traveling from home for vacation but no problem when traveling back.

Third anxiety: I was never able to be a manager or supervisor. The mere thought would drive me to panic mode. This is in spite of the fact that I have an MBA in a quantitative discipline with a 3.9 index. Also for the 35 years that I worked I would go into a spacey dizzy feeling as I approached work and lose that feeling as I left work; the feeling remained with me all the work day. I felt like I was blotto.

Frankly, knowing myself and all the attempts that I have made in this area, I have little hope of changing the usual outcome from challenging these anxieties even with this program. What are the scary thoughts here? So I might try to use some kind of self talk on them.

These are only some of my anxieties, phobias and fears. They have literally ruined my life in terms of relationships, career and family.

Thank you in advance for any help.

WW

Hey Worry:
Focus on ruining the fear and celebrating your successes. For many years, I thought success was the corporate ladder. Since that time, I have taught myself that this is not what life is about. I am now C.E.O of self - once you procure this mindset clarity falls into place. Be easy on yourself - Blessings

I don't have any successes. From the time I was in first grade, I was the last to get picked in any game, and it went downhill from there.
WW

The common thread appears to be self esteem or lack of it. How does that sound to you? How about "not good enough" also? What abour fear of being rejected?

But, let's work on your successes to build your self esteem a bit. You say you have none. I think a lot of us would disagree with that perception, and that's the key here, PERCEPTION, not reality.

First, you have a 3.9GPA and an MBA. No successes = not true.

You worked 35 years, had trouble with anxiety, but were able to continue to work. I see that as success as well.

You are retired. If you no longer have to work to maintain your standard of living, that is definitely a success.

So, you are telling yourself lies about having no successes. Wouldn't you agree with that?

Frankly, knowing myself and all the attempts that I have made in this area, I have little hope of changing the usual outcome from challenging these anxieties even with this program.

This is a negative thought which is perceived by you as true. But, it's a lie. Counter it with TRUTH.

TRUTH: You can learn new ways to think, and you are capable of change.

TRUTH: You are highly intelligent (3.9GPA AND an MBA)

TRUTH: The past is just that, the past, not the present or the future. WE all fail at times, even repetitively, but that doesn't mean we can't finally succeed or achieve what we desire. (Especially someone as intelligent as you)


There are 10 cognitive distortions defined in psychology. One of those is Minimizing and Maximizing or Catastrophizing. It appears you minimize your strengths, i.e. intelligence, MBA, work history, retirement, etc. and maximize (or blow out of proportion) what you perceive to be your weaknesses, i.e. had trouble getting to work, not a supervisor, trouble with romantic relationships.

It sounds like you aren't too self-aware yet, like you've just begun the program or not into it very far yet. The scary thoughts are there. Keep seeking to bring them to the surface so you can try and deal with them. With some effort you can discover how to solve your problems, one by one, and forge a new direction and hopeful future for yourself. Keep working the program and posting. Good luck!!

Thank you for your kind reply. And also thanks to the prior respondent. I pondered these comments while walking earlier, and I guess there are some successes. I intend to make up a success list in my Microsoft OneNote folder for this course, so I can come up with appropriate self talk when I hit that section on Wednesday. Thank you so much.

Regards, WW

I suspect there are more successes. Do you have any idea how many people have to work all their lives and can never retire? ALOT!!!! LOL. I am one. This is one success which is needed in the romantic relationship area also. You're a provider. Congrats! Keep truckin', you'll make it.

The common denominator I see is a lack of trust and confidence in yourself to deal with the circumstances you face to achieve your goals. Negative self-talk and thinking towards yourself, i.e. "I have no successes", destroys healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem believes in you and your capabilities to achieve what you desire. So, if you are destroying healthy self-esteem with the negative thinking, you naturally aren't going to achieve what you desire. You think, "I can't", or "I'm not good enough", and that becomes a self-fulfiling prophecy. Keep working the program and you'll discover how to turn all of this around.